Thursday, September 8, 2011


That's right.

After almost three fucking months I've decided to come back to you!

I finally have an idea I think will be interesting. I shall finally review every Youtube reviewer. and those fellas at That Guy With The Glasses. So check back uh... soon to see what I think of these fools.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Monstrosity (1987)

Andy Milligan was a very interesting man. I seriously mean that. The dude had got to be a little out of his mind. I mean no one who was completely sane could create a movie like this. Monstrosity was created by a very weird individual... and I think that's why I liked it. I'm a very weird individual... and I would probably make a movie as batshit crazy as this one. Seriously, I gotta hand it to Mr. Milligan, he wrote, directed AND created the sets and costumes for all of his movies... too bad all of his movies are just too goddamn weird for most people. Thankfully, I'm not most people.

The movie starts off rather serious and sane... it's about a bunch of punks that go around doing punk things, like murder and rape. Anyway, they end up raping Mark's girlfriend, and later on kill her.. Which you know pisses Mark off (you know rightfully so) and well he and his friends create a Frankenstein like Monster named Frankie that they use to kill the punks. That doesn't sound too weird, in fact it sounds rather mundane, and it is (although still entertaining) the movie doesn't get balls to the walls weird until the last 30 minutes... and as much as I would like to tell you what happens. I just can't. It simply must be seen to be believed.

The movie isn't acted very well, or directed very well, but I didn't really expect it to be, however, the movie is very entertaining, mostly because of how weird it is. Anyway, I'd say give Monstrosity a shot, it's a pretty enjoyable piece of trashy fun. I give it two thumbs up, yeah, how do you like that ROGER EBERT, YOU JAWLESS FUCK.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

RoboCop (1988 / 1989)

Well, I did something earlier this week, something that no human being should do... I watched an Irate Gamer episode... yes, I watched a unfunny man flail his arms around and yell at old video games. Old video games that weren't even that bad, but I don't really care what games they trash as long as they are goddamn funny, and the Irate Gamer isn't goddamn funny (although I don't see how half of them were ever funny, Armake21 is about as funny as the Irate Gamer... but people loved Armake... Oh well, who really cares)

Anyway, it all ties into this review, The Irate Gamer's latest episode is about the 1989 (I think, I'm too lazy to boot up the game to find out) NES game RoboCop. RoboCop, for you that do not know is not only one of the coolest action films ever, it's also one of the smartest, AND IT'S GOT THE DAD FROM THAT 70S SHOW (which the Irate Gamer mentions and then makes stupid jokes about the rest of the cast... and they had nothing to do with the movie... or the game) Anyway, I don't fucking need to tell you about RoboCop. You already know about it, if you havent seen it. Stop reading this shit and go see it! Now!

RoboCop for the NES is actually a pretty decent game, made by Ocean... a company I think is actually worse than LJN and published by Data East, a very mediocre company who made games I truly hate like Karnov. I think I may hate Karnov more than Hitler hated jews. or more than the Tea Party hates Obama. And that's a goddamn lot. Anyway, let's get to the game. RoboCop does a lot of things right. It's got nice graphics, good music and sounds and controls well. Most people will harp on the fact you can't jump, but the game is made so you dont fucking need to Jump you dumb sons of bitches.

Anyway, this wasn't much of a review, was it? Anyway, I got some stuff ready to be posted in the upcoming days.. and I mean it too! Tomorrow will have an update! Not a good one though, but if you expected good things from this blog by now than you are truly truly stupid.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

The Galaxy Invader (1985)

I must say that I love the movies of Baltimore's Don Dohler. They were all ridiculously cheesy films, but for the most part you could tell everyone was having a lot of fun making these movies. Fiend, Nightbeast and The Alien Factor are three really enjoyable B-movies that you should check out if you like that kinda shit. I'm still glad I have a bunch of movies he's made to still check out but it's a shame he won't be making any more because of his death in 2006.

Today I will be looking at his fourth motion picture, the 1985 oscar winning classic The Galaxy Invader... and by oscar winning I mean shot on video movie nobody has given a shit about ever. Except weirdos like myself. Anyway this is to be fair, of the four movies I've seen by Donny, the weakest... which isn't too fair because the others are all a whole lot more entertaining. First, I'll start with the positives. I fucking love the character of Joe Montague, a redneck that sounds like Jimmy Stewart (well sometimes he does and sometimes he doesnt..) I doubt they were trying to make this character funny, but he ends up being a hoot. Everyone else in this movie except him and his pal Frank Custard, well, they kinda suck and aren't entertaining in the least. I also think the Monster is pretty cool, but Dohler always made cool monsters... and I wish it had a little more to do in the movie but it's still okay. I probably like him because for some reason he reminds me of Moss Man from He-Man.

There seems to be a lot of scenes that are totally useless and not very interesting. I'm going to be honest, while I kinda did like this movie, I have to say that it does drag in parts. A lot of parts, but the more amusing moments do make up for the slow lulls. At least that's what I believe. Anyway, in the end, The Galaxy Invader shouldn't be the first movie you see by Don Dohler, check out the other three I mentioned beforehand, if you liked them, than you should give this one a shot. It's not great, but I was still amused enough to write a semi-positive review of it.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Fuck You, Colonel Computron...

I really think people of the early 1980s thought that computers were a god damn gift from heaven that with them you could do fucking anything... and that's talking about computers from the early 1980s.. The ones that are so hilariously outdated 30 years later. Anyway, I'm discussing peoples weird thoughts about computers because I'm going to talk about Colonel Computron... the worst villain of the Flash. Ever.

The Flash has the greatest set of bad guys ever. Seriously, I love every single one of them. Except this loser. This weirdly drawn, uninteresting, ugly looking loser. I can't even blame the creator of this guy because he wrote some damn fine Flash stories... and created Rainbow Raider and the Eliminator... two rather enjoyable Flash villians... and those guys had personality... which is something this asshole lacks.

That's pretty much the only reason I can't stand this guy, he's fucking boring. That's it, give him some more personality and he could be an interesting character, but that's not going to happen now because they killed him off and I doubt any human being is clamoring for the return of Colonel Computron... and if you are, fuck you. Also it took about 6 or 7 years for them to reveal the identity of this guy... 7 years and only because they pretty much forgot about him. That's right. This guy was forgotten, which just goes to show how damn boring he really was. I can't stress how boring this guy was, so I will just mention it again. Colonel Computron was so boring that I forget what his actual powers are, all I know is that he was one of the three suspects a fat man, a fat woman, or a teen aged girl... and I don't care enough to look up to see who his real identity was, I'd rather save those 5 seconds searching wikipedia. and do something better with them. Like well, anything!

In short, fuck Colonel Computron... and I'm sorry you had to read this horrible thing.. I'll try to write something better next time.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Hell High (1989)

Well, here I am again with yet another update for the month of May. Yes, I know I should update this stupid blog more and I do plan on trying to do so, but I get lazy and forget about this thing for a few weeks and then come back with some piece of mediocre writing and that's being nice! Anyway today I have a fine little piece of 80s cheese for you, It's Hell High from 1989, starring a bunch of people you've never heard off. But it's still worth your time to watch!

If you were to go by the comments made by Internet Movie Database users, than this movie is the worst film ever! Seriously, some of the venom given to this movie would make you think it was directed by Adolf Hitler and not some guy who worked on the 1984 classic Up the Creek! (yeah I liked that movie, got a problem with that!?) anyway, I'm always amazed by what people consider the worst movie ever made. It's always usually a movie I can glean some enjoyment from. I dunno, maybe I have the terrible taste here and should be shunned from society, or maybe this movie really isn't that terrible.

The plot here is rather simple. It's about a teacher who as a little girl accidentally caused the deaths of two people. And as you can tell it kinda fucked her up really good, She ends up spending most of her time alone when not teaching. Anyway, she teaches a class that star our cast of teens. Who are complete god damn assholes. Shit, one of them attempts RAPE for crying out loud! And I think that's what made this move interesting, none of the characters are likable, yet the actors do an entertaining job of playing them. Anyway, the teacher ends up slapping the head of the gang and that causes him to want revenge, because he's a petty fucker.

And well, his revenge ends up costing him his life, because well, what they do ends up having her go coo coo for coco puffs... and she kills them all. That's it really. The death scenes aren't really that amazingly graphic, but I don't care too much for that really. I enjoyed this movie because the characters were entertaining, the pace was quick, and the acting was a bit better than usual. There were some stupid moments but fuck what goddamn 80s slasher movie didn't have moments that made you scratch your head? Here's the answer.... not a single god damn one.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle & Friends (1992)

"Well, it's time to tackle this beast" I thought to my self earlier today. The game I consider to be the worst licensed title on the NES, and then I replayed it, and while it's bad, it's not as bad as I remembered. While this review wont be as venomous and negative it could have been if I didn't replay this game, it's not going to be very positive either. It still has many many problems which should have been fixed before they put it out to stores.

Anyway, I'm sure you know of Jay Ward's famous creations, Rocky & Bullwinkle. I loved these guys as a kid and I would watch their show every single day I could. I remember getting up ass early on school days to watch this and other shows (it would cause me to fall asleep in class and get Mr. Kelly mad at me but I really didn't give no fucks. Which totally explains the terrible grammar and spelling I have, doesn't it?) Anyway, I had fond memories of these guys, and well, the game doesn't do them justice no how, no way.

First to be fair, I kinda like how they made the graphics cartoony... like the show, but couldn't they have done a better job? It was 1992 for fuck sake, seriously, look at Contra, Mike Tyson, and Mega Man. GAMES OLDER THAN THIS ONE WITH BETTER GRAPHICS? I don't usually harp on graphics because it's the fucking NES and they all look like shit in comparison to the new fancy shit, but these graphics just end up looking ugly. The show didn't have the greatest animation, but it sure didn't look as ugly as this shit. God damn you Radical Entertainment (I'm also finding out that it seems T*HQ was like LJN and they just published games and never made any, and I do think T*HQ is worse... yes, I SAID IT) Another thing is that, maybe it changes if you get farther in the game, I don't see any of the friends in the game. No Dudley Do Right. No Peabody and Sherman. None of them. I really think you could have made some neat levels and bosses and everything relating to the characters in this show, but nope, you get boring barren levels with a bunch of random bad guys thrown in every 10 or so feet, which you can easily fly over. Wooo. Exciting. And just to throw this out there, the Hit detection kinda sucks and you can get stuck in an enemy and get hit over and over. Now that's annoying.

Anyway, the game to be fair controls fine when you are playing as Bullwinkle, but when you are Rocky and you want to do his flying move, you go all over the fucking place and that's very annoying when you have to make small jumps on small platforms. It makes you want to break all of your Nintendo games and kill a small dog. And I don't think that's a good thing, but when you aren't flying, The game actually controls well. Weird huh? Also another complaint is that the bombs you get to throw don't work very well, and Bullwinkle's power which works really well makes you lose health and then get killed by one of those big fucking gangster assholes. God damn those fuckers.

Is this game worth owning? Not really. It may be an interesting conversation piece if you are like a number 1 Rocky and Bullwinkle fan, but if you owned this one, you'd have to buy the SNES version (which is even worse), the Genesis version (which I have never played) and the Game boy version (which I have also never played). I personally am a fan of the show and I just wish they left the characters alone, or got some good game company to develop the game. Like anyone besides god damn fucking Radical Entertainment.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1991)

As you may know, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes was a series of low budget B-grade horror comedies. They were to be completetly honest, only somewhat entertaining, with Return of the Killer Tomatoes being the best of the lot, still they are a semi-famous and popular series of films, making 4 entries into the series and in 1991, A cartoon series (which I have never seen a single episode of, unless my memory is lying to me.) and thanks to the cartoon series we get this not so good NES title.

Yes, there was an Attack of the Killer Tomatoes NES game, and it was on some other systems too, but I'm too lazy to check which ones and I don't really care. I have no idea if those systems had better versions or what not, but to be fair, you would have to try pretty hard to make a worse game than this. To start off I'll be fair. I kinda like the music and the graphics, they do their job and aren't eyesores to look at. The challenge is pretty fair, and if you are an experienced game player you could probably beat this in a day.

The problems this game has is well the jumping is really weird and takes a lot of time to get used too. You'll end up jumping the wrong way on bad guys A LOT in this game before you get used to the way its supposed to be done. And the other big problem is that this game isn't all that fun. It's just rather mundane. I wish they had done something more with this license. You just get 5 levels, 2 of them being boring ass levels you find in any other NES game. I dunno, I think you could have come up with some crazy levels for an attack of the Killer Tomatoes game, I mean the last 3 levels are a bit weird, but I dunno, I expected weirder. And for it to be a whole lot longer too.

Anyway, I don't really hate this game unlike most other people. I don't like it either. In fact this is the game I completely forget about and I'm always amazed that I own a copy of. It's pretty much one of the many NES games that you forget actually existed, and that's not a good thing. Also the fact they didn't add in the guy who constantly had the parachute on in this game is a god damn tragedy.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Evil (1978)

Holy hannah! I'm actually updating twice in one day. Well, twice in two days. Betcha all thought you'd see another update in August or something. Well, I guess you were all wrong! ALL THREE OF YOU! Anyway I decided to update again because well I just saw a rather entertaining horror film and decided to let you all know about it's glory! It's called The Evil (I'm sure you could tell from the title of the review...) and it was made in 1978 by a man named Gus Trikonis. I wish my name was Gus. It also stars Richard Crenna and the guy who played King Tut in the 1960s Batman tv series. And a bunch of other people who I don't care about and neither should you.

I'm not exactly the biggest fan of movies that take place in Haunted Houses... not to say that I dislike them. I did enjoy the House on Haunted Hill remake... (yes I said something positive about a remake... I should be tortured!) but they aren't really my first choice when it comes down to deciding what movie to watch ... I think it has something to do with how much I didn't like any of the Amityville Horror movies I saw (and I'm pretty sure I saw them all except for the second movie and the one about the clock...) and there were like 77,000 of them. Watching that many bad haunted house movies could sour a person on the whole idea of haunted house related fiction.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this movie. It's about a team of Doctors who go to this old house to fix it up... and it turns out to be haunted... BY SATAN HIMSELF... AHHH... but yeah, Richard Crenna (who does a fine job in this movie) plays an atheist who pretty much tries to make up any other reasoning for whats going on in the house... and well everyone gets knocked off one by one until it's only his wife and the ghost of the former owner of the house ready to beat the Devil!!! (who's played by King Tut! how cool is that!) Anyway, I liked this movie because it had some pretty good acting, a pretty good story, and unlike those goddamn Amityville Horror movies things actually happened in this movie. I don't know about anyone else, but I just remember being deathly bored by those movies. Also the characters are all really likeable and the pace never lets up..

You have a bunch of choices when it comes to this movie, you can pick up the old VHS copy OR get it on a DVD with the movie Twice Dead... I don't know how the quality of the DVD is but YOU GET TWICE DEAD... Totally worth it. Stop reading this stupid piece of garbage review that I shit out in twenty seconds and go watch this movie. Or don't I really can't say I care.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Double Dragon 3 (1991)

Well... It's time for another review of another game most people hate except for me, but first I must talk about Double Dragon, at least the original two games for a second... I think they are two of the BEST NES games on the system, and I think a lot of the dislike of this game comes from the fact that it's not even half as good as its predecessors. Not even 1/3 as good, but to be fair, it's up against two games that are damn perfect... and while it's not as good, and is a bit of a disappointment, I fail to see how Double Dragon 3 is a BAD game.

One thing I do like about this game is that it has some really good music. The music isn't as good as the first two games (especially part 2) but it still has some really good memorable tunes. I think I like the first level music the most. And the graphics are pretty good too, they are pretty much the same as Double Dragon 2's graphics. A few things I don't really like about this title is that it's ass blastingly hard. Like seriously hard, it can be beaten (and I've done it) but the fact you get one continue to get anywhere in it is crazy. I consider Princess Noiram (CAN YOU GUESS WHO SHE REALLY IS... HINT: IT'S MARION) and it will take you a lot of damn practice and effort to beat this game, but it can be done. You'll probably lose some hair from stress.

Also I don't like most of the bosses in this game, they aren't really hard except for the last two, and aren't half as interesting as bosses like Arnie or Abobo or Machine Gun Joe (that was the name of the second lass boss in the original game right? I love the way that guy looks!)... fuck it it may be petty, but this game loses a lot of points because it has no Abobo.. Maybe a petty reason but damnit this is my blog and this is my stupid review and I can be angry at a game for any dumb reason and if you don't think so you can go eat shit. A whole load of it. Also this game is a bit shorter than the others which I didn't really like. A few more levels coulda helped it a bit... oh well.

Anyway, Double Dragon 3 may be very short, and it may have a final boss that I thought was completely impossible (until I somehow beat her) but it does have some good music, good graphics and most of all, if you ask me, the game is pretty fun. It's not as good as the other Double Dragon games on the NES... which even includes Battletoads / Double Dragon: The Ultimate Team... but being the last in a series of very good games is nothing to be ashamed off. So I'd say that Double Dragon 3 is a very solid title and worthy of being in your collection.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Shot on Video Horror Movies PART 1!!!

Yes, it's another part 1 that will probably never be continued! Today I shall be looking at a few Shot on Video horror movies from the 1980s and 1990s. Shot on video movies were incredibly, incredibly, low budget made by people who had way too much free time, some were damn awesome, and some sucked shit out of a hippo's ass, just like every other type of film out there, and during the 1980s, they made so god damn many of these that I can't keep track of them. I seriously think that despite not having the larger budgets of studio movies, SOV films were still pretty enjoyable and have oodles of charm. So let's talk about a bunch of them today, some good and some well, not so good.

This is probably my favorite shot on video movie. Either this or it's sequel. It's just a balls to the walls crazy movie, filled with tons of silly gags and silly characters, however unlike the sequel this, at least from what I remember, TRIED to be a bit serious but either way the camp value of this movie is through the god damn roof. I love Howard & Eli. Also this movie was made because of something some lady said to Gary Cohen, the director, she was all like is this movie ok for my children? and Gary said it had tons of decapitations and shit in it, and she was like, but no nudity, and he said no, and well she rented it. I wish my mother was like that! Anyway, this movie is pretty neat, it's about a couple who move into a crazy hillbilly town and open up a video store. Seeing all those beautiful movies I used to rent (and want to rent) made me so happy. I want to be buried in that video store! Uh... okay... that's just a tad creepy there Mikey... anyway, it turns out that all the people in the town make snuff films... It's just a very silly, but entertaining little horror comedy.

Well, here we have the sequel to Video Violence.... the aptly titled Video Violence Part 2: When Renting is Not Enough... I don't know if thats supposed to be the tagline or part of the title, but I'm too lazy to change it, so thats the way it stays! Anyway, the sequel is more of a comedy than the original movie. A silly ass comedy that is still more amusing then the Big Bang Theory. OH SNAP, SON! Anyway, Howard and Eli, the guys from the first movie are back and for some reason or another own a tv station. That just shows snuff videos people make... don't really think too hard about that plot, because no one who starred in the damn movie cared either! And that's the way I like it! Plots are for girly men and wussies! Also I have no idea what else to say about this movie except that I was amused by it and felt that I didn't waste my 90 minutes, which is all I ask from a movie... so I'll just move on to the next movie.

This was the first SOV movie I ever rented! And I didn't finish watching it because I couldn't get over the fact it was so low budget... of course back then I didn't like Big Trouble in Little China or the original Sleepaway Camp, or many other movies that I think are the bomb-diggity now... so in other words, Little Mikey Lake was a dumbass and I want to punch him in his 15 year old face. That jerk. Anyway, I've recently rewatched this movie, or I should say, finally seen it all, and I don't know what my problem was, this movie won't make you into Captain I Love B-Movies or anything, but if you already like them, it is a serviceable hour and a half of entertainment. It's not great, but the acting is a bit better than you see in SOV movies, and it seems to be a bit more competent in the film making part of it all. Anyway, This movie is enjoyable, even if the plot, which is about a killer cult, has been done 1,000 times. And before I go on to the last movie I must tell you that no, this wasn't the first SOV horror movie, Boardinghouse and Sledgehammer and I'm sure 6,000 others were made before this one.. but if you enjoy your SOV shenanigans I think Blood Cult is a worthy addition to your collection.

This is one of the rarest VHS tapes out there, going for like 90 or so bucks on ebay... I'd check it out but really I don't care enough to do so... I just felt like writing shit, not checking out how much really bad movies like this one go for. I think a porno movie company made this movie, but again I don't care about this stupid movie enough to check if that information is true or not, anyway, Spine is the last movie I'm going to talk about in this stupid article, and if you couldnt tell from reading the above, I did not save the best for last, in fact so far I think this may be my least favorite SOV horror film. It's not entertaining, it's not interesting, it's not even well made in any sort. I could probably make a more entertaining, interesting, and better made movie than this, in fact, I'm sure I could. The plot is your usual slasher stuff that you've seen done better in about a 1,000 other movies. A bearded maniac hates women... blah blah... don't care... wish I had 80 mintues of my time doing something a lot better, like masturbating in my own feces or watching He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. Anything except watching this unenjoyably boring heap of crap.

Yeah, I think I might talk about a few more, so this article may actually get a sequel, unless I forget about it...

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Brain (1988)

Well I've ranted about how much I don't like NintendoAge in a terrible little opinion piece that you can see below, but I don't suggest you check it out, of course I don't suggest you read a single thing I write but that piece was really bad. Guess thats what happens when you decide to do things out of the blue! But to make up for it (or to try to make up for it) here is a review of a very entertaining B-Movie from the late 1980s, The Brain. Also because I don't care, this review has spoilers, so read at your own risk!!!

I don't know where I first heard of this movie, probably on the old Joblo forums, which I don't really post on any more (but sometimes will still visit, I try to post but it's not really the same anymore. I miss the old timers.) but I forget who first told me about this movie, so I ended up trying to find a copy, and I never did, mostly because my town kinda sucks for finding movies in, at least movies I'd want to watch, but thankfully to the internet I now have seen the Brain, and can easily say that it is a great B-Movie. It stars a giant killer Brain, Dr. Carl Hill from Re-Animator, who can over act anyone. EVER. If you don't believe me, check out the movie Syngenor, he's seriously the best part of that movie. By far. In this movie, he plays it cool as one of two aliens who want to take over the earth using mind control. They set by creating a TV show called Indepentant Thinking and The Brain pretty much takes over anyone who watches it's mind.

Now comes our hero, Jim Majelewski, who is played by Tom Bresnahan, who stared in movies like Mirror Mirror and Twice Dead... So in other words only movies I could ever give a shit about! Hoooray! Anyway, Jim is a likeable son of a gun who plays pranks on the Principal at his school once too often and gets himself into a whole heap of trouble! More trouble than he ever imagined! Yes, the only person who can stop Dr. Blakely, The Brain, and his fat assisstant (who did voices on Babar and X-Men cartoons. POINTLESS INFORMATION AHOY!) is a wise cracking prank pullin teenanger! Jim is actually a really likeable guy and his girlfriend (played by Cydny (way to misspell your own name idiot) Preston) is a cutie, who was in Prom Night 3 and did the voice of Princess Zelda on the old cartoons! I must say Jimmy got himself a winner!

What makes this movie enjoyable is the characters are incredibly entertaining, the pace never lets down for a moment, and it's got a killer giant Brain, so stop reading this terrible excuse for a review and go watch this movie you bastards!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Lone Ranger (1991)

In the early 1990s, Konami took a lot of chances with a bunch of licenses. I say chances because they took stuff like The Lone Ranger and ZEN Intergalactic Ninja and made them into video games. Very good video games, but video games none the less. I really don't think they made that much money on these games and that's a shame, but then again thats what you get for putting money into a license no kid gave a shit about. I'm pretty sure I've never seen anything related to Lone Ranger, hell this game came out almost 60 years after he was created! Anyone who wanted to play this game then was already too damn old to do so. Seriously. Still I'm glad it was created because we really did get a kick ass game out of it.

The plot is BUTCH CAVENDISH has killed your friends and kidnapped the preisdent! Oh shit! Yes, it's nothing spectacular but I've told you people my thoughts on plots in games. I don't give a shit about them. I didn't give a shit back when I was playing these games for the first time and I give even less of a shit now. I just want to get to the ass whoppin' and this game gives you that in spades. There are very cool modes of play in this game. Sidescrollers, top down perspective, and it even uses the zapper! The zapper! Oh how I love the P-Kang you make! You lovely gun you! You will be the only gun I will ever own because I am too much of a pussy to own a gun! But I have two of them! so you must count for something!

Anyway this game is pretty damn good honestly, it's a very well produced game from the men and women at Konami! Very good graphics for the time, nice and clean. The music is pretty good, my favorite is when your in the mazes. The music makes those goddamn mazes tolerable. That's right The Lone Ranger made a 3D Maze that didn't make me want to commit all kinds of horrible acts. Not to say the mazes were you know enjoyable, but the music that plays in them is nice and a lot better than the music that plays in Golgo 13 mazes. Plus they are easier and shorter. Still I don't like them because all 3D mazes are assholes. Another thing is that this game is fucking hard. I mean balls to the walls hard. It starts off hard and gets insanely hard near the end. Still I beat it, because I'm a goddamn man, son. A GOD DAMN MAN.

If you like the Lone Ranger, Konami, or good licensed NES games. I beleive you should give this game a shot. Also while searching google for images for this game I found someone made a rom hack called the Lone Rapist... and I don't know what to say to that... but I feel it makes for a good way to end this review.

The Gong Show Movie (1980)

I was born about a decade too late to be able to enjoy the Gong Show, and thanks to the fact that I've never seen it syndicated I can never tell if I would be able to enjoy it or not, but seeing as this terrible unfunny movie is just made up of shitty gong show sketches. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't enjoy the show. Anyway, I watched the movie because I haven't got anything better to do and I've been trying (and failing... story of my life!) to watch one thousand movies in a year. I'm at 89... yes... I am a colossal failure!

Anyway, I watch a lot of cheesy B-movies, So I figured why the hell not... so I got myself a copy of the Gong Show Movie and watched it. And it was pretty god damn bad. I can take horror movies shot on video and made in a goddamn week. I can take ninja movies cut into two different movies. I can easily take anything and get something out of it, BUT a goddamned unfunny comedy. They are painful. Like literally feel pain after I watch a comedy that isnt funny. That's why Meet the Spartans and those other movies will always be high on my list of the worst movie I've ever seen... and The Gong Show at least has two jokes, which makes it lower on the list. Also a appearance by Phil Hartman. That's always good times!

I usually tell people to check out a game even if I give it a bad reivew, but honestly I can't tell you to check out this movie because if you don't like a game you haven't really wasted any time with it. Maybe 5 minutes. This movie took 1 hour and 30 minutes away from me, that I will never get back. No matter how hard I try, unless I create a time machine, and someone dumb enough to watch the Gong Show Movie won't ever create a time machine.

The Prom Night Mega Review Thing!

Well I'm bored and you know what that means! I start talking about pointless shit on this horribly uninteresting blog of mine! And if you can remember by the very subtle hint I left in the last entry I did... VERY subtle....if you cant tell I'm dragging this bad joke out.. I'm still amazed over 6,000 people have read something I wrote. I guess it's true, once you put something out on the internet someone will read it. Uh, but yes. I mentioned how I was going to review the Prom Night movie series in my last article and well don't say I don't give you what I say I'm going to give you. my articles may be poorly written shit that you can read in under a minute, but when I say I'm doing something I do it. So lets get this shit over with.

It seems most people really like Prom Night as it's a movie that gets a lot of press and most people consider to be a slasher classic... but not me! You see this movie is incredibly boring to me. tedious. uninteresting. And I think the only good parts were Leslie Nielsen, Jamie Lee Curtis, THAT SEXY ASS I JERKED OFF TOO WHEN I WAS 14 and the hilariously terrible song Prom Night. That's it, other than those things this movie is a very boring and uninteresting movie with a plot that was done by about six hundred other movies. And where as I'm actually just reviewing this movies based on memory because I'm too lazy to watch them again and I really should think through what I'm going to do on this blog but if I did that it would be too much work but what I'm getting at is that I actually remember things from the other movies and not a single scene from this one. Nada! You'd think a supposed slasher classic would stay with you even years later! but I don't remember one iota except there was a scene where some lady pulled her pants down and made me the happiest teenager ever! I give that ass a good rating of 8 and this movie a terrible rating of 3. Also it's weird that I enjoyed Paul Lynch's Humongous more than this movie, yet I don't think Humongous is half as well liked as this movie is.

I really like Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II... It's one of the only horror movies my mom recommended to me! And she not a fan of them! Or maybe she told me it was good to get me to rent it so I could have seven movies and we could go home! I used to rent seven movies for seven days at good ol' Allan's video. Sigh, I miss the days of video. They were beautiful, not like these cold soulless dvds! Anyway, Hello Mary Lou is full of crazy going ons! And tons of nudity. And if I recall correctly I think Mary Lou was pretty amusing herself! And attractive too! I can't lie. I like my ladies! Anyway, this movie was a lot more supernatural than the original movie or the fourth one which was a neat idea to do, and if I remember correctly they had the movie be pretty serious at times even if it was a little comical. Anyway, I really shouldn't review movies based on memories, but It's too late now! Anyway, I remember really enjoying this movie and the next ones too!

If I had to choose a favorite of these movies It would certainly be this one as it just doesn't even attempt to be a serious movie. It just goes hog wild and does all kinds of insane crazy shit. I really am sure they intented this to be a horror/comedy, if they didn't then they have no idea how to make a horror movie! At all! But I'm sure it wasnt meant to be the least bit serious because hell they had a guy get killed with an Ice Cream cone! No! I'm not joking! This continues the Mary Lou story (and is the last chapter of that story) This movie brings me back to the time I found this giant video store with thousands of movies I wanted to see and I probably rented them all... before giving up and using torrents because I'm a cheap cheap bastard. Either way, uh.. This movie is a goddamned hoot and is one of my favorites. I recommend it highly!

Now it goes back to being a semi serious slasher film, I wish we could have had another crazy film starring Mary Lou, but I guess they wanted to make a movie that has very little to do with Proms. At least the others took place at Prom or at a high school. This movie has a crazed priest killing some people in the wilderness. Maybe I'm just stupid but that doesn't really sound like it fits into a series called Prom Night... but despite it all I actually enjoyed this movie. It gave me enough entertainment value to give it a recommendation. Maybe I'm just very easy to please, I have no clue, but I liked this movie. It's pretty much the same as every other slasher movie from the period, but fuck it, I like slasher movies from the late 80s and early 90s. This isn't the best of the lot, but I think it's worth a watch if you enjoy these movies!

Yes. I'm also going to review the remake! It's a part of the series! And uh... I know the internet will explode and make me want to cry to my mother but I didn't really hate it. Well the internet would explode if anyone bothered to post on my blog calling me a piece of garbage for liking whatever stupid garbage I defended. Let me like that stupid garbage in peace! Either way, this is a rather nondescript slasher film from 2008. It was PG-13, but it still had enough entertainment value to amuse me. I should also admit that when I was a child I would enjoy staring at my walls so I've always been easily entertained as long as the pace keeps up I ain't got no problem with any stupid movie I watch. I don't care about bad acting, plotholes, or lack of gore. I just want an hour and 30 minutes of entertainment, and this movie gave it to me... even though I don't remember anything from it. Hey, I said I was entertained, not that it became one of my all time favorite films. Anyway, if you put a gun to my head and told me to pick a movie... the original or the remake... I'd pick the remake... yeah... and thats probably the only time I'd do that, except in the case of the Blob, but everyone likes that remake! It's weird how people don't mind remakes of the past but get so angry over remakes in the present. Oh well, maybe I just need to start getting angry over movies. Or maybe not.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Comic Book Ads PART 2

You may remember that back in November I decided to post an article which was me posting images of some old comic book ads and talking about how goofy they were. Well! Here's part 2! Yes, I know, I'm running out of ideas already you say, well I say I had no goddamn ideas in the first place, So just shut the hell up and read this stupid garbage that I'm about to review.

Yes, yes I know Seanbaby has talked about every Hostess ad on his website, but seriously, anyone who talks about stupid comic ads anywhere HAS to talk about Hostess ads, It's in our contract and everything, so here I'm going to talk about Hostess Ads, which I personally love. Every single one of them was out and out crazy  And I love insanity. Also They were geninuenly good ads because whenever I read one I want to go buy some Hostess fruit pies (do they even make them anymore?) but that could be because I'm a fat man and being reminded of food at any time will make me want to have that food, either way I've mentioned the Hostess ads so I don't have to do it again.

Well Kingpin,  Bullseye and a random black man all tell us about the next ad. In which you would cut this ad out and send it to marvel and get a 7 bucks off when you buy 4 marvel comics, but I'm certain you already could tell that from reading the ad, I don't really have to tell you what you can plainly see, but I do it anyway. Also this is an ad I would see a lot of in those old comics, and not one person ever cut it out to send to the Kingpin, SO I GUESS THEY DID REFUSE YOUR OFFER, ya fat fuck. Also can anyone out there tell me who in the fuck that random black man is. I own too many comic books (seriously) and I don't think I've ever seen him before. Is he just some random black man they just drew in there or what? And why the hell is Bullseye holding a pie? Is he going to throw it at someone and kill them? This ad is just weird.

Our final ad for today is an ad talking about Marvel's old humor magazine Crazy. Crazy was in the same vien of old school Mad and Cracked....well I dunno about Cracked.... I have a feeling they were always very lame, but I still liked them as a child. I also loved Crazy as a child too, I only had 3 issues though, and I ended up losing those three issues. I don't know anything else about Marvel's magazines like Epic or the rest of the bunch but I know Crazy was a damn fine one. At least when I was 10. Either way, this is a pretty good ad because it uses one of the most fun supervillians ever, Batroc the Leaper. He's a guy who can jump real good and uh... I think thats it. Either way I just like his terrible french accent... and thats why I posted this ad.

Anyway, uh, I guess I'm done. I'll see you in a few so I can talk to you about something else that no one cares about. Maybe I'll talk about the Prom Night series of films. No one cares about them! No one!

Ringmaster and his CIRCUS OF CRIME!!

I'm sure the few people who I force to read my blog can tell that I haven't updated a lot recently. I've only done two reviews since the 16th and one of them was terrible. I don't try to write anything good (really this blog is just a way of killing time.) but I do try to at least churn out something tolerable, that Tiny Toons 2 review was almost as bad as my attempts to review that baseball game and Othello. It was really bad and you could tell I threw it together in 20 seconds just for the hell of it. The biggest reason I haven't been reviewing any NES shit or any video game shit (I've really been meaning to start reviewing games for other consoles too but never get around to it) is because I haven been playing any games. I don't really feel like it. Their will be times when I go into a drought of video game playing and not play games for a while. It doesn't really last too long or anything, but I don't feel like playing the good NES games so I can't really force myself to play some piece of shit like Back to the Future 2 and 3 (did anyone ever figure out how to play this game... I sure as hell haven't)

So I bring you fine people who read this blog (somehow I get a lot of visitors. I don't know why either. This isn't some comical self-deprecating humor here. I seriously don't get why you'd read this shit. I shouldn't have over 7,000 views.) a article on the comic book supervillian team known as the Circus of Crime (I've been meaning to write more comic articles too. And talk about B-movies. Maybe I'll get to that. too.)  The Circus of Crime is without a doubt the worst supervillian team in the history of comic books. No, I'm not joking there either. Everybody has fought them and kicked the ever loving shit out of them. The Hulk. The She Hulk. The Thing. Spider Man. Daredevil. even the goddamn Power Pack gave the Circus a beating. And Howard the Duck, yes a midget Duck with no superpowers beat the shit out these guys.

Despite the fact they are losers I still really like these guys for some reason. Mostly because of the Ringmasters neato outfit and totally awesome hat. Also did you know his real name is Maynard Tiboldt. That is without a doubt the worst name I have ever heard in a comic book. The worst. Congratuations on having a dumbass name. Also I like how they never give up, and willingly try to fight everyone in the Marvel Universe and still get the shit knocked out of them. Hell I could probably kick their ass, but they'd still try. That's determination. I respect that.

There was also a version of them that appeared in Marvel's Western titles but I never read them because except for Back to the Future 3, Blazing Saddles, and Jonah Hex, I don't particularly like Western related things. Maybe I'll get them if I find them cheap, but I'm not a real big fan of cowboys and shit.

Anyway, I gotta say I love every incarnation of this gang, and I really don't even know why, but Maynard, you may have one retarded ass name, but I still love ya.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Tiny Toon Adventures 2: Trouble in Wackyland (1992)


Tiny Toon Adventures 2: Trouble in Wackyland is to be completely honest, a rather disapointing game. The original game for the NES was a pretty fun little sidescroller, the games for the SNES and Genesis were also games I love a whole damn lot and played to fucking death as a kid (mostly because I loved the show) so when I found out there was another Tiny Toons game for the NES, I was goddamned exicited. So goddamned exiticied I was bouncing around the walls, which is why I was disapointed, because what I got wasn't a very good game at all.


The game is 6 or so levels long, and you can easily pick whatever level to go into that you want. This is where the game falls apart for me, you can easily just pick the same level over and over until you have the right amount of tickets to get into the Fun House (which is taken over by Montana Max for some reason or another) and there is nothing keeping you from playing the easiest level over and over instead of the harder and more annoying levels. And let me tell you thats how I beat this game, if I were making this game you'd have to play all the levels, but I'm no game maker man, I just play em, and review em for two people.... that I force to read the reviews. Also the games challenge is really wonky, some of the stages are really easy, where as some of the other stages are annoyingly hard, and as I mentioned above, when you want to beat a game and they make it so you can choose, would you choose the annoying ass stage? No, I knew it.


The game is pretty good otherwise, the music is great, the graphics are great, the game just isn't that much fun to play.... and I don't really feel like talking about it anymore. So my verdict is Just go get the original game, maybe pick this one up if you see it for less than $5. No more than that though.

Back to the Future (1989)

What do you say about a game you really don't like, but really honestly don't think it's as bad as people say? I dunno, but this review will show you how to not do it correctly! Ho ho ho! Back to the Future for the NES was made by Beam Software and released by LJN. Beam Software made a bunch of games no one cares about, in fact except for the Punisher, I seem to recall they made nothing but shitty shitty games. Ones worse then this one.) Anyway, you already know about the movie trilogy, unless you've been living in goddamned Siberia since 1963, so I'm not going to spend much time going over them. They were a trilogy of really neat sci-fi comedies about time travel. They stared Michael J. Fox. I'M SURE YOU'VE ALREADY SEEN THE DAMN THINGS SO GET OFF MY DAMN CASE. I review NES games no one cares about and sometimes bad movies no one cares about. I don't review the movies everyone already fucking cares about.


Okay, fake rage aside (don't look at me people seem to enjoy reading that, of course people also seem to enjoy watching Twilight movies, I don't get people is what I'm trying to get at here) Anyway, Back to the Future for the NES is a game based on the movies. One of the complaints I really don't like about Movie based games is that they don't follow the movie 100%. Jesus, people let them have some goddamn leeway on things like that. Batman is one of my favorite NES games, yet it DOES take liberties with the source material, but I'm sure I talked about that in my review of that game. Same thing with a lot of good movie based games.  What I'm trying to say is who gives a shit as long as the game is good.  The problem is this game really isn't that good. Not as awful as everyone on the internet says, but really people on the internet aren't to be trusted. PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET SUCK.


The graphics are uh, pretty bad to be honest. They all look really thrown together at the last moment to me. Really bland and uninteresting. The music I actually kinda like (and yes they did get some music from the movie, the music that plays throughout the entire game is The Power Of Love by Huey Lewis and the News sped up really fast. Also Johnny Be Good plays in one of the mini stages I can never ever get too, but I've said before none of that shit matters if the game play isn't good, and to be fair it really isn't. The levels are really just the same over and over which gets boring quickly. And I've never been able to beat the Bullies in the Malt Shoppe ever. And I'm no slouch when it comes to beating NES games. Shit I beat The Adventures of Bayou Billy! BAYOU BILLY!

I don't really hate this game as much as other people do, it's not a game that brings my piss to a boil, it's a game I really don't care about either way. You mention Conan or Dr. Jeckyll to me and I'll punch you in the liver. You mention Back to the Future to me, and I'll be like, yeah, wasn't that great of a game. I'd tell you to pass this title up.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Conan (1990)

I should first preface this review by saying that yes I do enjoy Robert E. Howard's Conan. Bobby may have been a troubled man but he did some fine work, admititly I've never read any of the original stories, only their adaptations through the 1970s Marvel comic series, but that series was awesome. And so was the movie, the original 1982 one, not the mediocre sequel (which was written by Gerry Conway and Roy Thomas...why did you do that guys??) I have no idea if this game was based around either of those movies or what, mostly because I can barely find any information about this game anywhere.


This game was published by Mindscape who if it werent for THQ and maybe Hi Tech, would get my vote for worst NES company. Sure they published Paperboy, but they didn't program it, and everything else they touched was not very good, I don't know what games they actually made by themselves, but I sure as hell know that except for the Paperboy game they didn't publish a single game that was worth owning. This game was made by System 3... and I have no idea who they are, and I've never played a single other game by them, which is something I'm very glad for. Yes, I, like every other person who played this steaming pile, am putting it on a list of worst games on the NES.


Yes, Conan, or Conan: The Mysteries of Time is quite honestly one of the worst games for our beloved system. Ugly, ugly graphics. Seriously, I can barely tell what any of this shit is supposed to be. This was 1990. Mario 3 was out. BLASTER MASTER was out. Shit, this looks like a game from 1984. No that's a goddamn insult to Clu Clu Land. THIS GAME LOOKS LIKE IT COULD BE PLAYED ON A COLECOVISION or some other shitty system people seem to jerk off over. Yeah, I just sassed the Colecovision. DEAL WITH IT. (I sure like my capital letters) The music is forgetable, really bland stuff that you won't remember seconds after you turn off the game, but I could easily forgive those factors if it wasn't for some of the worst controls in history. In this game you have to press up to jump, and that's not too bad, but Conan does this weird super jump that's really hard to get down correctly, and I sure as hell am not playing this garbage to get it down pat. I'll leave that to the one sad sack that actually likes this game (I'm sure they are out there somewhere)

I don't really know how to end this review, so I'm just going to say instead of spending the $10 for this semi-rare game I'd go buy some old Conan comics or maybe even the original movie starring Ahhhnuld, You get to see him cut off James Earl Jones's head! How cool is that?!?! Much cooler than this stupid game.

Super Mario Bros (1985)

You know, I don't really think any NES website ever actually covered this game... well except for NES Player... which is strange. I can't remember many SMB reviews from anyone ever. And I used to spend my days reading NES websites while watching Passions. Yes. I watched a soap opera, piss off. Uh.. but yes, back to SMB... what can you really say about SMB which was the first game a lot of people my age ever played. I mean I remember playing this game when I was like 3 years old and just smacking my head against the bricks and laughing. I was a weird weird child... but then again I'm a weird weird man so it all kinda fits right in.

Super Mario Bros. is a game that you know they took there time to make and everything as it shows. This is a damn classic. Every single person knows who Mario is. He in the late 80s he became more popular than Mickey FUCKING MOUSE. YES, but then again Mickey always kinda sucked. DONALD FOR LIFE YO. I don't really know what else to say about SMB. The graphics are great for its time (seriously compare this to Ikari Warriors which came out a year later and be amazed) The music is fucking iconic. Seriously, it's been stuck in a generations fucking head. Not a single person my age (well maybe some weirdo who never played video games) doesn't know the classic tunes from this game. And they hold up well too, still very catchy nice stuff, at least to me. The only flaw this game has is the challenge is uneven, the game doesn't get really hard until the end and then it gets a bit uneven. Level 8 is goddamn mean in parts. Still that doesn't ruin this classic title.


Super Mario Brothers is a classic and I'm sure if you are reading this you already own 5 or 6 copies of this game. I do own a copy of this game on both the SMB/DH and SMB/DH/WCM cart but I don't own the single cartridge, strange eh? This is a game that I've seen in a goddamn comic book store (No joke. I once found a copy of this game in a comic store) but yeah, everyone who has a NES has a copy of this game and if you dont you can just GET OFF MY SITE!!!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Jetsons: Cogswell's Caper (1992)

 I've mentioned my admitted distaste for things related to the Flintstones. In fact, the only thing I honestly like about the Flintstones was the NES games and the SNES game and the Genesis game. They actually put out good games related to not so good licenses. I never had the vitamins (too expensive for my cheap ass family) and I never liked the cereal all that much. I didn't like the tv show, and I never had any of the merchandise because I don't give a shit about Fred, or Wilma, or Betty, or Bam Bam, or Pebbles. I do like Barney though. He's a good man. Uh... Yeah, I should mention I feel the same exact way towards the Jetsons, I never liked them all that much either. I had some joke planned here but since I don't write any of these reviews in advance only when I decide "hey lets talk about some games no one cares about" and shit out a terrible review only Roth and DamienC read. At least I don't got jerks like Loogaroo reading my precious material! Either way I forgot the joke, but you don't need to worry your pretty little head about it, It wasn't a very good joke at all (but to be fair, every joke I've ever told is no good, so it would just fit in right at home)


Either way, I'm still glad they made the Jetsons because I'm a fan of this rather enjoyable NES game.  Taito published the game but the fine people who made S.C.A.T (yes yes, I know, piss off that joke got old in 2004) and Shadow of the Ninja made it. That's right Natsume. The company people only know about because of that somewhat entertaining series of games where you run a farm or some shit. They did other things people! Better things! That's right. I'm saying this game here based on a licence is a better game than your precious Harvest Moon. WHATYA GONNA DO ABOUT IT? HUH?  That's right. NOTHING! So bite me! Anyway, this game does everything right for the most part. The characters you all love (or if your a bitter asshole like myself, don't like at all. Except that sexy sexy Judy Jetson. I'd let her Orp my Eek any day! That's right I just made a refrence to that dumb song. PLEASE KILL ME NOW!) all appear. Even the characters from the movie and latter series from the 1980s that no one remembers or cares about. Natsume shoved every single fucking one of them in here. So I think they did a good job with that.


The graphics are pretty good, nice and bright, although I wish George's sprite was a bit better detailed, I mean I remember his sprite from the Flintstones game looking a whole lot nicer. Still I can't really complain. Also this game has some really nice music, nice and upbeat. Very memorable stuff. The game has some really nice interesting levels and bosses too. All the different planets George has to go to stop the nefarious Cogswell! That's another thing, this game has a semi-decent plot too. I mean I've rambled on about how I don't give a shit about plots but this game has one that isn't too bad, does a good job of getting you into the game and wanting to see the ending. AND the game is a fair challenge, each level gets harder and harder like it should. Only problem I have is that the controls are a little floaty at times, but other than that I don't really have many squabbles with this title.

The Jetsons: Cogswell's Caper is a proof that you don't have to use a good licence to make a good game. Now they need to dig deep into the Hannah Barbera vault and bring me a goddamn Wally Gator game. THAT'S RIGHT ASSHOLES. GET TO IT.

Top Gun (1987)

Despite my love of pretty much every stupid thing to come out of the 1980s (and there were a whole hell of a lot of stupid things to come out of that decade) I've never seen Tony Scott's Top Gun. Yet I've seen about 3,000 terrible movies also from the 1980s. I don't know why, I've never been interested in seeing it. Maybe it's the fact I don't like Tom Cruise or Val Kilmer (except Real Genius, Willow, and Top Secret were awesome. And I guess Rain Man was pretty good too). It just never caught my eye is all. I never felt the need to see it, yet I felt the need to watch Mongrel what I'm getting at is that don't really get mad at me because my taste in moving pictures kinda sucks, caring about what movies I watch is, I dunno, rather goddamn pathetic.

Despite the fact I've never seen the movie, I can still review this NES game. I don't need to like or watch a piece of film to tell you if the game that was based around it was good or not. I mean I've said I didn't like the Flintstones cartoon before but I did enjoy the NES games. I keep the game separate from the license and try to play it as I would do any other stupid NES game, what I'm trying to say is the licence doesn't matter, the game itself does. And to be fair this game well it sucks. But to be completely honest, I fucking hate every stupid flight sim game out there. The only one I could stand was Mig 29 becasue it wasn't just 100% flight sim shit. Flight sims are the worst type of game out there, EXCEPT for maybe those boring ass games about China that no one ever fucking played (and if you did you can go fuck yourself)

I've honestly found each and every one of these flight sim games to be incredibly boring and lifeless. I just can't get into a single one, save for Mig 29, which isn't that spectacular either but doesn't bore me into a coma like the rest. Top Gun is a bit different because when it isn't making me go to sleepsville, it's sending my fucking blood pressure through the goddamn roof. Seriously, I know people will complain about this review if they ever see it and say LOL HE JUST SAYING IT BECAUSE OF THE AVGN, THIS SHITTY GAME RULES!!!! no no it doesn't. It's really hard to land the plane, at least I've always had trouble with it. It's also really hard to refuel, at least I've had trouble with it. I'm not trying to be Captain Poopy, hell you fuckers already know I like a bunch of games he's reviewed and trashed, for crying out loud! This game is just ugly, annoying, boring and stupid. And I don't like it.

I don't really know why I bothered to review this title when everyone else has and trashed it (although some crazies out there seem to love it, of course some crazies out there like pretending to be Pokemon anime characters on facebook. It's a strange world and we all gotta live in it. I don't know where I'm going with this shit so I'm just going to end this travesty of a review right now!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Bomberman (1985/1987)

I've been dreading this review, but I might as well get it out of the way now. I haven't been dreading this review because I don't really know what to say about classic games because everyone has said everything you can possibly say about Mario or Zelda, no I've been dreading this review because I really do not get a single ounce of enjoyment out of the original Bomberman. That's right, I'm giving the original Bomberman a bad score. So if any of you Bomberman fanatics out there want to call me a worthless asshole cockbag then I guess you can easily just click on comments because I'm not stopping this review! the world must know that the first Bomberman title for the NES sucks a wet fart out of a dead dogs ass.


I say the original Bomberman because even though there were two games that came out before this one and both of them came out for a console that not a single person outside of Japan ever owned so I've never played them, and I don't really care to play them because the game I thought was the original Bomberman is honestly really bad. I don't like saying this. I LOVE Hudson Soft. I really like Bomberman II. I like Super Bomberman. I like Super Bomberman II. What I'm trying to say is that despite the fact I do not like this ugly ugly game I'm glad it was made because all of the sequels improved on this one so much. So very fucking much.


The biggest problem with this game is that I seriously don't find it fun, in fact I find it annoying and tedious, which isn't a very good combo at all. Seriously everything about this game lulls me into a deep sleep. The ugly graphics, the fact every level is the same, the fact it's incredibly simplistic, I know I've said I like incredibly simplistic games like Pac Man and Popeye and Donkey Kong, but this goes past simple and ends up going full retard. Oh ho ho, stealing lines from movies #1 Anyway, thats really it. I just find the original Bomberman to be a rather dull lifeless title and I don't believe anyone has beaten all 50 levels in this game without going insane, and the continue function doesnt fucking help either because the goddamn thing has like 7,600 fucking letters you have to remember in it. I don't think fucking people with a photographic memory could remember passwords in this stupid game.

I don't really know why this game bores me but it's sequel doesn't, maybe it's the fact the sequel has different levels, more enemies and changed everything. I do get enjoyment ouf ot Bomberman II and I plan to review it, just like every other stupid NES title, except the sports games, because every one of them except Baseball Stars would get a F grade from me, just like this stupid piece of shit. Fuck the original Bomberman, fuck it in its stupid fucking ass.