Thursday, April 28, 2011

Shot on Video Horror Movies PART 1!!!

Yes, it's another part 1 that will probably never be continued! Today I shall be looking at a few Shot on Video horror movies from the 1980s and 1990s. Shot on video movies were incredibly, incredibly, low budget made by people who had way too much free time, some were damn awesome, and some sucked shit out of a hippo's ass, just like every other type of film out there, and during the 1980s, they made so god damn many of these that I can't keep track of them. I seriously think that despite not having the larger budgets of studio movies, SOV films were still pretty enjoyable and have oodles of charm. So let's talk about a bunch of them today, some good and some well, not so good.

This is probably my favorite shot on video movie. Either this or it's sequel. It's just a balls to the walls crazy movie, filled with tons of silly gags and silly characters, however unlike the sequel this, at least from what I remember, TRIED to be a bit serious but either way the camp value of this movie is through the god damn roof. I love Howard & Eli. Also this movie was made because of something some lady said to Gary Cohen, the director, she was all like is this movie ok for my children? and Gary said it had tons of decapitations and shit in it, and she was like, but no nudity, and he said no, and well she rented it. I wish my mother was like that! Anyway, this movie is pretty neat, it's about a couple who move into a crazy hillbilly town and open up a video store. Seeing all those beautiful movies I used to rent (and want to rent) made me so happy. I want to be buried in that video store! Uh... okay... that's just a tad creepy there Mikey... anyway, it turns out that all the people in the town make snuff films... It's just a very silly, but entertaining little horror comedy.

Well, here we have the sequel to Video Violence.... the aptly titled Video Violence Part 2: When Renting is Not Enough... I don't know if thats supposed to be the tagline or part of the title, but I'm too lazy to change it, so thats the way it stays! Anyway, the sequel is more of a comedy than the original movie. A silly ass comedy that is still more amusing then the Big Bang Theory. OH SNAP, SON! Anyway, Howard and Eli, the guys from the first movie are back and for some reason or another own a tv station. That just shows snuff videos people make... don't really think too hard about that plot, because no one who starred in the damn movie cared either! And that's the way I like it! Plots are for girly men and wussies! Also I have no idea what else to say about this movie except that I was amused by it and felt that I didn't waste my 90 minutes, which is all I ask from a movie... so I'll just move on to the next movie.

This was the first SOV movie I ever rented! And I didn't finish watching it because I couldn't get over the fact it was so low budget... of course back then I didn't like Big Trouble in Little China or the original Sleepaway Camp, or many other movies that I think are the bomb-diggity now... so in other words, Little Mikey Lake was a dumbass and I want to punch him in his 15 year old face. That jerk. Anyway, I've recently rewatched this movie, or I should say, finally seen it all, and I don't know what my problem was, this movie won't make you into Captain I Love B-Movies or anything, but if you already like them, it is a serviceable hour and a half of entertainment. It's not great, but the acting is a bit better than you see in SOV movies, and it seems to be a bit more competent in the film making part of it all. Anyway, This movie is enjoyable, even if the plot, which is about a killer cult, has been done 1,000 times. And before I go on to the last movie I must tell you that no, this wasn't the first SOV horror movie, Boardinghouse and Sledgehammer and I'm sure 6,000 others were made before this one.. but if you enjoy your SOV shenanigans I think Blood Cult is a worthy addition to your collection.

This is one of the rarest VHS tapes out there, going for like 90 or so bucks on ebay... I'd check it out but really I don't care enough to do so... I just felt like writing shit, not checking out how much really bad movies like this one go for. I think a porno movie company made this movie, but again I don't care about this stupid movie enough to check if that information is true or not, anyway, Spine is the last movie I'm going to talk about in this stupid article, and if you couldnt tell from reading the above, I did not save the best for last, in fact so far I think this may be my least favorite SOV horror film. It's not entertaining, it's not interesting, it's not even well made in any sort. I could probably make a more entertaining, interesting, and better made movie than this, in fact, I'm sure I could. The plot is your usual slasher stuff that you've seen done better in about a 1,000 other movies. A bearded maniac hates women... blah blah... don't care... wish I had 80 mintues of my time doing something a lot better, like masturbating in my own feces or watching He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. Anything except watching this unenjoyably boring heap of crap.

Yeah, I think I might talk about a few more, so this article may actually get a sequel, unless I forget about it...

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Brain (1988)

Well I've ranted about how much I don't like NintendoAge in a terrible little opinion piece that you can see below, but I don't suggest you check it out, of course I don't suggest you read a single thing I write but that piece was really bad. Guess thats what happens when you decide to do things out of the blue! But to make up for it (or to try to make up for it) here is a review of a very entertaining B-Movie from the late 1980s, The Brain. Also because I don't care, this review has spoilers, so read at your own risk!!!

I don't know where I first heard of this movie, probably on the old Joblo forums, which I don't really post on any more (but sometimes will still visit, I try to post but it's not really the same anymore. I miss the old timers.) but I forget who first told me about this movie, so I ended up trying to find a copy, and I never did, mostly because my town kinda sucks for finding movies in, at least movies I'd want to watch, but thankfully to the internet I now have seen the Brain, and can easily say that it is a great B-Movie. It stars a giant killer Brain, Dr. Carl Hill from Re-Animator, who can over act anyone. EVER. If you don't believe me, check out the movie Syngenor, he's seriously the best part of that movie. By far. In this movie, he plays it cool as one of two aliens who want to take over the earth using mind control. They set by creating a TV show called Indepentant Thinking and The Brain pretty much takes over anyone who watches it's mind.

Now comes our hero, Jim Majelewski, who is played by Tom Bresnahan, who stared in movies like Mirror Mirror and Twice Dead... So in other words only movies I could ever give a shit about! Hoooray! Anyway, Jim is a likeable son of a gun who plays pranks on the Principal at his school once too often and gets himself into a whole heap of trouble! More trouble than he ever imagined! Yes, the only person who can stop Dr. Blakely, The Brain, and his fat assisstant (who did voices on Babar and X-Men cartoons. POINTLESS INFORMATION AHOY!) is a wise cracking prank pullin teenanger! Jim is actually a really likeable guy and his girlfriend (played by Cydny (way to misspell your own name idiot) Preston) is a cutie, who was in Prom Night 3 and did the voice of Princess Zelda on the old cartoons! I must say Jimmy got himself a winner!

What makes this movie enjoyable is the characters are incredibly entertaining, the pace never lets down for a moment, and it's got a killer giant Brain, so stop reading this terrible excuse for a review and go watch this movie you bastards!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Lone Ranger (1991)

In the early 1990s, Konami took a lot of chances with a bunch of licenses. I say chances because they took stuff like The Lone Ranger and ZEN Intergalactic Ninja and made them into video games. Very good video games, but video games none the less. I really don't think they made that much money on these games and that's a shame, but then again thats what you get for putting money into a license no kid gave a shit about. I'm pretty sure I've never seen anything related to Lone Ranger, hell this game came out almost 60 years after he was created! Anyone who wanted to play this game then was already too damn old to do so. Seriously. Still I'm glad it was created because we really did get a kick ass game out of it.

The plot is BUTCH CAVENDISH has killed your friends and kidnapped the preisdent! Oh shit! Yes, it's nothing spectacular but I've told you people my thoughts on plots in games. I don't give a shit about them. I didn't give a shit back when I was playing these games for the first time and I give even less of a shit now. I just want to get to the ass whoppin' and this game gives you that in spades. There are very cool modes of play in this game. Sidescrollers, top down perspective, and it even uses the zapper! The zapper! Oh how I love the P-Kang you make! You lovely gun you! You will be the only gun I will ever own because I am too much of a pussy to own a gun! But I have two of them! so you must count for something!

Anyway this game is pretty damn good honestly, it's a very well produced game from the men and women at Konami! Very good graphics for the time, nice and clean. The music is pretty good, my favorite is when your in the mazes. The music makes those goddamn mazes tolerable. That's right The Lone Ranger made a 3D Maze that didn't make me want to commit all kinds of horrible acts. Not to say the mazes were you know enjoyable, but the music that plays in them is nice and a lot better than the music that plays in Golgo 13 mazes. Plus they are easier and shorter. Still I don't like them because all 3D mazes are assholes. Another thing is that this game is fucking hard. I mean balls to the walls hard. It starts off hard and gets insanely hard near the end. Still I beat it, because I'm a goddamn man, son. A GOD DAMN MAN.

If you like the Lone Ranger, Konami, or good licensed NES games. I beleive you should give this game a shot. Also while searching google for images for this game I found someone made a rom hack called the Lone Rapist... and I don't know what to say to that... but I feel it makes for a good way to end this review.

The Gong Show Movie (1980)

I was born about a decade too late to be able to enjoy the Gong Show, and thanks to the fact that I've never seen it syndicated I can never tell if I would be able to enjoy it or not, but seeing as this terrible unfunny movie is just made up of shitty gong show sketches. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't enjoy the show. Anyway, I watched the movie because I haven't got anything better to do and I've been trying (and failing... story of my life!) to watch one thousand movies in a year. I'm at 89... yes... I am a colossal failure!

Anyway, I watch a lot of cheesy B-movies, So I figured why the hell not... so I got myself a copy of the Gong Show Movie and watched it. And it was pretty god damn bad. I can take horror movies shot on video and made in a goddamn week. I can take ninja movies cut into two different movies. I can easily take anything and get something out of it, BUT a goddamned unfunny comedy. They are painful. Like literally feel pain after I watch a comedy that isnt funny. That's why Meet the Spartans and those other movies will always be high on my list of the worst movie I've ever seen... and The Gong Show at least has two jokes, which makes it lower on the list. Also a appearance by Phil Hartman. That's always good times!

I usually tell people to check out a game even if I give it a bad reivew, but honestly I can't tell you to check out this movie because if you don't like a game you haven't really wasted any time with it. Maybe 5 minutes. This movie took 1 hour and 30 minutes away from me, that I will never get back. No matter how hard I try, unless I create a time machine, and someone dumb enough to watch the Gong Show Movie won't ever create a time machine.

The Prom Night Mega Review Thing!

Well I'm bored and you know what that means! I start talking about pointless shit on this horribly uninteresting blog of mine! And if you can remember by the very subtle hint I left in the last entry I did... VERY subtle....if you cant tell I'm dragging this bad joke out.. I'm still amazed over 6,000 people have read something I wrote. I guess it's true, once you put something out on the internet someone will read it. Uh, but yes. I mentioned how I was going to review the Prom Night movie series in my last article and well don't say I don't give you what I say I'm going to give you. my articles may be poorly written shit that you can read in under a minute, but when I say I'm doing something I do it. So lets get this shit over with.

It seems most people really like Prom Night as it's a movie that gets a lot of press and most people consider to be a slasher classic... but not me! You see this movie is incredibly boring to me. tedious. uninteresting. And I think the only good parts were Leslie Nielsen, Jamie Lee Curtis, THAT SEXY ASS I JERKED OFF TOO WHEN I WAS 14 and the hilariously terrible song Prom Night. That's it, other than those things this movie is a very boring and uninteresting movie with a plot that was done by about six hundred other movies. And where as I'm actually just reviewing this movies based on memory because I'm too lazy to watch them again and I really should think through what I'm going to do on this blog but if I did that it would be too much work but what I'm getting at is that I actually remember things from the other movies and not a single scene from this one. Nada! You'd think a supposed slasher classic would stay with you even years later! but I don't remember one iota except there was a scene where some lady pulled her pants down and made me the happiest teenager ever! I give that ass a good rating of 8 and this movie a terrible rating of 3. Also it's weird that I enjoyed Paul Lynch's Humongous more than this movie, yet I don't think Humongous is half as well liked as this movie is.

I really like Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II... It's one of the only horror movies my mom recommended to me! And she not a fan of them! Or maybe she told me it was good to get me to rent it so I could have seven movies and we could go home! I used to rent seven movies for seven days at good ol' Allan's video. Sigh, I miss the days of video. They were beautiful, not like these cold soulless dvds! Anyway, Hello Mary Lou is full of crazy going ons! And tons of nudity. And if I recall correctly I think Mary Lou was pretty amusing herself! And attractive too! I can't lie. I like my ladies! Anyway, this movie was a lot more supernatural than the original movie or the fourth one which was a neat idea to do, and if I remember correctly they had the movie be pretty serious at times even if it was a little comical. Anyway, I really shouldn't review movies based on memories, but It's too late now! Anyway, I remember really enjoying this movie and the next ones too!

If I had to choose a favorite of these movies It would certainly be this one as it just doesn't even attempt to be a serious movie. It just goes hog wild and does all kinds of insane crazy shit. I really am sure they intented this to be a horror/comedy, if they didn't then they have no idea how to make a horror movie! At all! But I'm sure it wasnt meant to be the least bit serious because hell they had a guy get killed with an Ice Cream cone! No! I'm not joking! This continues the Mary Lou story (and is the last chapter of that story) This movie brings me back to the time I found this giant video store with thousands of movies I wanted to see and I probably rented them all... before giving up and using torrents because I'm a cheap cheap bastard. Either way, uh.. This movie is a goddamned hoot and is one of my favorites. I recommend it highly!

Now it goes back to being a semi serious slasher film, I wish we could have had another crazy film starring Mary Lou, but I guess they wanted to make a movie that has very little to do with Proms. At least the others took place at Prom or at a high school. This movie has a crazed priest killing some people in the wilderness. Maybe I'm just stupid but that doesn't really sound like it fits into a series called Prom Night... but despite it all I actually enjoyed this movie. It gave me enough entertainment value to give it a recommendation. Maybe I'm just very easy to please, I have no clue, but I liked this movie. It's pretty much the same as every other slasher movie from the period, but fuck it, I like slasher movies from the late 80s and early 90s. This isn't the best of the lot, but I think it's worth a watch if you enjoy these movies!

Yes. I'm also going to review the remake! It's a part of the series! And uh... I know the internet will explode and make me want to cry to my mother but I didn't really hate it. Well the internet would explode if anyone bothered to post on my blog calling me a piece of garbage for liking whatever stupid garbage I defended. Let me like that stupid garbage in peace! Either way, this is a rather nondescript slasher film from 2008. It was PG-13, but it still had enough entertainment value to amuse me. I should also admit that when I was a child I would enjoy staring at my walls so I've always been easily entertained as long as the pace keeps up I ain't got no problem with any stupid movie I watch. I don't care about bad acting, plotholes, or lack of gore. I just want an hour and 30 minutes of entertainment, and this movie gave it to me... even though I don't remember anything from it. Hey, I said I was entertained, not that it became one of my all time favorite films. Anyway, if you put a gun to my head and told me to pick a movie... the original or the remake... I'd pick the remake... yeah... and thats probably the only time I'd do that, except in the case of the Blob, but everyone likes that remake! It's weird how people don't mind remakes of the past but get so angry over remakes in the present. Oh well, maybe I just need to start getting angry over movies. Or maybe not.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Comic Book Ads PART 2

You may remember that back in November I decided to post an article which was me posting images of some old comic book ads and talking about how goofy they were. Well! Here's part 2! Yes, I know, I'm running out of ideas already you say, well I say I had no goddamn ideas in the first place, So just shut the hell up and read this stupid garbage that I'm about to review.

Yes, yes I know Seanbaby has talked about every Hostess ad on his website, but seriously, anyone who talks about stupid comic ads anywhere HAS to talk about Hostess ads, It's in our contract and everything, so here I'm going to talk about Hostess Ads, which I personally love. Every single one of them was out and out crazy  And I love insanity. Also They were geninuenly good ads because whenever I read one I want to go buy some Hostess fruit pies (do they even make them anymore?) but that could be because I'm a fat man and being reminded of food at any time will make me want to have that food, either way I've mentioned the Hostess ads so I don't have to do it again.

Well Kingpin,  Bullseye and a random black man all tell us about the next ad. In which you would cut this ad out and send it to marvel and get a 7 bucks off when you buy 4 marvel comics, but I'm certain you already could tell that from reading the ad, I don't really have to tell you what you can plainly see, but I do it anyway. Also this is an ad I would see a lot of in those old comics, and not one person ever cut it out to send to the Kingpin, SO I GUESS THEY DID REFUSE YOUR OFFER, ya fat fuck. Also can anyone out there tell me who in the fuck that random black man is. I own too many comic books (seriously) and I don't think I've ever seen him before. Is he just some random black man they just drew in there or what? And why the hell is Bullseye holding a pie? Is he going to throw it at someone and kill them? This ad is just weird.

Our final ad for today is an ad talking about Marvel's old humor magazine Crazy. Crazy was in the same vien of old school Mad and Cracked....well I dunno about Cracked.... I have a feeling they were always very lame, but I still liked them as a child. I also loved Crazy as a child too, I only had 3 issues though, and I ended up losing those three issues. I don't know anything else about Marvel's magazines like Epic or the rest of the bunch but I know Crazy was a damn fine one. At least when I was 10. Either way, this is a pretty good ad because it uses one of the most fun supervillians ever, Batroc the Leaper. He's a guy who can jump real good and uh... I think thats it. Either way I just like his terrible french accent... and thats why I posted this ad.

Anyway, uh, I guess I'm done. I'll see you in a few so I can talk to you about something else that no one cares about. Maybe I'll talk about the Prom Night series of films. No one cares about them! No one!

Ringmaster and his CIRCUS OF CRIME!!

I'm sure the few people who I force to read my blog can tell that I haven't updated a lot recently. I've only done two reviews since the 16th and one of them was terrible. I don't try to write anything good (really this blog is just a way of killing time.) but I do try to at least churn out something tolerable, that Tiny Toons 2 review was almost as bad as my attempts to review that baseball game and Othello. It was really bad and you could tell I threw it together in 20 seconds just for the hell of it. The biggest reason I haven't been reviewing any NES shit or any video game shit (I've really been meaning to start reviewing games for other consoles too but never get around to it) is because I haven been playing any games. I don't really feel like it. Their will be times when I go into a drought of video game playing and not play games for a while. It doesn't really last too long or anything, but I don't feel like playing the good NES games so I can't really force myself to play some piece of shit like Back to the Future 2 and 3 (did anyone ever figure out how to play this game... I sure as hell haven't)

So I bring you fine people who read this blog (somehow I get a lot of visitors. I don't know why either. This isn't some comical self-deprecating humor here. I seriously don't get why you'd read this shit. I shouldn't have over 7,000 views.) a article on the comic book supervillian team known as the Circus of Crime (I've been meaning to write more comic articles too. And talk about B-movies. Maybe I'll get to that. too.)  The Circus of Crime is without a doubt the worst supervillian team in the history of comic books. No, I'm not joking there either. Everybody has fought them and kicked the ever loving shit out of them. The Hulk. The She Hulk. The Thing. Spider Man. Daredevil. even the goddamn Power Pack gave the Circus a beating. And Howard the Duck, yes a midget Duck with no superpowers beat the shit out these guys.

Despite the fact they are losers I still really like these guys for some reason. Mostly because of the Ringmasters neato outfit and totally awesome hat. Also did you know his real name is Maynard Tiboldt. That is without a doubt the worst name I have ever heard in a comic book. The worst. Congratuations on having a dumbass name. Also I like how they never give up, and willingly try to fight everyone in the Marvel Universe and still get the shit knocked out of them. Hell I could probably kick their ass, but they'd still try. That's determination. I respect that.

There was also a version of them that appeared in Marvel's Western titles but I never read them because except for Back to the Future 3, Blazing Saddles, and Jonah Hex, I don't particularly like Western related things. Maybe I'll get them if I find them cheap, but I'm not a real big fan of cowboys and shit.

Anyway, I gotta say I love every incarnation of this gang, and I really don't even know why, but Maynard, you may have one retarded ass name, but I still love ya.