Friday, January 20, 2012

Metal Gear (1988)

Metal Gear for the NES is a tricky, tricky beast... I can remember this game way back in the GLORY DAYS OF THE NES SCENE (god I'm so fucking absolutely lame it hurts doesn't it?) and it was seen as a classic... years passed and people starting dissing and hating on the game... Weird.. personally, I can see where they are coming from but I still think the NES port of Metal Gear is a mighty fine game and is pretty fun to boot. Also I should point out that I have not played Metal Gear Solid and I don't really care too. At all. Ever. I'm a very weird person as the fact that pretty much 98% of games made after the DAYS OF THE SEGA GENESIS/SUPER NINTENDO... make me go to sleep... even classic games like Zelda OoT... I'm sure that SUPER CONTROVERSIAL OPINION would bother someone....if anyone actually read this shit.

Well, Uh.. I guess I should get back on track and realize we aren't talking about Zelda:OoT (which is a boring game, admit it. Zelda 2 is better. ADMIT THAT TOO!) I'll start off with the positives... the biggest draw of this game is being a spy is a really fucking cool idea, and I think they pulled it off pretty well here. You pretty much have to move around all stealth like and pick up items that will help you out in the later parts of the game. I also must admit that I think the plot to the NES version of this game is absouletely fucking hilarious. It's about a guy named Vermin Kataffy (GUESS WHO THEY ARE MAKING FUN OF HERE... IT'S VERY HARD TO FIGURE OUT... I SHOULD ALSO STOP USING THE CAPS LOCK KEY) The music is great, I think it fits the mood pretty easily... and the graphics are top notch for the time the game was made. Pretty much everything that should be right with a NES game is right with this one. It's only one big flaw that kinda keeps this game from reaching all time classic status...

And that flaw is the fact the in text game is so insanely poorly written that well, sometimes you have no god damn clue what to do next. It's like Castlevania 2 (another pretty good game admittedly) in that the text that is supposed to help you find your way around.....uh... DOESN'T... And the games world is pretty large so you can get lost pretty easily. Of course, I don't mind bothering the hell out of the many people I know on facebook with constant comments of WHERE THE HELL DO I GO NEXT IN METAL GEAR? Yeah yeah, I know A REAL MAN would have brute forced his way through the game but I'm a pussy. I ADMIT IT. Hell I DOWNLOADED THE DAMN RAINBOW BRITE MOVIE. That's how lame I am. Anyway, the fact you can get lost easily, really doesn't break this game. I don't know how much better the MSX2 versions in text game is either. Because I can't get an emulator of that working. At all. Of course I'm a complete chump who couldn't get anything working. God, why am I so mean to myself? Oh that's right, years of constant negativity towards me has made me think I really do suck... uh.. where was I again? This isn't therapy... It's supposed to be a damn game review.

Uh... anyway... what are my final thoughts on Metal Gear, in case you really don't want to read that large rambling wall of text I wrote (in which I wouldn't really blame you) I think Metal Gear is a worthy title to add to your NES collection, and despite the fact everyone working for Vermin Kataffy is a lunatic who tells you thinks like "I FELL ASLEEP" and sometimes you can easily get lost. It's still a kick ass game where you get to be a spy... I mean how many games do you get to be a spy in??? Okay fine... a lot... like the sequels to this game and Spy Vs. Spy.... so I'll rephrase that question... HOW MANY GAMES TO YOU GET TO BEAT Muammar Gaddafi IN... ??? that's right... NONE, except this one. So get this goddamn game. Or I will probably be sad. REAL DAMN SAD. and no one wants a weepy fat man around them...

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

RoboCop 3 (1993)

I'm pretty suer I've seen RoboCop 3... back when it came out on video (remember that?!? god I feel old) in 1993 (god that was almost 20 years ago. Damn) but my memory of such events is no longer with me... so who knows If I ever saw it or not. Anyway, public opinion of RoboCop 3 is not positive in the slightest... pretty much everyone who likes RoboCop thinks its the worst of the three... Maybe I should watch it and probably enjoy it to show the world that I truly do have the worst taste in motion pictures ever. I mean if I can enjoy Asylum of Terror than I can enjoy ANYTHING.

However we are not here to talk about movies today! We are here to discuss the NES game! Yes! RoboCop 3, like the previous two entries did infact get A NES game in the second last year of the NES's life. I do believe some of the BEST NES games were created in the last 4 years of the systems life, but RoboCop 3 is sure as hell not one of them. Now I'll start with the positives. The graphics are fine... although a bit drab, however I am glad they changed the sprite to make it look different than the previous game. RoboCop's sprite in the second game looked so incredibly derpy that it was funny. The music isn't really great but not terrible. It's pretty much the definition of passable. It won't make you go running out of your house screaming in abstract terror at how bad it is, but you won't be listening to it when you aren't playing the game.

To be fair, if it wasn't for this one problem, this game could be a tolerable, hell even fun little title. The problem I have with it is that the god damn jumping mechanics in this game are fucking horrendous. You seriously have to get to the edge of any platform to jump or you will fall and get the shit fucked right out of you. It's pretty god damn annoying which causes me to not want to play this game. Still I somehow beat this game because I have serious mental issues. That and I have nothing else better to do. Before I end out this review, I must say that this is a more enjoyable game than RoboCop 2... but if you honestly want a good RoboCop game, well I'd recommend the original game... which I did review a few months ago. Anyway, it feels good to be back talking about these games no one cares about... So expect to see more reviews in the upcoming days...

Monday, January 9, 2012


This is a PM I got from a guy I hate on a forum that's going away... and thanks to him I'm bringing back this blog out of spite. So I'll post some new review tomorrow. Probably of the NES game RoboCop 3 because I did cover the other ones (unless I did talk about that one too and I forgot, could easily have happened...) anyway, look forward to some SNAZZY NEW SHIT.