Friday, March 25, 2011

Tiny Toon Adventures 2: Trouble in Wackyland (1992)


Tiny Toon Adventures 2: Trouble in Wackyland is to be completely honest, a rather disapointing game. The original game for the NES was a pretty fun little sidescroller, the games for the SNES and Genesis were also games I love a whole damn lot and played to fucking death as a kid (mostly because I loved the show) so when I found out there was another Tiny Toons game for the NES, I was goddamned exicited. So goddamned exiticied I was bouncing around the walls, which is why I was disapointed, because what I got wasn't a very good game at all.


The game is 6 or so levels long, and you can easily pick whatever level to go into that you want. This is where the game falls apart for me, you can easily just pick the same level over and over until you have the right amount of tickets to get into the Fun House (which is taken over by Montana Max for some reason or another) and there is nothing keeping you from playing the easiest level over and over instead of the harder and more annoying levels. And let me tell you thats how I beat this game, if I were making this game you'd have to play all the levels, but I'm no game maker man, I just play em, and review em for two people.... that I force to read the reviews. Also the games challenge is really wonky, some of the stages are really easy, where as some of the other stages are annoyingly hard, and as I mentioned above, when you want to beat a game and they make it so you can choose, would you choose the annoying ass stage? No, I knew it.


The game is pretty good otherwise, the music is great, the graphics are great, the game just isn't that much fun to play.... and I don't really feel like talking about it anymore. So my verdict is Just go get the original game, maybe pick this one up if you see it for less than $5. No more than that though.

Back to the Future (1989)

What do you say about a game you really don't like, but really honestly don't think it's as bad as people say? I dunno, but this review will show you how to not do it correctly! Ho ho ho! Back to the Future for the NES was made by Beam Software and released by LJN. Beam Software made a bunch of games no one cares about, in fact except for the Punisher, I seem to recall they made nothing but shitty shitty games. Ones worse then this one.) Anyway, you already know about the movie trilogy, unless you've been living in goddamned Siberia since 1963, so I'm not going to spend much time going over them. They were a trilogy of really neat sci-fi comedies about time travel. They stared Michael J. Fox. I'M SURE YOU'VE ALREADY SEEN THE DAMN THINGS SO GET OFF MY DAMN CASE. I review NES games no one cares about and sometimes bad movies no one cares about. I don't review the movies everyone already fucking cares about.


Okay, fake rage aside (don't look at me people seem to enjoy reading that, of course people also seem to enjoy watching Twilight movies, I don't get people is what I'm trying to get at here) Anyway, Back to the Future for the NES is a game based on the movies. One of the complaints I really don't like about Movie based games is that they don't follow the movie 100%. Jesus, people let them have some goddamn leeway on things like that. Batman is one of my favorite NES games, yet it DOES take liberties with the source material, but I'm sure I talked about that in my review of that game. Same thing with a lot of good movie based games.  What I'm trying to say is who gives a shit as long as the game is good.  The problem is this game really isn't that good. Not as awful as everyone on the internet says, but really people on the internet aren't to be trusted. PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET SUCK.


The graphics are uh, pretty bad to be honest. They all look really thrown together at the last moment to me. Really bland and uninteresting. The music I actually kinda like (and yes they did get some music from the movie, the music that plays throughout the entire game is The Power Of Love by Huey Lewis and the News sped up really fast. Also Johnny Be Good plays in one of the mini stages I can never ever get too, but I've said before none of that shit matters if the game play isn't good, and to be fair it really isn't. The levels are really just the same over and over which gets boring quickly. And I've never been able to beat the Bullies in the Malt Shoppe ever. And I'm no slouch when it comes to beating NES games. Shit I beat The Adventures of Bayou Billy! BAYOU BILLY!

I don't really hate this game as much as other people do, it's not a game that brings my piss to a boil, it's a game I really don't care about either way. You mention Conan or Dr. Jeckyll to me and I'll punch you in the liver. You mention Back to the Future to me, and I'll be like, yeah, wasn't that great of a game. I'd tell you to pass this title up.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Conan (1990)

I should first preface this review by saying that yes I do enjoy Robert E. Howard's Conan. Bobby may have been a troubled man but he did some fine work, admititly I've never read any of the original stories, only their adaptations through the 1970s Marvel comic series, but that series was awesome. And so was the movie, the original 1982 one, not the mediocre sequel (which was written by Gerry Conway and Roy Thomas...why did you do that guys??) I have no idea if this game was based around either of those movies or what, mostly because I can barely find any information about this game anywhere.


This game was published by Mindscape who if it werent for THQ and maybe Hi Tech, would get my vote for worst NES company. Sure they published Paperboy, but they didn't program it, and everything else they touched was not very good, I don't know what games they actually made by themselves, but I sure as hell know that except for the Paperboy game they didn't publish a single game that was worth owning. This game was made by System 3... and I have no idea who they are, and I've never played a single other game by them, which is something I'm very glad for. Yes, I, like every other person who played this steaming pile, am putting it on a list of worst games on the NES.


Yes, Conan, or Conan: The Mysteries of Time is quite honestly one of the worst games for our beloved system. Ugly, ugly graphics. Seriously, I can barely tell what any of this shit is supposed to be. This was 1990. Mario 3 was out. BLASTER MASTER was out. Shit, this looks like a game from 1984. No that's a goddamn insult to Clu Clu Land. THIS GAME LOOKS LIKE IT COULD BE PLAYED ON A COLECOVISION or some other shitty system people seem to jerk off over. Yeah, I just sassed the Colecovision. DEAL WITH IT. (I sure like my capital letters) The music is forgetable, really bland stuff that you won't remember seconds after you turn off the game, but I could easily forgive those factors if it wasn't for some of the worst controls in history. In this game you have to press up to jump, and that's not too bad, but Conan does this weird super jump that's really hard to get down correctly, and I sure as hell am not playing this garbage to get it down pat. I'll leave that to the one sad sack that actually likes this game (I'm sure they are out there somewhere)

I don't really know how to end this review, so I'm just going to say instead of spending the $10 for this semi-rare game I'd go buy some old Conan comics or maybe even the original movie starring Ahhhnuld, You get to see him cut off James Earl Jones's head! How cool is that?!?! Much cooler than this stupid game.

Super Mario Bros (1985)

You know, I don't really think any NES website ever actually covered this game... well except for NES Player... which is strange. I can't remember many SMB reviews from anyone ever. And I used to spend my days reading NES websites while watching Passions. Yes. I watched a soap opera, piss off. Uh.. but yes, back to SMB... what can you really say about SMB which was the first game a lot of people my age ever played. I mean I remember playing this game when I was like 3 years old and just smacking my head against the bricks and laughing. I was a weird weird child... but then again I'm a weird weird man so it all kinda fits right in.

Super Mario Bros. is a game that you know they took there time to make and everything as it shows. This is a damn classic. Every single person knows who Mario is. He in the late 80s he became more popular than Mickey FUCKING MOUSE. YES, but then again Mickey always kinda sucked. DONALD FOR LIFE YO. I don't really know what else to say about SMB. The graphics are great for its time (seriously compare this to Ikari Warriors which came out a year later and be amazed) The music is fucking iconic. Seriously, it's been stuck in a generations fucking head. Not a single person my age (well maybe some weirdo who never played video games) doesn't know the classic tunes from this game. And they hold up well too, still very catchy nice stuff, at least to me. The only flaw this game has is the challenge is uneven, the game doesn't get really hard until the end and then it gets a bit uneven. Level 8 is goddamn mean in parts. Still that doesn't ruin this classic title.


Super Mario Brothers is a classic and I'm sure if you are reading this you already own 5 or 6 copies of this game. I do own a copy of this game on both the SMB/DH and SMB/DH/WCM cart but I don't own the single cartridge, strange eh? This is a game that I've seen in a goddamn comic book store (No joke. I once found a copy of this game in a comic store) but yeah, everyone who has a NES has a copy of this game and if you dont you can just GET OFF MY SITE!!!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Jetsons: Cogswell's Caper (1992)

 I've mentioned my admitted distaste for things related to the Flintstones. In fact, the only thing I honestly like about the Flintstones was the NES games and the SNES game and the Genesis game. They actually put out good games related to not so good licenses. I never had the vitamins (too expensive for my cheap ass family) and I never liked the cereal all that much. I didn't like the tv show, and I never had any of the merchandise because I don't give a shit about Fred, or Wilma, or Betty, or Bam Bam, or Pebbles. I do like Barney though. He's a good man. Uh... Yeah, I should mention I feel the same exact way towards the Jetsons, I never liked them all that much either. I had some joke planned here but since I don't write any of these reviews in advance only when I decide "hey lets talk about some games no one cares about" and shit out a terrible review only Roth and DamienC read. At least I don't got jerks like Loogaroo reading my precious material! Either way I forgot the joke, but you don't need to worry your pretty little head about it, It wasn't a very good joke at all (but to be fair, every joke I've ever told is no good, so it would just fit in right at home)


Either way, I'm still glad they made the Jetsons because I'm a fan of this rather enjoyable NES game.  Taito published the game but the fine people who made S.C.A.T (yes yes, I know, piss off that joke got old in 2004) and Shadow of the Ninja made it. That's right Natsume. The company people only know about because of that somewhat entertaining series of games where you run a farm or some shit. They did other things people! Better things! That's right. I'm saying this game here based on a licence is a better game than your precious Harvest Moon. WHATYA GONNA DO ABOUT IT? HUH?  That's right. NOTHING! So bite me! Anyway, this game does everything right for the most part. The characters you all love (or if your a bitter asshole like myself, don't like at all. Except that sexy sexy Judy Jetson. I'd let her Orp my Eek any day! That's right I just made a refrence to that dumb song. PLEASE KILL ME NOW!) all appear. Even the characters from the movie and latter series from the 1980s that no one remembers or cares about. Natsume shoved every single fucking one of them in here. So I think they did a good job with that.


The graphics are pretty good, nice and bright, although I wish George's sprite was a bit better detailed, I mean I remember his sprite from the Flintstones game looking a whole lot nicer. Still I can't really complain. Also this game has some really nice music, nice and upbeat. Very memorable stuff. The game has some really nice interesting levels and bosses too. All the different planets George has to go to stop the nefarious Cogswell! That's another thing, this game has a semi-decent plot too. I mean I've rambled on about how I don't give a shit about plots but this game has one that isn't too bad, does a good job of getting you into the game and wanting to see the ending. AND the game is a fair challenge, each level gets harder and harder like it should. Only problem I have is that the controls are a little floaty at times, but other than that I don't really have many squabbles with this title.

The Jetsons: Cogswell's Caper is a proof that you don't have to use a good licence to make a good game. Now they need to dig deep into the Hannah Barbera vault and bring me a goddamn Wally Gator game. THAT'S RIGHT ASSHOLES. GET TO IT.

Top Gun (1987)

Despite my love of pretty much every stupid thing to come out of the 1980s (and there were a whole hell of a lot of stupid things to come out of that decade) I've never seen Tony Scott's Top Gun. Yet I've seen about 3,000 terrible movies also from the 1980s. I don't know why, I've never been interested in seeing it. Maybe it's the fact I don't like Tom Cruise or Val Kilmer (except Real Genius, Willow, and Top Secret were awesome. And I guess Rain Man was pretty good too). It just never caught my eye is all. I never felt the need to see it, yet I felt the need to watch Mongrel what I'm getting at is that don't really get mad at me because my taste in moving pictures kinda sucks, caring about what movies I watch is, I dunno, rather goddamn pathetic.

Despite the fact I've never seen the movie, I can still review this NES game. I don't need to like or watch a piece of film to tell you if the game that was based around it was good or not. I mean I've said I didn't like the Flintstones cartoon before but I did enjoy the NES games. I keep the game separate from the license and try to play it as I would do any other stupid NES game, what I'm trying to say is the licence doesn't matter, the game itself does. And to be fair this game well it sucks. But to be completely honest, I fucking hate every stupid flight sim game out there. The only one I could stand was Mig 29 becasue it wasn't just 100% flight sim shit. Flight sims are the worst type of game out there, EXCEPT for maybe those boring ass games about China that no one ever fucking played (and if you did you can go fuck yourself)

I've honestly found each and every one of these flight sim games to be incredibly boring and lifeless. I just can't get into a single one, save for Mig 29, which isn't that spectacular either but doesn't bore me into a coma like the rest. Top Gun is a bit different because when it isn't making me go to sleepsville, it's sending my fucking blood pressure through the goddamn roof. Seriously, I know people will complain about this review if they ever see it and say LOL HE JUST SAYING IT BECAUSE OF THE AVGN, THIS SHITTY GAME RULES!!!! no no it doesn't. It's really hard to land the plane, at least I've always had trouble with it. It's also really hard to refuel, at least I've had trouble with it. I'm not trying to be Captain Poopy, hell you fuckers already know I like a bunch of games he's reviewed and trashed, for crying out loud! This game is just ugly, annoying, boring and stupid. And I don't like it.

I don't really know why I bothered to review this title when everyone else has and trashed it (although some crazies out there seem to love it, of course some crazies out there like pretending to be Pokemon anime characters on facebook. It's a strange world and we all gotta live in it. I don't know where I'm going with this shit so I'm just going to end this travesty of a review right now!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Bomberman (1985/1987)

I've been dreading this review, but I might as well get it out of the way now. I haven't been dreading this review because I don't really know what to say about classic games because everyone has said everything you can possibly say about Mario or Zelda, no I've been dreading this review because I really do not get a single ounce of enjoyment out of the original Bomberman. That's right, I'm giving the original Bomberman a bad score. So if any of you Bomberman fanatics out there want to call me a worthless asshole cockbag then I guess you can easily just click on comments because I'm not stopping this review! the world must know that the first Bomberman title for the NES sucks a wet fart out of a dead dogs ass.


I say the original Bomberman because even though there were two games that came out before this one and both of them came out for a console that not a single person outside of Japan ever owned so I've never played them, and I don't really care to play them because the game I thought was the original Bomberman is honestly really bad. I don't like saying this. I LOVE Hudson Soft. I really like Bomberman II. I like Super Bomberman. I like Super Bomberman II. What I'm trying to say is that despite the fact I do not like this ugly ugly game I'm glad it was made because all of the sequels improved on this one so much. So very fucking much.


The biggest problem with this game is that I seriously don't find it fun, in fact I find it annoying and tedious, which isn't a very good combo at all. Seriously everything about this game lulls me into a deep sleep. The ugly graphics, the fact every level is the same, the fact it's incredibly simplistic, I know I've said I like incredibly simplistic games like Pac Man and Popeye and Donkey Kong, but this goes past simple and ends up going full retard. Oh ho ho, stealing lines from movies #1 Anyway, thats really it. I just find the original Bomberman to be a rather dull lifeless title and I don't believe anyone has beaten all 50 levels in this game without going insane, and the continue function doesnt fucking help either because the goddamn thing has like 7,600 fucking letters you have to remember in it. I don't think fucking people with a photographic memory could remember passwords in this stupid game.

I don't really know why this game bores me but it's sequel doesn't, maybe it's the fact the sequel has different levels, more enemies and changed everything. I do get enjoyment ouf ot Bomberman II and I plan to review it, just like every other stupid NES title, except the sports games, because every one of them except Baseball Stars would get a F grade from me, just like this stupid piece of shit. Fuck the original Bomberman, fuck it in its stupid fucking ass.

The Three Stooges (1987)

I love the Three Stooges. I love Moe. I love Curly. I love Larry. I even love that wily goober Shemp. I do not love Curly Joe though. No one liked him, if you liked Curly Joe, well then fuck you and go to hell. Seriously. Jerk. Anyway, like everything that was even somewhat famous during the NES days, it got a NES game. Yes. The Three Stooges got a NES game. And oddly enough it's actually pretty awesome. At least I like it, Piss off. Anyway let's get this horrible pile of shit review over with! And I apologize in advance for putting the Three Stooges on my blog. SORRY FELLAS.


Anyway, The Three Stooges for the NES.... is NOT a platformer! yes... that's right... A game based around a license that isn't a platformer. I'm so glad I don't have to write the words "is a platformer" for this game... even though I just did right there. Anyway The Three Stooges is a game with a bunch of mini games, all of which I think are pretty fun, although some are better than others. I think this game boasts some pretty decent graphics for its age (which would be the late 1980s... I don't know when the NES port was released but the game itself dates back to 1987.) Anyway, this game actually has a decent plot for a licensed title, the Three Stooges have to save an orphange by collecting money, which was probably something those wily goofs did at one time, it's not like I've seen every fucking Three Stooges short out there.


Another added bonus is that most of the mini games DO come from shorts, which is a neat thing to make games out of. The Boxing game was a short, and so was the hospital one. I, again, don't know if every game was based around a short but I do know a good few were. The game honestly has pretty good music and sounds, although Curly's yell in the Oyster game would seriously wake the fucking dead. Seriously, I'm sure that sound chip is used by Satanists to wake the dead. Anyway, the best part of this game is that it controls pretty well I think. The only thing I can say that I don't like is the fact that it's pretty goddamned hard to get all the money to save the orphanage.

Anyway, I just feel this is a unique, neat, nice little title. Even if you don't like the Three Stooges it should be a fun game to own, and if you do like the Three Stooges, then even if you don't like the game you at least have a good conversation piece. Everyone loves Nintendo! Except jerks!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Contra Force (1992)

This is the first Contra game I'm reviewing AND the first game in a major series that I'm going to review. At least I think thats the case. I don't remember every stupid game I review, I throw this shit out in like 10 minutes for my three raving crazy fans. I don't get why they read this but hey, this is for them. A review of the Contra Force game. The Contra game most people do not like at all! Do I? YES. I like this stupid game. I really do, we will get to that later, but for now I think I should talk about this games history for a bit. This wasn't going to be a Contra game originally, it was originally going to be called Arc Hound in Japan, but Konami decided not to make the Japanese version and just call this a Contra game. And I'm glad they did because this game is fucking awesome and everyone who disagrees can eat my dick (I'm just joking here. Feel free to dislike whatever stupid shit you want too.. I'm just doing this to make this paragraph look bigger. Ain't I a stinker?)

I think I should start with the biggest flaw of this game. The flaw that some people think is a game breaking flaw. THE SLOWDOWN. yes, sometimes this game goes slower than humanly possibly so slow that you think your nintendo has broken and you have to open the ol' girl up and fix her. I never got why people called their cars girls or stuff like that, but to me if you can get past that flaw you get a pretty decent, enjoyable little action game. With great graphics and pretty good music and a decent challenge. This isn't has hard as either of the first two Contra games (to be fair, not as good either!)  The thing about this game that I love is the fact you can pick through four characters (and here's a hint to make the game easier, when one character loses a life just pick another! You get extra lives that way! NEATO EH!?) and frankly I fucking love it when games put in extra characters for you to play as AND it's even better when they aren't carbon copies of the other characters and have reasons to be in the game. I love SMB2 (probably my favorite of the Mario games), Little Samson, and Bucky O Hare so fucking much. I don't love this game as much as those games but I think it's a good little game.

I don't think this game is worth the going price thanks to Ebay/Nintendoage fuckers. Seriously, this game goes for like $40 now. Maybe I'm just a cheap fuck but there aren't many games worth that goddamn much. These games are old as fuck, they shouldn't be more than $5, but thanks to fuckers who think these games will be an investment (seriously thats what they call them?!) and pushes the price of them up higher and higher. These people just want these fucking games to say they have them. Not to play them. I may have a lot of games but I PLAY THE STUPID THINGS. Even shitty fucking Castleian. Or whateever that stupid title is, my point is, fuck NintendoAge and fuck them hard. In the goddamn asshole. WITH A RUSTY DILDO. I don't know how a dildo gets rusty but I hope they get fucked by one.

Felix the Cat (1992)

I think Felix the Cat has an intresting history. He was created about 92 years ago. Yes, that's right NINTEY TWO. That's pretty goddamn fucking old! Anyway, I find it interesting that no one really knows who created him, Pat Sullivan said he was the creator, but so did Otto Messmer... and it's been disputed even today! No one knows and I doubt anyone ever will really. Anyway, while I do find that interesting I've never really seen any of the original Felix cartoons or the 1950s/1960s one (which this game is based off) but I did watch all 31 episodes of The Twisted Tales of Felix the Cat when I was a youngster and enjoyed them a whole hell of a lot. So this rambling terrible paragraph was me saying I do have some fond memories of Felix the Cat.  The Wonderful WONDERFUL CAT.

Felix the Cat at least according to (I like the forums, but I've never been a fan of most of the writings on the main page... ) section the ROM PIT, is a terrible game. I really don't care what their opinions are because if you really think Felix the Cat or Panic Resturant or Tiny Toon Adventures are bad games you really need to go play Castle of Dragon or something. Seriously, there aren't a lack of games that really honestly suck so you don't need to fake get angry at games that honestly aren't that bad. AND the biggest problem with these reviews is they aren't funny. I could easily take someone being funny trashing any game, weither it be Super Mario Brothers or Zelda or even fucking Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde. That's why I don't really like the ROM Pit.


Felix the Cat is a pretty damn good little title. It's not going to knock your socks off but it will seriously be a game you will enjoy unless you are incredibly picky. Felix the Cat has some great graphics for the time. Everything looks like and stuff. The music is incredibly catchy. The game has a really neat gimmick involving transforming into Tanks or Airplanes with the help of Felix's magic bag which is one very neat gimmick. The only problem with Felix the Cat is that it is without a doubt the easiest NES game in existance. Yes, This game is so damn easy a new born babe could beat it. It's so easy my grandmother could beat it. (and she's dead!) It's so easy, Weird FUCKING Edsel beat it. If you can't beat this game you should just give up playing video games forever. No seriously. Anyway, the fact it's easy as fuck doesn't bother me. I still like the game a whole hell of a lot, but it may bother some people out there.

Anyway, I think Felix the Cat for the NES is a worthwhile addition to anyones collection. It's a simple, fun, easy little platformer. As I said it won't blow your socks off, but I'm sure it will give you a few hours of fun and in the end, isn't that worth $5? No you say? WELL FUCK YOU AND BUY THE GAME I FUCKING SAID SO YOU MISERABLE CUNT.