Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Flintstones: Rescue of Dino and Hoppy (1991)

I've got to be completely honest. I did not know today was the 50th Anniversary of the Flintstones because to be honest I never really liked the Flintstones. I don't really care for rock based puns and seeing as that was pretty much 98% of the comedy on the show, it was pretty painful. Anyway, thanks to Google I found out that today is the 50th Anniversary so I decided to talk about the NES game because really I have nothing else better to do.

The Flintstones: The Rescue of Dino and Hoppy is actually a pretty good game based off such an awful franchise. The game has a decent plot (although you know how I feel about plots) involving time travel from the 30th Century, where some ugly bastard kidnaps Dino and Hoppy (the latter I do not remember at all, but he was the Rubble's pet kangaroo.... yes a prehistoric kangaroo..) and you have to get the Great Gazoo's help using his time machine, which kinda makes no sense if you were a fan of the show as Fred could only see the Gazoo, but in the game everyone talks about him, but to be fair I don't really give a shit if this game has any inconsistencies from the stupid ass show.

The Flintstones is a platformer what a shocker eh?, BUT to be fair. It's a pretty good platformer. It controls well. The graphics are good, the backgrounds are nice. The sprites look like the characters they are supposed too (except that Barney has brown hair in the game...) The music is pretty good. It's pretty fun and a decent challenge to boot. (I remember having a lot of trouble near the end of the game, but it's still beatable) The Flintstones is just a simple, fun game.

Oddly enough the sequel on the NES and the other SNES game made by Taito are also pretty good and worth owning. Somehow the Flintstones made the jump to video games pretty well. Even if you think the Flintstones is awful, this game (and the two sequels) are worth checking out. Nothing that will make you shit yourself but still some pretty solid games.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Wacky Races (1992)

From what I remember Wacky Races was a pretty enjoyable cartoon from the fellas over at Hanna-Barbera. I never thought the cartoon was that popular but I guess I've been proved wrong as other than this NES game there were THREE other Wacky Races games. The newest being a game for the Wii. The other games were racing games, which you know makes some fucking sense because the entire damn cartoon was about racing, however this game is a platformer.

I don't know why Atlus decided to make a platformer out of Wacky RACES. I really don't. This would been the perfect time to make a great racing game for the NES. The only racing game I think is really good for the NES is RC Pro Am, but to be fair theres a bunch I haven't played yet. Despite the fact this should have been a damn racing game, it's still a pretty good platformer. You play as Muttley who has to stop the other Wacky Racers or something. Whats good about this game is the neat power ups you can get after you pick up a bunch of bones. a Bomb power up, a bark power up, a flight power up (yes I know according to Atlus, dogs can fly.) and a heart power up.

The biggest problem with this game is that its incredibly easy. I mean very easy. This makes Chip N Dale Rescue Rangers look like Battletoads. The only game that is honestly easier is Felix the Cat.  The incredibly easyness is a minor complaint as the game is still pretty fun.

Also, a question before I end this review, why the hell was it okay for the other Wacky Racers to cheat like motherfuckers but when Dick Dastardly did it, everyone freaked the hell out?? Yes, this is what I spend my time thinking about...

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Shatterhand (1991)

The games Natsume made for the NES were fucking awesome. Shadow of the Ninja was fucking awesome. The Jetsons: Cogswells Caper (published by Taito) was pretty damn good for being based around the goddamn Jetsons. Dragon Fighter was pretty good although had some flaws (Which I'll get into whenever the hell I decide to review that game). S.C.A.T. was a pretty good shooter with an unfortunate name. Very unfortunate. Abadox is probably on my top 25 NES games.  Mitsume ga Tooru was a very good but a very strange Famicom game. And last but not least, the game we are going to be talking about today, Shatterhand. (which was based off some Japanese TV show. Yes, there was a Shatterhand TV show. In Japan. I want to be Japanese now.)


Shatterhand is pretty damn awesome, which just goes to show you that Natsume is a damn good company. The game has great graphics. FANTASTIC music. some of the greatest music on the system. Great controls. And A unique gameplay mechanic. The gameplay mechanic was that if you break open these boxes, a robotic part with the Greek letters a or B on them. I don't know why they choose Greek of all the languages but in the end I don't really care either. Collect three of these robotic parts and you get a robotic pal to help you beat the shit out of everyone. That's right, you get a goddamn robot in this game. Some of the robots sadly suck ass and aren't worth getting, but the ones that are worth getting are goddamn awesome. Still they could have made it so that all the robots were worth getting, but thats just a minor complaint.

The game is pretty damn challenging. I've had it for a few years now and I still haven't beaten it. And I beat The Adventures of Bayou Billy, but don't let the incredible challenge keep you from this game. The game only gets balls bustingly hard in the final stage, where you have to beat old bosses again. Final stages are supposed to be balls bustingly hard. Damnit.

I think in the end you should seriously pick up a copy of this game. It's a very unique platformer and everything about it is very well polished and goddamnit stop listening to me ramble on about this shit and go buy a goddamn copy.

Street Fighter 2010 (1990)

I'm going to be honest here, THIS is probably my favorite thing related to Street Fighter... and it's barely related to Street Fighter as it is. I personally don't really like fighting games, although I can get some enjoyment out of Street Fighter, even though I suck royally at the games which is mostly why I don't really care for fighting games. Also heres another shocker, the only Mortal Kombat game I ever played was that N64 game, and it was only for a few minutes at Zellers because I was bored... and it didn't really stop me from being bored.

I find this game to be incredibly fun, but it takes some time to get used to how your character moves. Once you get the hang of the controls down pat I really think you'll have a good time playing this game. Everything else about it is good. It's somewhat unique for a platformer (some levels are just boss fights. Some are incredibly long and hard. It's like a surprise in every level. I love surprises!) The graphics are great, the music is pretty good, but not up to usual Capcom standards in my mind.

Most people will complain about how hard this game is, and honestly I don't think it's that hard. I beat it after putting about a weeks worth of effort into the game. It's really not that tough, sure it's hard at first, but once you get the hang of the controls it becomes a lot easier. This is a game that's not as hard as most people say. It's not easy, but I don't agree with everyone else who says its one of the hardest games on the NES. This game ain't got shit on Battletoads or Adventure Island, son.

I think that you should give Street Fighter 2010 a shot. It's a pretty good game with a fair challenge  and will keep you entertained for a decent amount of time, and has some pretty good replay value. A true somewhat-underrated gem of a NES game.

Kabuki: Quantum Fighter (1990)

When I originally decided to review this game, I had planned to talk about Hal America, the american offshoot of Hal Labs, which was a pretty good if underrated company, however I gotta save that opening for the Air Fortress review because I found out that they didn't make this game. So thanks a lot Kabuki Quantum Fighter (which was just published by Hal and developed by Human Entertainment... I don't know anything about them except that they also made Gilligans Island and Monster Party for the NES. Yes, there was a Gilligans Island game. No, you probably won't like it. I'm pretty sure the only person who liked that game is me. I like a lot of not so good games.)


The game takes place inside a computer of some sort. You play as Scott O'Connell who when is put in the computer becomes a Kabuki because his ancestors were Kabuki. So Scott is a Irish Japanese fellow... that's an interesting mix (Kabuki is some kind of japanese dancing shit. I don't know. This isn't a goddamn Kabuki blog.) So he has to go inside the computer and stop the evil virus. The plot is pretty stupid but you already know how I feel about NES plots (98% of them were retarded as fucking hell)

This game is a lot like Batman or Ninja Gaiden, except so much easier. So if you are a giant wussy who can't beat Ninja Gaiden (hi Damien) you could probably put this game in its place. That's probably this games only flaw in my mind, It's a bit on the easy side (although it seems a lot of people think this game is hard. So who knows maybe you will too) The graphics are pretty good. the music was also pretty good. The gameplay is similar to other games but it is still pretty good.

This is one of the many totally awesome sidescrollers for the NES, so if you enjoy sidescrollers you should check this game out. Plus you get to hit dudes with your hair. HOW COOL IS THAT?

Little Nemo: The Dream Master (1990)

I think Capcom may have been the greatest developer for the NES. In fact, I think they may have beaten Nintendo at their own game. I'm sure people will be like HOW DARE YOU, Well I'm sure they would be if they actually visited this terrible terrible blog, but enough about that. There are games made by Nintendo that I just do not like. Games I feel are terrible. Like Baseball and most of their early sports titles. The games that barely beat out Atari 2600 games, and I feel every other company made a game I absolutely hated, Konami, Vic Tokai, Sunsoft, Taito. Doesn't matter which, they made a goddamn stinker. I don't think there's one Capcom game I didn't hate.  Wait. I just remembered 1942. And Commando. And Section Z. And the NES version of Ghost N Goblins. OK, so they did make some bad games but fuck you they still kicked ass.


This game is a perfect example of how much ass Capcom kicked. Little Nemo: The Dream Master was based off a animated movie from japan I haven't seen in about 15 years WHICH in turn was based off a comic strip from the beginning of the 20th Century, and it kicks god damn ass. So much god damn ass.
The game has a incredibly fun mechanic, where you feed animals candy and you can then TAKE OVER THEIR SOULS, and each animal does a different thing. Like moles will dig in dirt and crabs will swim. This mechanic really makes the game shine.

Everything about this game is great, honestly. The levels are big and fun to search, the graphics are fantastic. The music is pretty damn good. The only flaw I can think off is the uneven difficulty. The game is incredibly easy during the first like 8 stages and than becomes incredibly hard during the last stage. I know last stages are supposed to be incredibly hard, but I felt it was a bit too hard mostly because of one very evil jump. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, of course thats one very very very minor complaint about an excellent game.

All I have to say is Little Nemo is an excellent game and must be purchased by anyone who enjoys NES games.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Sesame Street 123/ABC (1990?)

I don't really know why I'm bothering to review a fucking Sesame Street game, but life takes you strange places sometimes and well here I am reviewing a goddamn Sesame Street game. I'll assume you know who Jim Henson is and what Sesame Street is (if you don't, then get the fuck off my blog you piece of shit), As you can tell this is an educational game for four year olds. I doubt it's going to be any fun for me seeing as I haven't been four in  twenty-one years.

In this pile of shit you get to play FOUR games because this is just a lazy compilation cart of two previous Sesame Street games, I own not only Sesame Street 123 and Sesame Street ABC, BUT also Sesame Street 123/ABC, As you can see I have serious mental issues. But enough about me, the four games you get aren't the worst. The music and graphics are all pretty good you can tell they put effort into them. The problem is... I already know goddamn basic math. And I know the entire goddamn alphabet. AND SHAPES AND ALL THAT GODDAMN SHIT. I LEARNED THAT SHIT MORE THAN TWO GOD DAMN DECADES AGO. I DON'T NEED THIS GAME. IT'S NOT FUN.

Seriously though. I don't know how I actually played these games to completion because they are so fucking boring. Unless you have a four year old or you have problems like me and need to own every single stupid NES game, my advice would be to Skip it

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)

Of the two Home Alone movies (shut up, Home Alone 3 and 4 do not exist and never will exist and if you talk about them I will beat you with a shoe) I think my favorite was the second one. I know most people didn't like it at all, and most people like the original more, but I dunno there's just something charming and enjoyable about the sequel to Home Alone.. which is sad because the game based off it is much, much worse than the original game.

The game is just your regular platformer, where you play stages based off scenes from the movie. It's just really poorly made. The graphics are pretty ugly and drab, I mean by 1992, most NES game developers had the knoweldge and knew how to make the most of the 8 bit console. I don't think T*HQ really tried. The music isn't too terrible (even though they stole some sounds from Bart Vs the Space Mutants, I mean really wouldn't you rather steal from a better game?), but neither of those things really make or break the game for me. I mean the graphics in the first game were terrible, but I still enjoyed it. What ruins Home Alone 2: Lost in New York is the controls are really really terrible. There's also the fact that some enemies cannot be killed, not by your sliding move, or the guns you collect, which is a real god damn pain in the ass. Despite all that the game isn't too challenging and it only took a few days of playing it a little bit (because I couldn't stand the game) I think you could easily beat the game in an hour or two if you somehow like it.

This game despite my bitching really isn't the worst of the games made by T*HQ, it's actually in the upper tier of games from the company. It's playable which is something you can't say about The Adventures of Rocky and Bulwinkle and Friends. I don't think anyone could say anything positive about that.

Buy it or Skip it: Skip it. While admittly it's playable, it's not exactly fun.

Home Alone (1991)

When I was a youngster, the two Home Alone movies were some of my favorite movies (and I'm not going to lie, I still enjoy them nowadays), I had no idea they did make a game based off of Home Alone until years later when I found emulation and started downloading pretty much every non-sports title for the NES. I remember playing this game with my sister and honestly having a good time. That's right, I had a good time playing this game. Even though I later found out it seems every single person out there hates this game with a  passion of a thousand suns. Oh well, I still like this dumb game.

I think I like this game mostly because it tried to do something a bit different then you expect. When you start up this game you expect a platformer don't you, not what you get is more strategy based. Yes, strategy based. In this game you have to avoid the two criminals (Harry and Marv) for 20 minutes by hiding behind things (you can't hide behind everything) or by planting traps (like in the movie). It can get pretty hard as you can only use each trap twice, but theres enough traps to help you beat the game (and yes I've beaten it. take that people who posted on Mark J Popp's site on what were the hardest NES games. I AM YOUR SUPERIOR! of course I only did it because Marv [who looks NOTHING like Danny Stern] glitched out and wouldn't move after falling down.)


Yeah, this game is pretty glitchy. Sometimes the crooks can easily pass a trap that's been placed on the ground for no real reason. The glitches are probably the biggest part of why it seems I'm the only one who likes this game. I can honestly look past the glitches. That and the somewhat wonky controls are the big reasons why I think people don't like it. Unless they don't like it because the graphics and music are shitty (which is true for the graphics but I find the music oddly catchy.)

Yeah, I could go along with everyone else, but I had to post my honest thoughts on this game. It's pretty enjoyable to me despite the play control and glitches. Now on to Home Alone 2... which I think we can all agree was a much, much, much worse game.

Buy it or Skip it: Buy it, I honestly think you should give it a chance.

Taboo: The Sixth Sense (1989)

I honestly do not know what to say about this game. It's probably the dumbest idea to ever make a NES game out of. You know what this game does for you. It tells you your fortune, for people who think fortune telling is hogwash (like I do), this game doesn't really deserve a review because honestly it's barely a game to begin with, but the things I do for you people.

So how does this game play. I actually have no fucking idea. Yes, I've played it, but I really don't know how I got my stupid fortune anyway. Seriously. The music was fine, the graphics are good. I honestly can't say anything about this fucking game.

Yeah, that's my review. Another interesting point, I own some of the rarest NES games. Games people are paying a lot of money to own. Stuff like Little Samson that goes for around a hundred bucks now, yet I do not own a copy of Taboo.

Buy it or Skip it:  As a game, it fails. It's barely a game to begin with. As a conversation piece, its not too bad. I mean it is kind of interesting that the guys who would go on to make Battletoads and Donkey Kong Country made a game that would tell you your fortune. Hell that on its own is interesting because thats the worst idea i have ever heard for a god damn video game ever. so i'd say buy it just to tell people about it, but don't ever try to play it.

Where's Waldo (1991)

Where's Waldo (or Where's Wally? in its native Britain) was created by Martin Handford in 1987. It was a series of books where you had to find a goofball named Waldo. The books were popular enough to make a video game out of and seeing that I didn't really like the books, you can wonder how I feel about this game (made for people too lazy to use the books)

The game was made by T*HQ, which would be my pick for the worst licensed game publisher / developer for the NES. Of all their games I could only find one to be somewhat enjoyable. (You'll find out what game that is soon) Oddly enough T*HQ (which stood for Toy Headquarters) DID become a good game publisher years later (at least from what I hear. I've never played any of their games past the SNES era anyway), but man oh man were their early games awful.

The games biggest flaw is that the graphics are so god damn terrible. I mean any of these ugly fuckers could be Waldo, how the fuck am I supposed to find Waldo in all of this shit, and most of the levels are like this. There's three levels that aren't. One level where you have to get Waldo out of a cave, one where you have to get waldo out of some bus station puzzle thing, and some weird SMB2 bonus game like thing. None of them are fun, but at least they aren't as frustrating as the stupid regular levels.

There was another Waldo game for the NES intitled  The Great Waldo Search, which was the easiest NES game ever made. No joke. It was also a better game than this one, of course that's no great feat. Don't get me wrong, it was also a terrible game, but at least it was playable.

Buy it or Skip it: Don't buy this game. DON'T.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Captain Comic (1989)

Before I get into today's game I should talk about the history of Color Dreams (they dared to dream in color! thanks to who ever it was I stole that rather lame joke from). It was the second company to make unlicensed games for the NES, after Tengen, AND they were definitely the worst of the bunch, even if most of their games were just bought from Sachen (a Taiwanese company. A TERRIBLE Taiwanese company). They started up in 1989 and A year later they decided to make another company so that they could pump out even shittier games without ruining their reputation (which was ruined from day fucking one if you ask me). The second company was named Bunch Games (as in their games were a BUNCH of shit). Now we get to the good part, after this they decided to make games based on the fucking BIBLE under the name Wisdom Tree, which is actually still making games to this day. (and their bible based games are funny. not good games (well OK I liked The Legend of Jesus aka Spiritual Warfare) , but the idea of a bible based video game is really fucking funny to me).

Now that you know way too much about Color Dreams. (more than any human being should know, honestly) Here's one of their first games (the first official release they made was Baby Boomer. Captain Comic must have been second or third) This was based off of a PC game (that I've never played), I have no idea if the PC game was any good, but I certainly know that the NES version sucks a wet fart out of a goddamn camel's ass.

This game is pretty much ruined by one giant flaw. YOU CAN'T FUCKING DUCK. I have no idea if that was in the original PC game or not and really I'm too damn lazy to check. If that were fixed Captain Comic would be a good game. It's got decent graphics for the time. The music is actually kinda nice, and it would be pretty fun. The game play reminds me of Metroid where in you are on a different planet and you have to find three treasures to beat the game. It's a game big on searching, like Metroid, which is a shame because this could have been a pretty fun Metroid clone.

As far as Color Dreams/Bunch Games/Wisdom Tree games go, this is probably #2, after The Legend of Jesus (aka Spiritual Warfare... and if you dont know why I call it that you really need to check the game out) which just shows how bad Color Dreams really was, sure the carts look pretty neat (baby blue instead of regular gray) but honestly, Color Dreams made worse games than any other publisher on the NES. I would rather play every single T*HQ game to completiton TWICE, then beat fucking Raid 2020. And maybe one day when I'm depressed enough I'll talk about that game, but I hope that day never comes.

Buy it or Skip it: Skip it. THIS could have been a good game if it wasnt for the fact YOU CANT DUCK. WHY THE FUCK IS YOUR CHARACTER SO HUGE THEN??? FUCKING HELL.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Total Recall (1990)

According to the Internet, you have to be the biggest, ugliest, dumbest, retard ever born to be able to enjoy this game. I guess I must be the biggest, ugliest, dumbest retard ever born because guess what I like Total Recall for the NES. And not because its hilariously bad like X-Men. I honestly think this is a good game that gets a bad rap. OH NO ITS BASED OF A MOVIE AND MADE BY ACCLAIM I CANT LIKE IT AHHH is what everyone else has said,  me I decided to give the damn game a shot.

I honestly do not see what is so god damn bad about this game. The way everyone trashes it you'd think the game came to life and killed their dog or something. Jesus, the game is fine. The graphics while not the best are fine. The music is decent enough. The gameplay is your usual sidescroller stuff, nothing too hard to figure out. The game has a decent challenge and honestly isn't too hard if you put enough effort into it (also the last boss is so patheticly easy). It sort of follows the movie it is based on (which was based on a story. a game based on a movie based on a story. HOW WILD IS THAT)

I just don't understand it. I remember getting this game for cheap and honestly having a good time with it, I only got to the racing stage (which is admittly the worst and hardest level in the game) and gave up because it fustrated me so much. Years later, I came back to it and beat it, having fun. I know I probably made some people out there mad because I dissed Dragon Warrior and praised Total Recall, but really I don't give a flying fuck.

Buy it or Skip it: I'd honestly give this game a shot. I seriously feel that most people are hard on this game because it was published by acclaim (it was actually made by Interplay, another reason you shouldnt let the fact a game is made by LJN or Acclaim or whatever company we NES fans are supposed to hate let you be the judge of game. Honestly play the damn things for more than 5 minutes before going LOL, ANOTHER SHITTY GAME MADE BY LJN.. ) Total Recall is no masterpiece, but by god it's worth the 3 bucks you'll pay for a copy of it.

Dragon Warrior (1986 / 1989)

You may be thinking, "claw! so far you've only reviewed games that for the most part are rather obscure! why are you reviewing Dragon Warrior? Everyone knows about it. Everyone loves it!" Well get ready for a SHOCK that will probably cause you to SHIT yourself. I do not like Dragon Warrior. Yes, that's right. This is one of the NES classics that I honestly think sucks shit. Along with all of its god damn stupid sequels.

I'll just come clean right now. I don't really like turn based RPGs, except for Final Fantasy 1, 4, 6, Earthbound, Chrono Trigger I just do not care for the genre. I find the games to be incredibly tedious and unfun, and thats what Dragon Warrior is to me. Very god damn tedious. I'll give the graphics there due. They are incredibly good for 1986 (when the game came out original over in the land of the rising sun). The music is average. It's just not good or bad. It'll probably get stuck in your head, but it's still not great. I also really like the fact they talk in english from like the middle ages or whatnot..


Now back to the major point and why I don't really like this game. I find it to be incredibly tedious. boring. annoying and just silly. Maybe had I played this when it came out originally. Maybe I would have liked it then, as it has become very very dated. However, I didn't play this game until 2000, and by then I had played better RPGs like the ones mentioned above, and going back to this game was just a step backwards. I just didnt like it from the second I started it. I also got lost very quickly as I don't remember townsfolk being any goddamn help at all and to beat this stupid game (yes I actually wasted my time beating it) I had to use some kind of map.

Honestly despite being positive about this review and not throwing around a thousand curses like I usually do. One would think I don't really hate this game. Only dislike it a little. Well lets throw that idea right out of your head. If you told me I had to play Hydlide or Dragon Warrior to completion or you'd kill, I dunno, my dog. I'd pick Hydlide. At least that game was fun to laugh at.

Skip it or Buy it: Honestly, I'd say skip it unlike you are like me and you have a mental problem and must own every single NES game despite so so many of them being complete shit..

Monday, September 13, 2010

Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991?)


Here's a wild thing for every single person who's talking about LJN ever. LJN did not program a single video game. Yes, that's right every single LJN game was made by a different company. Companies including Pack In Video, Rare (yes your precious Battletoads makers worked for LJN) and the creators of this blog entries game, Softwork Creations, a honestly very mediocre company which made a few good games (Wolverine, Solstice & it's sequel Equinox, Tom & Jerry, and Plok for the SNES) While this isn't one of the better games,  it's not completely terrible.


Terminator 2: Judgment Day was a pretty good movie, and if you want your video game licesend games to be based completely on the movie (I personally don't really give a shit as long as the games fun. You could put the Terminator into a game where he has to beat up Unicorns and if it was good I'd like it.) You'll be in luck here. This game follows the plot of the movie pretty well, making levels out of some of the more iconic scenes (like the chase between the Terminator / John Connor on the bike & the T-1000 in that giant ass truck makes up level 2)


The graphics aren't too bad, in fact the only really problem I have with the graphics is that I feel Ahhnulld's sprite should be larger. Other than that everything else looks fine. The backgrounds look nice, the other enemy sprites look good enough. The sound is below Softwork Creations usual work. I mean seriously, say what you want about the Wolverine game (and most people have) but the music in it kicked some serious fucking ass (even if it was pretty strange sounding). The music here is just eh. Not very memorable or anything at all.


The game is also pretty challenging but beatable, although the fact that some of your punches wont hit for whatever reason will make the game harder, however no matter how quickly you beat the first four levels. I am absoultetly certain that you will pull out your hair and throw your NES at the wall and scream obsenties and be very angry at the last level, which has some of the most annoying fucking jumps IN ANY GAME EVER. You have to jump on moving platforms that are maybe close enough to jump too for about 1 second. It'll piss anyone off. However I'm sure after some practice you'll get it down and be able to beat up Robert Patrick and really who doesn't want to do that???

I guess in the end I had just enough fun with this game to go ahead and give it a passing grade, if I were to rate this game I'd probably give it a 6/10. It's not as good as the other Softwork Creations games I mentioned above, but man oh man is it better than the Spider Man and X-Men game they made. Holy shit that was a bad game. A very bad game.

Buy it or Skip it: If you can get it for less than 5 bucks I'd pick it up.

The Terminator (1992)


This is a very bad game based off of a very good movie. The Terminator came out in 1984 and it was a pretty big hit, so why the hell did it take them 8 years to make a game based off of it. That's right this game came out 8 years later. THE MOVIES SEQUEL HAD BEEN RELEASED BY THEN. why the hell did it take them 8 years to make this? why the hell did they even bother?? I honestly don't know because what Radical Entertainment (Mindscape only published it) made should have never been fucking released. 


I'll start off with a semi positive. The graphics aren't too bad. the backgrounds and all look decent, but your main characters just looks really bad to me, he looks goofy. KYLE REESE IS NOT FUCKING GOOFY LOOKIN YOU CUNTS. Theres also the sound which is very very very grating on the nerves making it nearly impossible to play this game.


Now the major flaw of this game. The flaw that completely ruins it, the fucking controls. This game controls are so god damn incredibly stiff that it's pretty much impossible to do anything with it.  There's also the enemies who seem to enjoy falling down holes instead of fighting you (seriously), the fact you have to make the jumps perfectly or you will fall off the platform (so many times i've got on the fucking platform just to fall through it. I KNOW I HIT THE FUCKING PLATFORM YOU PIECE OF SHIT GAME ARGH.

I honestly can't think of a good game based off any movie in the Terminator franchise, but I sure as hell know that this is the worst of the bunch. Theres like 1,500 things more fun to do than play this game. From watch tv to masturbate to just hit yourself in the head with a hammer. All of them more fun than this game.

Buy it or Skip it:  If someone gives you this game, punch them.

Friday, September 10, 2010

U.S. 1 (1983)

I first heard of this amazingly beautiful comic on a website where someone I knew from the NES Scene talked about it, he didn't give it a very positive review, but I knew it was something so out there and foolish that I had to get a copy of it and do that I did. I got this beautiful piece of literature for a quarter. One whole quarter! Find of the Century I must say! What comic am I talking about you might ask? It's none other than...

That's right. U.S. 1. #1. I mean really do I have to say anymore. It's a friggin trucker comic based off a short lived line of toys (at least according to the internet) WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR? I don't know about you but I think I could consider this the greatest comic book series (yes it was a series. It lasted for 12 issues) ever. And I haven't even gotten to the good stuff yet! Yes IT GETS BETTER.

Our beautiful story is brought to us by Affordable Al Milgrom (writer) Happy Herb Trimpe (artist), Mighty Mike Higgins (letters) Colorful Christie Scheele (colorist) Raspy Ralph Macciho (editor) and Jumpin Jim Shooter (Editor in Chief but credited as Big Smokey. Didn't I tell you this was awesome) also I just wanted to be like Stan "The Man" Lee with the alleration there...

Our issue is like every issue 1 of pretty much every comic book out there. They just tell the origin story of our hero! and what a story it is! It starts off with our hero Ulysses Solomon Archer (seriously what a name!) adopted father Poppa Wheelie telling us about his adopted son and how he came to become a hero. It just starts off talking about his early life and how his parents were killed in a car (or should i say truck...) wreck, then how his brother leaves to become a trucker (whos name is Jefferson Hercules Archer. I'm seriously going to change my name to Jefferson Hercules) U.S. becomes a god damn electrionics engineer and a degree in Computer Programming design. Damn we got ourselves a smart trucker. That's almost as rare as a sober irishman (yes I stole a joke from post season 9 simpsons, piss off) So one night, while trucking along with his brother. THE HIGHWAYMAN appears, and pushes them off the road. killing poor old Jefferson Hercules.

Now this is where it gets crazy as hell. U.S.'s skull was shattered and they completely remake it using a experimental metal alloy... and thats not everything. he even uses his superior knoweldge to fix up a truck to have a oil silk release, tire shredding shrapnel bombs, smoke screen and a damn ejection seat. I want a truck just like this now! and he created a lightweight robot drive system into the truck. WHICH IS SET OFF WITH A GOD DAMN SILVER DOLLAR. U.S. 1 is my god damn hero.

So he sets off on a trucking adventure to find the Highwayman, and finds him very soon after. Not much of an adventure you say? WELL EAT SHIT. They get into a crazy truck battle! In which U.S. 1 causes the Highwayman to end falling off the cliff, but you know hes not dead... after all he's the damn major villian of the series!

Well. I'd say U.S. 1 was totally worth the quarter, and if you can find it.


Color A Dinosaur (1993)

Color A Dinosaur. Yes, Color a goddamn Dinosaur. That's what I'm forcing myself to review today. A game made for kids. Kids under 7. I haven't been 6 in 19 years, so I'm that late on the party for this game here, but is it really that terrible??? Let's find out!

Personally, I think the graphics aren't too bad. I think the Dinosaurs look very nice and cartoony and would be e ntertaining for a kid. The music isn't too bad either. Where the game fails is that you are not having much fucking fun with it. I mean this game was probably at least 40 bucks when it came out, and you can easily get a coloring book for like $5 and probably have more fun coloring there.

Yeah, I know. This is probably my shortest review ever, but to be fair the game isn't the worst out there. It does what it was set out to do, which was let you color dinosaurs. It's just not very fun is all.

Buy it or Skip It: Skip it... It's really meant for people half your age (I'm assuming there are no 6 year old NES collectors) and it's not even that fun to begin with. If you really want to color something, just buy a damn coloring book.                                                                          

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Widget (1992)

Well a few days ago I revisited Mickey Mousecapade (still think it should be Mousecapades but whatever) and found out that I didn't hate it quite as much as I remember. So I figured why not revisit the other game I reviewed on my short stay as a member of NES Zone, Widget, and I found that yet again I over reacted and this games not too bad either.


Widget, for the thousands of people who do not know what it is, was some cartoon from the early 90s, which I've never seen, supposedly it was like Captain Planet & the Planeteers in that it was a preachy show about saving the earth and shit. (however Captain Planet is so lame its totally awesome) and they made a game based offa it, which made his six fans (including Groxx of NESPlayer) very happy....when they finally played it.... 10 years after it was released.... because really who was playing NES in 1992??


Let's start off with the positives, the graphics are pretty nice. The sound & music are well, agreeable. You probably wont remember these tunes after you turn the game off, but while it's on, they wont really bother you. Now for the negatives, the transformation thing is actually pretty neat (you get to transform into a bird, mouse, and some other shit) but it isn't perfect, one of the biggest flaws this game has is that you have to beat a level to get the power, and you have to beat the levels in a certain order, because there are parts of the game that cant be passed until you get the powerup, which frankly makes giving the player a choice between levels kinda silly. I would have made it so that you could pick from any of the characters starting at the beginning of the game. Another thing is that I feel Widget could have easily been made to go a bit faster.

Widget is actually a pretty decent little sidescroller, and I'm surprised I was so angry with it before. I guess I didnt realize those guns all over the levels would upgrade your gun. (yes, i'm a moron). I feel Widget is a pretty good post-1991 game and is worth picking up. I don't think this game will cost you more than $10 even though it is pretty obscure. Atlus (who according to the internet did program this game, must have just used  the alias Zodiac Entertainment for some reason, who cares in the end really?) made some pretty good NES games... and some shitty Golf game (I haven't played it actually but it's fucking Golf, the only good thing related to that terrible sport is the fine motion picture Caddyshack), so to end this rambling ending, pick up the damn game and give it a try even if you don't like it the damn thing won't kill ya.

Buy it or Skip it:  Buy it

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Mickey Mousecapade


Today I've decided to take another look at Mickey Mousecapade, A NES game based off the characters of Mickey and Minnie Mouse (and I'm not going to fucking tell you who they are. I'm pretty god damn sure I don't need to explain to anyone who the fuck Mickey Mouse is, If theres someone out there who doesnt know well they can just FUCK OFF). So if you remember back a while when I worked on NES Zone. Yeah, I'm pretty sure you'd have to be the jerk who got me kicked off the site to remember that I worked on the site, but I reviewed Mickey Mousecapade and some jerk who liked it got mad and got me kicked off the site. That bum. (also my grammar had to be fixed because strx is a bum who needs every word to be correct!)


 So I decided, why not, let's re-review Mickey Mousecapade and let's try to do a better job. Mickey Mousecapade was a game published by Capcom, BUT  It's not the first of the Capcom/Disney masterpieces, however a very good company, Hudson Soft, made this game which is a shame because the game honestly isn't very good, not even for its time. I mean this came out two years after SMB and a year after Adventure Island (which came out in Japan in 1986) two way better platformers.


So the plot to Mickey Mousecapade, is Mickey and Minnie have to save Alice from Alice in Wonderland.... I don't remember Mickey or Minnie ever doing anything with Alice... or even knowing of each others existance, but since Mickey is such a nice fellow he goes off to find her anyway. It's a simple plot which is only explained in the manual, which is pretty dumb but none of us ever played this shit for the plots and anyone who says otherwise is a god damn lying son of a bitch.

The graphics & music are pretty good for there time, I also really like the inclusion of other Disney characters, like the Crocodile from Peter Pan and the walking Brooms from Fantasia, of course I hope Minnie Mouse wasn't your favorite cartoon character because this game will make you HATE Minnie Mouse, who always follows you around, (but to be fair Minnie and Mickey were far from my favorite Disney characters anyway.) If Minnie falls into a hole, you will end up dying. which will probably cause you to get mad and shit, which is an annoying way to up the challenge of this game, which really wouldnt be too hard if it werent for it anyway.

Another problem this game has is length. I know none of the Disney games were very long and could be beaten quickly. Hell, I can beat Duck Tales in under 10 minutes, but at least all the levels of that game were of a certain lenght. Levels 2 and 4 of Mickey Mousecapade are two of the shortest levels in any NES game I have ever played, 4 IS just 5 screens. The last screen being the boss, and the other screens having just one or two enemies. Oddly enough the boss of this level is fucking hard as hell, hardest part of the game period, unless you find Minnie's star power and put her up there which makes him incredibly easy because Minnie is invincible, unless she falls into a fucking pit or some shit.

To be fair in the end, Mickey Mousecapade isn't THAT bad of a game, if you look past all the flaws it can be a small amount of fun, but really it totally is the weakest of all the Disney games on the NES. even those Educational titles starring Mickey were a bit more fun than this..

Buy it or Skip it: If you've played the hell out of the other Disney games (and if you haven't get on it) I guess this could be a worthy purchase at $2. I guess I did over-react for sake of comedy (which didnt really work) when I talked about this game on NES Zone. It's not terrible, but it's not exactly a great game, espcially when you compare this to the other Disney games or hell pretty much any other game Capcom or Hudson Soft made. so in other words, Buy it but don't expect much.