Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Castle of Dragon (1990)

This is the game I am trying to beat right now. Yes, I still havent beaten it, and I do try to beat the games before reviewing them, BUT I know for a fact, a fucking fact that this game won't win me over near the end at all. This game is to be very honest not very good. I'll get too the myraid of reasons why this title is a piece of shit but first I have to complain about the title. Castle of Dragon? Seriously? That's such a flagrant missuse of grammar (which is rich, coming from me I know) but seriously. That is not okay people! The fact they forgot to call this game The Dragon's Castle, or Castle of the Dragon or hell even the original japanese title Dragon Unit, makes me realize that they didn't really care about this product. I think you'd get the grammar or whatever right FOR THE GAMES FUCKING TITLE.


Castle of Dragon is hard to explain really. It's got a neat little idea of Platforming/RPG which was only done by two other games on the NES (Sword Master and Frankenstein, neither of them is perfect but they are way better than this game and are both worth picking up but we will get to them later) You go around slashing into boss monsters and getting points for doing so, get enough points and you will go up a level as shown by the bar in the corner of the screen. This is a pretty neat little idea so they get points there. Also the graphics and sound are both really good in this game. The graphics are nice and the sprites are very well detailed and all. The music really sets the mood, it's very low key and really sets the mood nicely I think. I like the music in this game quite a bit.


If I like the concept, I think the graphics are good and I like the music a lot, why the hell do I consider this a bad game? Well for one, this goddamn thing is simply no fucking fun to play. At all. Bad hit detection, like really bad, I've seriously been hurt by nothing in this game. Nothing. Enemies firepower can hit you twice in some situations which is like fucking annoying as shit, to lose half your energy to one annoying enemy, and really the controls suck in this game. There have been so many times when I wanted to jump but the fucker wouldn't let me. ARGH. Seriously, this game is the perfect example of why good graphics and music don't make a good game.

If you are still interested in the idea of this game, I'd tell you to go play Sword Master (which is the unofficial sequel to this game. Weird eh?) and Frankenstein. I'll get to both of those games whenever the hell I feel like it but for now, I'd pick them up and leave Castle of Dragon on the shelf... It's simply not a very enjoyable title and I don't like it, but if you really want to play this game I can't really stop you, who knows you may like it just like Ronald Craig "Scrapper" Nowicki does.

Puzzle (who the fuck cares really?)


I like puzzles. I really do, but I have never liked those sliding puzzles. They were always incredibly bothersome and annoying and I would always screw up the puzzle and chuck it away 5 minutes after getting one. I can remember getting these in loot bags after birthday parties and always, ALWAYS, being disappointed. I don't think I've ever heard of anyone saying anything positive about these puzzles. They were always shitty and somehow they have been around since 1880. Yes, that's right. these shitty things have been around for 130 years bothering every single human being in existence. I hope the creator of these puzzles is rotting in hell right now. Fuck you Noyles Chapman. Fuck you. I think you can all tell you that I won't be enjoying this product from AVE.


I've been racking my mind trying to think of what to say about AVE, so if this isn't good enough for the one AVE fan out there than too bad, go do something else. Anyway, AVE was one of the many unlicensed companies. And they were closer to Color Dreams type shit than Tengen or Camerica (I'm not the biggest fan of most of their work but they at least put out a few good games) AVE put out one game I enjoyed. ONE. out of 19, but to be fair to them they only programmed two of those games, still they helped push out a ton of shitty games including this one. So fuck you American Video Entertainment, you are just BARELY above Color Dreams. BARELY.

Anyway, this game has a bunch of annoying sliding puzzles that I have never been able to finish. I can't even finish one puzzle. it's terrible. Seriously. TERRIBLE. I don't want to talk about this shit no more and it's my blog so I quit. Fuck this game, Fuck Noyles Chapman and if you ever liked those stupid fucking Sliding puzzles, fuck you too. (and if you want good puzzle games go pick up anything that isnt this. Or Pyramid which was oddly enough put out by AVE too!)

Bartman Meets Radioactive Man (1992)

Well, it's been a few days since my last update, and I finally completed this game (I for the most part try to review games after I beat them, I don't think it's fair to talk about a game you havent finished, of course I'm a complete hypocrite and have reviewed games I haven't beaten! but I still try to beat them before I review them) Anyway, Bartman Meets Radioactive man is the final part of what I like to call the "Bart" trilogly on the NES. And if you've read this rather awful blog before you know that I don't particularly like the first two games in this series. And hell I'll save you the time it'll take you to read this review. I don't really like this one either! There, you can thank me later.

To be completely and utterly fair, Bartman Meets Radioactive Man IS a better game than the last two abominations, of course that's really really REALLY faint praise. Still finally the fuckers at whatever stupid company programmed them, (I think Acclaim only published them)  they did me a soild, by fixing the controls. Still the controls in this game aren't perfect, it seems Bartman takes his sweet ass time to use his punch or kick on an enemy. Still at least you can make running jumps easier. Also the graphics are still pretty much the same, kinda weird and off in some spots and kinda decent in others. It's raelly hard for me to explain what I mean there, just some of the graphics look good where as some don't, Bart's sprite still looks strange to me, but some of the bosses look good. So I guess that would get a 50/100 from me!

The music is also better, I know I said they did a decent rendition of the Simpsons theme song in the original two games, and I stand by that, but FUCKING HELL YOU COULD EASILY PUT IN OTHER MUSIC, and while this games music isn't very memorable or good, it's a nice welcomed change of pace, but here's the biggest problem with this game. Some really weird design choices, the first level of this game has so many blind jumps that it's fucking amazing I beat it. The second boss, Dr. Krab, is really bothersome because you cant hit this little crab that walks around the floor but he can hit you, and you have to hit Dr. Krab in the right spot at the right time and thats hard with the slow ass controls. Also the third and last bosses are patheticly easy. Like seriously you could get a fucking chimp to beat those levels. Damnit, I want hard boss battles! Not simple ass ones where all you have to do is hit a piece of lava with your cold breath so it'll hit the Lava Boss.

I'm going to say this, if you are crazy enough to still be watching the Simpsons, or you collect NES games, you already have this game probably. If you are a NES player who doesn't think the Simpsons are any good any more you really shouldn't waste your time with this game, or any of the other three. Just go get Krusty's Fun House. It's a pretty unique puzzle game and is worth the money it'll cost, and no I won't be reviewing that next, mostly because I have been all Simpsoned out..

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

SMS Chronicles PART 1


Yes it's another one of my part ones that I will probably never make a second part to due to incredible laziness. However today will be an intresting treat, as I will  be looking at a few Sega Master System games! Yes! Exiciting! Games that aren't NES games...to be honest I've wanted to branch out more and review other game systems but I never thought I'd ever get to the Sega Master System... mostly because I do not even like this system too much. Still I decided why not give a few games a mini review, see how it goes with the audience I have of like 2 people. Anyway, most SMS games to me weren't fun, and that does include many of the Euro-only releases. They just never did what the NES did for me, and if we are talking about Sega, I'd rather play the Genesis any day, but that's for another time! On with the games!


Can we as gamers just admit that Alex Kidd was no good. Seriously? can we? the games were boring sluggish platformers that I never had a single ounce of fun with. Not one iota. Except for one of them! Which one I can't say, as I may plan to review it in the future, but it sure isn't this one. This game is just honestly boring and doesn't really do anything most NES platformers didn't do 1,000 times better. And really what the fuck was up with those shitty boss battles. Boss battles are some of the best parts of a game, and you go and have them play rock-paper-scissors. IF I WANTED TO PLAY THAT I'D GET SOMEONE TO PLAY IT WITH. FUCKING SHIT MAN. Anyway, I never liked this game from the first second I played it. Call me a NES fanboy all you want, but that still doesn't change my opinion on this game. It's ugly, it's boring and it sucks. I'd rather play fucking Total Recall over this game. Yeah, I went there!

This is another Sega Master System classic. Or at least I've heard it called a classic, and if this is the best this game system has to offer then I don't think I'll ever see what was so great about it. Psycho Fox is a ripoff of a really fucking shitty NES game called Kid Kool. I don't know how desperate SMS owners were to call this a good game but I'm pretty sure they were really desperate. This game blows, sure the graphics look way nicer than the NES counterpart Kid Kool, and such but you could make the nicest graphics in the entire world and if the rest of the game sucked, sorry you still fail. And this game fails for all the reasons Kid Kool fails which are too many to list right now so I'm just going to go with the biggest, really fucking shitty play control. I can never seem to control either character well. If you want the Kid Kool/Psycho Fox gameplay done right, go check out a game called Decap Attack for the Sega Genesis. That's what both of those shitty games COULD have been.


The Flinstones was a show I never cared for all that much. I'd watch it if it came on but I never cared all that much for it, still I can easily admit when a license I didn't like made good games. The Flintstones games for the NES, SNES and Genesis were very good very enjoyable platformers. This game is well not enjoyable in the least. Seriously the first level has you painting a goddamn wall. What next, cooking?!? I don't want to do that fucking shit in real life why the hell would I want to do it in a game. Sure the games for the other systems weren't totally true to the show, as the Flintstones didn't go on that many wacky adventures fighting dinosaurs and shit, but this game prooves that a fucking game based on what did happen on the show would have been fucking boring as shit. Seriously, a god damn painting stage. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. Jesus.


Well, I think I shall end this post with a positive. Donald Duck in Deep Duck Trouble, is probably not as good as any of the Disney titles for the NES, BUT is a title worth getting for your collection of games. Yes, this game is actually pretty fun, and a decent challenge for a Disney title. Not really hard but probably harder than the ones for the NES. Still I do have some problems with this game, well it's mainly just one problem. The music, it really kinda sucks. Seriously go pick up Rescue Rangers or Duck Tales for the NES and then come back and listen to the music from this one. there is a BIG fucking difference, but still the music isn't so bad that it hampers the gameplay which is your usual platformer shenanagins. It's not a perfect game, but it has some damn nice 8-bit graphics, some nice stages, it's fun, and it stars Donald Duck, my favorite Disney character. If you have a SMS I suggest getting this fine title.

I think if we keep on going with this. and by we I mean me, I shall keep a running score of what games I like and what I don't. so far its 3 to 1, that's not very good SMS! Not very good at all! (also if you have any recommendations for me, just post them in the comments section. If you want to castrate me for saying Alex Kidd or Psycho Fox or hell even that damn Flintstones game sucks, I wouldn't really bother. It's not like anyone is ever going to let me use my penis on them, so coming here and cutting it off wouldn't really do much. All I get to use that for is pissing, and that's it.)

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Tom & Jerry (1991)

I don't think I watched Tom & Jerry as a kid. I know I watched every other stupid Hanna Barbera cartoon out there, even the really really bad ones. I'm sure some smart ass will go LOL SO YOU MEAN ALL OF THEM. but seriously, fuck you Huckleberry Hound and Yogi Bear are awesome. God damn awesome. Sadly, the only thing related to Tom & Jerry I remember from MY GLORY DAYS is the show Tom & Jerry Kids, which was a abortion of a tv show. And not one of those good abortions done by doctors who know what they are doing, I mean a messy back alley abortion proformed by some drunken redneck idiot who ends up killing the mother. I have no idea where I was going with this joke at all, but it certainly went downhill fast. So I guess it's time to change to another subject other than abortions! Let's talk about a NES game I think is pretty good!

Tom & Jerry (and Tuffy) was a game programmed by Software Creations and Hi Tech Expressions published it. I don't think Hi-Tech Expressions ever programmed a good video game and they didn't even publish many good ones either, but their games were never so horribly bad that you remember them as a company. In fact I called them Hi-Tech Electronics before I decided to go check out and see what there real name was...see... no one cares about Hi-Tech. At least I don't. AND I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE. Also I'm sure I've talked about Software Creations before, I love those british bastards. Sure their games are very hit-or-miss  but the hits are really pretty good games, where as the misses aren't complete and utter shit... like Ikari Warriors. Although If I really loved them I wouldn't have originally called them Softwork Creations, but that's what you get when you write a lazy review in 15 mintues about a game no one cares about because you are bored.


Tom & Jerry is a platformer, just like half of the NES games that were released! And since I do love a good 2D platformer I do like this game a whole lot. And I think most people would too, after they got past the steep learning curve of the game as this game is HARD, and while most people would complain that it was made for kids I don't really give a shit if kids like this game because I don't give a shit about kids period. Little bastards, but this game IS hard. it's pretty damn hard for a game based on Tom & Jerry, but I like it that way. Hard NES platformers that are also actually good are a rarity. Most of them are only semi-tough, or tough because they are stupid and broken like Bart Vs. The Space Mutants.

Another great thing about this game is that the graphics are very kiddy which gives the game a nice look to it. The graphics look all goofy and shit like they just came out of a cartoon, which suits it as this game WAS based on a cartoon. The music by Tim & Geoff Follin is great. Seriously, say what you want about the games Software Creations made but don't ever sass the music. The music in all of the games (at least the ones made by the Follins) is damn good and some of the best music on the NES. The game also has some really well designed and nice looking levels, maybe a few really dick moves in this game. And for a NES title that's saying a fucking lot. In the end this game to me is pretty fun.

That's yet another game review of a game no one really cares about. I think I'm going to stay on that course and talk about games no one really cares all that much about, and never really talks about. So stay tuned for tomorrow....or probably next week... FOR ANOTHER GAME THAT YOU WON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT! WON'T THAT BE FUN!??


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The Simpsons: Bart Vs. The World (1991)

Making a good video game sequel, I think, isn't as hard as making a good movie sequel. With a video game you can easily just take out everything that didn't work in the original game and add in new things that you think are intresting. Take Mega Man 1 for example, it's a pretty good game but Mega Man 2 is even better. Gone are all the problems of Mega Man 1, like the glitches and stuff and new things are added like the items and the E-Tanks. What I'm saying is that you can make a good video game sequel pretty easily if you give a shit, but Imaigneering didn't give a shit about this piss poor sequel to a game that wasn't even good to begin with.

Remember all the flaws that Bart Vs. the Space Mutants had? The kinda off graphics, the terrible, horrible controls and some of the worst jumps in the history of the NES. Well, guess what kids!? Bart Vs. the World has those same god damn problems, and they are even worse. More of the characters look off now, it's hard to explain but they just look even shittier than before, maybe it was the fact they actually had an outline in the last game but none here. Unless I'm remembering wrong, I blocked everything out of my memory about that game after I beat it. Yes, I wasted hours of my time beating that shitty game. And I'm going to waste more hours of my time trying to beat THIS shitty game. The jumps in this game are even worse, seriously, you have to get DEAD CENTER of each and every fucking platform when you make a jump or its bye bye Bartie! I don't know about you, but it's goddamn annoying to get 11 lives in the first two worlds just to lose them all when you cant make a fucking jump. And it's even more annoying when you see yourself falling through the platforms you SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO GET ON

The only positive I can think of is that the music has improved, offering different songs then just the Simpsons tune (which was admittly done pretty well in Bart Vs the Space Mutants but shouldn't have been the only fucking song in the game) Also I want to give a hearty FUCK YOU to any game designers who put in bad endings in there games and had you do something crazy to get them... seriously, it was annoying in a good game like Bubble Bobble, so if I wouldnt let Bubble Bobble get away with it why the hell would I let Bart Vs the World get away with it?

I personally believe that you should not give any of the three Simpsons platformers a shot, but it seems that theres a small miniorty of gamers who enjoy these games despite all of their flaws, so in the end it's all up to you if you decide to play this game. If they cause you to lose your hair and go insane from the stress they cause, don't blame me. I warned you. I WARNED ALL OF THEM.                                                                       

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Blaxploitation Month: Blaxploitation Horror! PART 1!

 Yes, one and all today is the start of February and hopefully I will actually do what I set out to do for this terrible, terrible blog. Yes, I've decided since that this is the 35th year that Black History Month is being celebrated in America, Canada and the UK... I've decided to talk about the sheer awesomeness that is blaxploitation movies. Yep, I've decided to share my love of those ridiculous movies with Rob....and DamienC and Piston1984.... I don't know who the last guy is but I love you for commenting on my SUperman review! Anyway, Blaxploitation was a genre of film that was created circa 1970s and was created mostly for black urban youth. I'm not a black urban youth but I do enjoy these silly (and sometimes, JUST sometimes serious) movies. I'm also a huge fan of horror movies. Like huge, I've seen more than any human being should and I have access to more than any human being should, so I decided why the hell not to combine my love of both and talk about blaxploitation horror movies!


Our first movie is Blacula and surprise surprise, this is actually a legitimately well made movie. Seriously, it's not perfect but the fact there's two movies out there with Blacula in the title and they were both taken very seriously blows my god damn mind. Seriously, when you think Blacula you think of the cheesiest thing ever made, but it isn't, sure theres some weird comic relief (from what I remember...yes, I'm going by memory because I'm too lazy to go rent / download / buy this movie.). Most of the acting is not great except for William Marshall, Blacula himself. This guy was a trained Shakespearean actor if I recall correctly (I'm too damn lazy to check) and he does a really good job, and takes the movie incredibly seriously. He was also on Pee Wee's Playhouse. In fact I'm so crazy that I'm going to say this I like Blacula more than I like Dracula with Bela Lugosi. That's right. I WENT THERE SON.


Now for the sequel of Blacula, Scream Blacula, Scream, and wouldn't you know it. This is actually a BETTER movie than the original. It's got a better plot, better acting, and more vampires and action than you can shake a stick at. William Marshall does a pretty solid job again, and this time he's joined by the lovely Pam Grier who also does a damn good job too. The plot involves Blacula trying to become a human again! Wild stuff! I don't know how many times that plot has been done before but I don't remember seeing it done too many times... which makes it interesting to watch! and he kills this dude with a giant afro and it's hilarious! Uh... see this movie. It's a bit silly but it's a pretty good movie I think.


Now for the final movie of  part one, and sadly we aren't going out on a high note. The last movie is the movie I just finished watching and had to throw this shitty review together just to express my dislike of it. Blackenstein is an incredible disappointment. You probably didn't expect a seriously well made movie but you did expect to get some fucking entertainment out of it. Seriously, Blackenstein is honestly boring as shit. I don't like referring to movies as boring it makes me feel like I'm some 12 year old with A.D.D. but that's what this movie is. Boring, mostly because of the weird pacing but also because it seems that the actors themselves aren't even enjoying themselves. They aren't having fun, they aren't even trying to act. The guy who plays Blackenstein just looks bored to be there. Seriously bored out of his goddamn skull. The movies pacing is weird too, it spends about 45 minutes of an 86 minute movie building up Blackenstein's back story. You already know his goddamn back story, it's the same goddamn back story as Frankenstein just with a few different changes. Seriously, I knew I wasn't going to hit greatness with Blackenstein. It wasn't going to be a good movie, but I did think I was going to get something I'd enjoy watching. Sadly I was mistaken. Still one good part of this movie is the doctors assistant Malcolm, he always talks in a monotone voice, even when declaring love to Blackenstein's fiancee... seriously his voice and mannerisms were hilarious to watch, sadly he couldn't save this incredibly shitty feature.

I'll be back hopefully more times this month with more weird and wild blaxploitation mini reviews, or maybe I'll just forget about my blog again because I'm too busy watching reruns of  Thundercats, Desiging Women and Newhart. We shall see!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Simpsons: Bart Vs The Space Mutants (1991)

If you can actually read what I am typing there is a good fucking chance you already know about the Simpsons. Love them, hate them, used to love them but now think the show is about as funny as cancerous aids (I don't even think cancerous aids is even real but new episodes of the simpsons are less funny than cancer or aids so I had to create something new...so if you were wondering what group I'm a part of it's the last one genius!) You do know about them, there's no god damn way anyone living in a english speaking country doesn't know what the Simpsons are. Hell, most non english speaking countries know about the Simpsons. It's like fucking Superman. YOU KNOW WHO THEY ARE I DON'T NEED TO BE EXPLAINING IT. And I won't. I just wanted to make a whole spiel about the fact I'm not going to be explaining shit about the Simpsons in this review. If you are the one person who's been living under a rock for the last 22 years than you can go some place else.

The Simpsons have been in video games since pretty much the beginning of the show. When the show was in it's second season they created the greatest of them all, no, I'm not talking about this game (which came out in the same year) I'm talking about the arcade beat em up. I don't think there will ever be a Simpsons game that will ever come close to the excellence of that one but it seems like they didn't even fucking try. After that game they just gave up. I know I've said Bart's Nightmare and Virtual Bart were good, but that's mostly nostalgia talking. I don't think the new wii/ds game was as good as the first game, although it wasn't bad.. Sadly I can't be talking about any of those better games, no I get to talk about Bart Vs. the Fucking Space Mutants.

First things first, I should talk about some of the positives this game has. The music isn't too bad but will get annoying by stage 2, still not exactly awful, and I really like idea of collecting items throught the level, that's a neat idea, I mean if there's one item that's too hard to get you can just go get another one, you have a set number of items to destroy or get rid of in a level and there's always more than that set number, so you can choose what items to get or what not. Also I like the fact they actually added in the other Simpsons family members. And other characters too like Moe, even though he looks pretty much the same as the other random characters strolling the streets. Sadly the characters aren't really worth getting, like jumping on random people hoping to find an alien so they will give you a letter of the characters name isn't really worth it because the bosses are easy as hell without their help, either way it's nice to see them in the game and to a crazy old man like me who loves the original first two seasons a lot, seeing Dr. Marvin Monroe and the Babysitter Bandit brings a god damn tear to my eye.


Sadly, those are the only pros this game has, the graphics aren't really bad but kinda weird, I mean some characters look really good like Sideshow Bob, but some characters look really off like Bart. I dunno it's hard to explain but I think the graphics on this game are a pretty mixed bag and when you realize SMB3 came out a year before you'll be like WAAAAAAAAT because this is a down grade without a doubt. I mentioned up in the other paragraph that the bosses are easy. That's really true. I don't think the bosses could be any easier. No way in hell, but all of that could be forgiven easily if it wasn't for the rotten, shitty, awful, terrible controls. To do a running jump you need to press A and B and honestly I find that really hard to pull off, and it causes me to die many many times.

The Simpsons first outing for the NES isn't completely and utterly awful and is probably the second best Simpsons game for the NES (I, like everyone else, forget about Krusty's Fun House) but I could program a game that was better made than Bart vs the World or Bartman Meets Radioactive Man, so that praise is really faint. Still I'd give it a shot, who knows maybe you'll be crazy like ROBERT LEE BRYANT and enjoy this game. Or be sane like me and not like it. Either way, I don't care.

Wall Street Kid (1990)

Well, I guess It's time for me to talk to you all about the Stock Market and tell you everything I know about it....okay, done. Yep. I know nothing about how the stock market actually works. I haven't even seen the movie Wall Street. Just Trading Places. Dan Ackroyd is better than Oliver Stone any day of the week! Also I played Wall Street Kid for the NES, but I don't think it's like the actual stock market or anything. But who knows. If I were Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons I would probably proclaim this opening to be the "Worst. Opening. Ever" and that's pretty true so let's get to the second and hopefully better paragraph.

Wall Street Kid was programmed AND published by Sofel Corporation and if you don't know who they are don't worry, you'd have to be depressingly nerdy as I am to know who they are.  Sofel is probably the least well known NES company of all time, making or at least publishing 4 games. Casino Kid, Casino Kid 2, Dragon Fighter and Wall Street Kid. I think they are a pretty decent company who tried to do some different things, like this game. I mean really who the hell thought of the idea of a stock market sim for the Nintendo? And who the hell knew It could be good enough to get a zero grade on Something Awful's Rom Pit (all the other games get negatives, and while I do love that site I really don't see how some of the games they review can be seen as so bad they get negative score. Oh well, complaining about what a comedy website reviews. Yeah, I'm pretty lame)

Anyway, the internet has not been very kind to this game. I can't think of many people who don't consider this game to be an incredible joke, and I can see why, it's a very lame idea for a simulation, yet I'm going to have to stick up for this game (yes, yes I know. I stick up for shitty games blah blah) and say that it's actually rather enjoyable... or maybe I just like really boring things. Who knows? Anyway despite the fact I find this game fun I do have to mention that the graphics arent great, I mean most of the game is black screen with text. That's not great graphics, BUT I don't give a rat poop in the end about graphics on the fucking NES. I do really like the music in this game. It's very upbeat and catchy, even though it kinda feels like it should be in pretty much any other game ever.

I don't know why I like Wall Street Kid for the NES. I really don't, but I honestly do find this game to be rather fun. I think I was dropped on my head many times as a child.