Monday, May 30, 2011

Fuck You, Colonel Computron...

I really think people of the early 1980s thought that computers were a god damn gift from heaven that with them you could do fucking anything... and that's talking about computers from the early 1980s.. The ones that are so hilariously outdated 30 years later. Anyway, I'm discussing peoples weird thoughts about computers because I'm going to talk about Colonel Computron... the worst villain of the Flash. Ever.

The Flash has the greatest set of bad guys ever. Seriously, I love every single one of them. Except this loser. This weirdly drawn, uninteresting, ugly looking loser. I can't even blame the creator of this guy because he wrote some damn fine Flash stories... and created Rainbow Raider and the Eliminator... two rather enjoyable Flash villians... and those guys had personality... which is something this asshole lacks.

That's pretty much the only reason I can't stand this guy, he's fucking boring. That's it, give him some more personality and he could be an interesting character, but that's not going to happen now because they killed him off and I doubt any human being is clamoring for the return of Colonel Computron... and if you are, fuck you. Also it took about 6 or 7 years for them to reveal the identity of this guy... 7 years and only because they pretty much forgot about him. That's right. This guy was forgotten, which just goes to show how damn boring he really was. I can't stress how boring this guy was, so I will just mention it again. Colonel Computron was so boring that I forget what his actual powers are, all I know is that he was one of the three suspects a fat man, a fat woman, or a teen aged girl... and I don't care enough to look up to see who his real identity was, I'd rather save those 5 seconds searching wikipedia. and do something better with them. Like well, anything!

In short, fuck Colonel Computron... and I'm sorry you had to read this horrible thing.. I'll try to write something better next time.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Hell High (1989)

Well, here I am again with yet another update for the month of May. Yes, I know I should update this stupid blog more and I do plan on trying to do so, but I get lazy and forget about this thing for a few weeks and then come back with some piece of mediocre writing and that's being nice! Anyway today I have a fine little piece of 80s cheese for you, It's Hell High from 1989, starring a bunch of people you've never heard off. But it's still worth your time to watch!

If you were to go by the comments made by Internet Movie Database users, than this movie is the worst film ever! Seriously, some of the venom given to this movie would make you think it was directed by Adolf Hitler and not some guy who worked on the 1984 classic Up the Creek! (yeah I liked that movie, got a problem with that!?) anyway, I'm always amazed by what people consider the worst movie ever made. It's always usually a movie I can glean some enjoyment from. I dunno, maybe I have the terrible taste here and should be shunned from society, or maybe this movie really isn't that terrible.

The plot here is rather simple. It's about a teacher who as a little girl accidentally caused the deaths of two people. And as you can tell it kinda fucked her up really good, She ends up spending most of her time alone when not teaching. Anyway, she teaches a class that star our cast of teens. Who are complete god damn assholes. Shit, one of them attempts RAPE for crying out loud! And I think that's what made this move interesting, none of the characters are likable, yet the actors do an entertaining job of playing them. Anyway, the teacher ends up slapping the head of the gang and that causes him to want revenge, because he's a petty fucker.

And well, his revenge ends up costing him his life, because well, what they do ends up having her go coo coo for coco puffs... and she kills them all. That's it really. The death scenes aren't really that amazingly graphic, but I don't care too much for that really. I enjoyed this movie because the characters were entertaining, the pace was quick, and the acting was a bit better than usual. There were some stupid moments but fuck what goddamn 80s slasher movie didn't have moments that made you scratch your head? Here's the answer.... not a single god damn one.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle & Friends (1992)

"Well, it's time to tackle this beast" I thought to my self earlier today. The game I consider to be the worst licensed title on the NES, and then I replayed it, and while it's bad, it's not as bad as I remembered. While this review wont be as venomous and negative it could have been if I didn't replay this game, it's not going to be very positive either. It still has many many problems which should have been fixed before they put it out to stores.

Anyway, I'm sure you know of Jay Ward's famous creations, Rocky & Bullwinkle. I loved these guys as a kid and I would watch their show every single day I could. I remember getting up ass early on school days to watch this and other shows (it would cause me to fall asleep in class and get Mr. Kelly mad at me but I really didn't give no fucks. Which totally explains the terrible grammar and spelling I have, doesn't it?) Anyway, I had fond memories of these guys, and well, the game doesn't do them justice no how, no way.

First to be fair, I kinda like how they made the graphics cartoony... like the show, but couldn't they have done a better job? It was 1992 for fuck sake, seriously, look at Contra, Mike Tyson, and Mega Man. GAMES OLDER THAN THIS ONE WITH BETTER GRAPHICS? I don't usually harp on graphics because it's the fucking NES and they all look like shit in comparison to the new fancy shit, but these graphics just end up looking ugly. The show didn't have the greatest animation, but it sure didn't look as ugly as this shit. God damn you Radical Entertainment (I'm also finding out that it seems T*HQ was like LJN and they just published games and never made any, and I do think T*HQ is worse... yes, I SAID IT) Another thing is that, maybe it changes if you get farther in the game, I don't see any of the friends in the game. No Dudley Do Right. No Peabody and Sherman. None of them. I really think you could have made some neat levels and bosses and everything relating to the characters in this show, but nope, you get boring barren levels with a bunch of random bad guys thrown in every 10 or so feet, which you can easily fly over. Wooo. Exciting. And just to throw this out there, the Hit detection kinda sucks and you can get stuck in an enemy and get hit over and over. Now that's annoying.

Anyway, the game to be fair controls fine when you are playing as Bullwinkle, but when you are Rocky and you want to do his flying move, you go all over the fucking place and that's very annoying when you have to make small jumps on small platforms. It makes you want to break all of your Nintendo games and kill a small dog. And I don't think that's a good thing, but when you aren't flying, The game actually controls well. Weird huh? Also another complaint is that the bombs you get to throw don't work very well, and Bullwinkle's power which works really well makes you lose health and then get killed by one of those big fucking gangster assholes. God damn those fuckers.

Is this game worth owning? Not really. It may be an interesting conversation piece if you are like a number 1 Rocky and Bullwinkle fan, but if you owned this one, you'd have to buy the SNES version (which is even worse), the Genesis version (which I have never played) and the Game boy version (which I have also never played). I personally am a fan of the show and I just wish they left the characters alone, or got some good game company to develop the game. Like anyone besides god damn fucking Radical Entertainment.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1991)

As you may know, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes was a series of low budget B-grade horror comedies. They were to be completetly honest, only somewhat entertaining, with Return of the Killer Tomatoes being the best of the lot, still they are a semi-famous and popular series of films, making 4 entries into the series and in 1991, A cartoon series (which I have never seen a single episode of, unless my memory is lying to me.) and thanks to the cartoon series we get this not so good NES title.

Yes, there was an Attack of the Killer Tomatoes NES game, and it was on some other systems too, but I'm too lazy to check which ones and I don't really care. I have no idea if those systems had better versions or what not, but to be fair, you would have to try pretty hard to make a worse game than this. To start off I'll be fair. I kinda like the music and the graphics, they do their job and aren't eyesores to look at. The challenge is pretty fair, and if you are an experienced game player you could probably beat this in a day.

The problems this game has is well the jumping is really weird and takes a lot of time to get used too. You'll end up jumping the wrong way on bad guys A LOT in this game before you get used to the way its supposed to be done. And the other big problem is that this game isn't all that fun. It's just rather mundane. I wish they had done something more with this license. You just get 5 levels, 2 of them being boring ass levels you find in any other NES game. I dunno, I think you could have come up with some crazy levels for an attack of the Killer Tomatoes game, I mean the last 3 levels are a bit weird, but I dunno, I expected weirder. And for it to be a whole lot longer too.

Anyway, I don't really hate this game unlike most other people. I don't like it either. In fact this is the game I completely forget about and I'm always amazed that I own a copy of. It's pretty much one of the many NES games that you forget actually existed, and that's not a good thing. Also the fact they didn't add in the guy who constantly had the parachute on in this game is a god damn tragedy.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Evil (1978)

Holy hannah! I'm actually updating twice in one day. Well, twice in two days. Betcha all thought you'd see another update in August or something. Well, I guess you were all wrong! ALL THREE OF YOU! Anyway I decided to update again because well I just saw a rather entertaining horror film and decided to let you all know about it's glory! It's called The Evil (I'm sure you could tell from the title of the review...) and it was made in 1978 by a man named Gus Trikonis. I wish my name was Gus. It also stars Richard Crenna and the guy who played King Tut in the 1960s Batman tv series. And a bunch of other people who I don't care about and neither should you.

I'm not exactly the biggest fan of movies that take place in Haunted Houses... not to say that I dislike them. I did enjoy the House on Haunted Hill remake... (yes I said something positive about a remake... I should be tortured!) but they aren't really my first choice when it comes down to deciding what movie to watch ... I think it has something to do with how much I didn't like any of the Amityville Horror movies I saw (and I'm pretty sure I saw them all except for the second movie and the one about the clock...) and there were like 77,000 of them. Watching that many bad haunted house movies could sour a person on the whole idea of haunted house related fiction.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this movie. It's about a team of Doctors who go to this old house to fix it up... and it turns out to be haunted... BY SATAN HIMSELF... AHHH... but yeah, Richard Crenna (who does a fine job in this movie) plays an atheist who pretty much tries to make up any other reasoning for whats going on in the house... and well everyone gets knocked off one by one until it's only his wife and the ghost of the former owner of the house ready to beat the Devil!!! (who's played by King Tut! how cool is that!) Anyway, I liked this movie because it had some pretty good acting, a pretty good story, and unlike those goddamn Amityville Horror movies things actually happened in this movie. I don't know about anyone else, but I just remember being deathly bored by those movies. Also the characters are all really likeable and the pace never lets up..

You have a bunch of choices when it comes to this movie, you can pick up the old VHS copy OR get it on a DVD with the movie Twice Dead... I don't know how the quality of the DVD is but YOU GET TWICE DEAD... Totally worth it. Stop reading this stupid piece of garbage review that I shit out in twenty seconds and go watch this movie. Or don't I really can't say I care.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Double Dragon 3 (1991)

Well... It's time for another review of another game most people hate except for me, but first I must talk about Double Dragon, at least the original two games for a second... I think they are two of the BEST NES games on the system, and I think a lot of the dislike of this game comes from the fact that it's not even half as good as its predecessors. Not even 1/3 as good, but to be fair, it's up against two games that are damn perfect... and while it's not as good, and is a bit of a disappointment, I fail to see how Double Dragon 3 is a BAD game.

One thing I do like about this game is that it has some really good music. The music isn't as good as the first two games (especially part 2) but it still has some really good memorable tunes. I think I like the first level music the most. And the graphics are pretty good too, they are pretty much the same as Double Dragon 2's graphics. A few things I don't really like about this title is that it's ass blastingly hard. Like seriously hard, it can be beaten (and I've done it) but the fact you get one continue to get anywhere in it is crazy. I consider Princess Noiram (CAN YOU GUESS WHO SHE REALLY IS... HINT: IT'S MARION) and it will take you a lot of damn practice and effort to beat this game, but it can be done. You'll probably lose some hair from stress.

Also I don't like most of the bosses in this game, they aren't really hard except for the last two, and aren't half as interesting as bosses like Arnie or Abobo or Machine Gun Joe (that was the name of the second lass boss in the original game right? I love the way that guy looks!)... fuck it it may be petty, but this game loses a lot of points because it has no Abobo.. Maybe a petty reason but damnit this is my blog and this is my stupid review and I can be angry at a game for any dumb reason and if you don't think so you can go eat shit. A whole load of it. Also this game is a bit shorter than the others which I didn't really like. A few more levels coulda helped it a bit... oh well.

Anyway, Double Dragon 3 may be very short, and it may have a final boss that I thought was completely impossible (until I somehow beat her) but it does have some good music, good graphics and most of all, if you ask me, the game is pretty fun. It's not as good as the other Double Dragon games on the NES... which even includes Battletoads / Double Dragon: The Ultimate Team... but being the last in a series of very good games is nothing to be ashamed off. So I'd say that Double Dragon 3 is a very solid title and worthy of being in your collection.