Sunday, October 31, 2010

The Halloween Series Spectacular PART 1!!!

Well, After seeing some very terrible horror movies recently (The Cold, Gore-Met The Zombie Chef From Hell, I Dismember Mama, The Clown Murders...) I decided to re watch the Halloween series for whatever reason. Maybe hoping to see that the movies aren't as bad as I remembered... I'm not talking about all the movies in the series just some of the latter ones. I then decided I didn't have anything else better to do so why not churn out a bunch of really bad mini-reviews of the movies. I'm doing mini-reviews because honestly, the entire Internet already has about six hundred websites dedicated to these movies and enough full length reviews of the movies to choke a goddamn horse. So mini reviews it is.

The original movie, made in 1978 took the world by storm. Made on a very very VERY small budget of like $320,000 and was filmed in 21 days and was the one I wanted to re watch the most. Mostly because I used to dislike this movie, and pretty much every other Halloween entry other than the second and third ones. However I can now see why this movie is a classic. It's probably one of the most suspensful movies ever. It doesn't really over do the buildup or suspense like other movies (you know like the Clown Murders) and does it just right. Even more importantly is that the characters are entertaining and likable, I mean who couldn't like Dr. Samuel Loomis! Speaking of which here's some pointless trivia you may already know about but John Carpenter first choice for the role was Peter Cushing. He turned it down. THEN John wanted Christopher Lee, who also turned it down. It went to Donny, and honestly as much as I do like Chris and Pete, I don't see anyone else in the role of Dr. Loomis other than Donny. He nailed that shit to the damn wall.
Still I do have problem with people who call this the first slasher film, as there were a bunch of slasher films before this. Maybe this movie really started up the genre, but it sure as hell wasn't the first. If you haven't seen it, I'd do so.

I really like Halloween II, and honestly I don't see why people hate it. It's a worthy sequel. One of the things I've always really liked about this movie is how they picked up RIGHT where the last movie ended (of course from what I hear both of these movies were supposed to be one big movie. I don't know if that's true or just Internet rumor) I mean, most horror sequels take place months or even years after the previous entry. This takes place seconds later. That's a really neat aspect. I also really like the hospital setting for the movie. It really makes sense as Laurie was pretty fucked up at the end of the original movie and would have to go to a hospital, but I've always thought hospitals were really damn scary. I've spent a lot of time in them and they can be really damn creepy places and I wish more horror movies would take place in them, the only other one I can think of is Hospital Massacre, which is another movie I'll take a look at some time soon. I remember that being a doozy of a motion picture. As for Halloween II, I don't have much to say other than this. Dana Carvey has a small part as a kid dressed up as Michael Myers who gets crushed between two cars and then the two cars blow up. Any movie that blows up Dana Carvey is a movie I can get behind.

I don't know  how the hell did my impatient, annoying smelly 15 year old ass sat through and LIKED this movie. I'm serious, this is a pretty slow moving movie at time and I was a pretty impatient fucker who needed movies to go at the speed of light, and I was kind of hesitant of watching this movie again, wondering if it would still hold up, would I still like it. Well I can say yes, I do like this weird ass movie. I also must say I loved John Carpenter's original idea for this series, that each one would be a different story. That's a very unique and interesting idea, a series of movies that had a different story told around Halloween. Too bad people had to complain WHERES MICHAEL MYERS!?!?!? WHERES MICHAEL MYERS?1?!?!?! and be buttholes about this movie which I would totally watch over any of the Halloween movies following this one. Yes, even 4. Which people seem to love as much as the original, but that's next. I said this movie was weird, which is so very true. It's got robots. A piece of Stonehenge. A crazy supervillian-esque plot. The bad guy from RoboCop (the old dude). Tom Atkins. I mean seriously how are those things not awesome as hell? The crazy supervillian-esque plot involves the bad guy from RoboCop using a piece of Stonehenge, and his robots to create a mass sacrifice of children on Halloween. He creates masks which include a piece of stonehenge which will somehow kill the kids. Causing bugs and shit to come out of their heads. Okay, thats a plot hole and one flaw in this movie. I wish they had explained why the hell the piece of stonehenge would kill the kids, but it doesn't ruin the fact that this movie is really pretty fun to watch, if only for the guy who plays the bad guy. He's so incredibly fun to watch, you can really tell he was really having fun with the role. Also those stylish robots were totally cool. Also if I somehow missed the explanation for the mask thing please tell me in the comments. Still a fun idea and I wish they would have gone with John Carpenter's original idea. Ah well, can't have everything eh?

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers is honestly an okay motion picture. I dunno, it really isn't as spooky or suspenseful as the original two movies or as fun as the third movie, or most other slasher films.  Seriously. I dunno, I can think of a fucking shitload of slasher films that were more entertaining than this movie. I can think a bunch of slasher sequels that were more entertaining than this. I guess I just can't get over the fact that Michael Myers and Dr. Loomis you know fucking blew up in part 2 and that just kind of annoys me. I don't even know why I can't look past that yet I can look past beyond everything in most other slasher films. I will have to admit the acting in this one was pretty good. Danielle Harris did a pretty good job for a 11 year old kid. The girl who played her older sister was pretty good also, and even though HE SHOULD BE GODDAMN CHARCOAL Donald Pleaseance is still fun as hell to watch as Dr. Loomis. He is seriously the best part of these latter sequels. I dunno, it's an entertaining enough motion picture but it really doesn't do that much for me.

I'm ending it here, because honestly, I'm kinda tired from all the typing I've done in the last twenty or so minutes. I won't have Part 2 up tomorrow or I should say later today because I actually have better things to do than watch movies I fucking hate. So if this review wasn't amusing enough for you because I didn't get angry enough (to be fair I don't think my reviews are funny period, but somehow people seem to like it when I get mad). You should like my next review, as I really do not like the latter sequels and I don't see that changing. Maybe it will, and maybe monkeys will grow wings and start flying. I think the latter will happen first.


  1. Whoa, I didn't realize there were people that hated the second Halloween. Seriously? I always thought it was really good.

  2. well one of them is roger Ebert but to be fair he can go fuck a goat for all care. and then jerk off to some fancy piece of shit movie that us RETARDS couldn't appreciate.

  3. That guy is a douche anyway.