Sunday, October 31, 2010

The Halloween Series Spectacular PART 1!!!

Well, After seeing some very terrible horror movies recently (The Cold, Gore-Met The Zombie Chef From Hell, I Dismember Mama, The Clown Murders...) I decided to re watch the Halloween series for whatever reason. Maybe hoping to see that the movies aren't as bad as I remembered... I'm not talking about all the movies in the series just some of the latter ones. I then decided I didn't have anything else better to do so why not churn out a bunch of really bad mini-reviews of the movies. I'm doing mini-reviews because honestly, the entire Internet already has about six hundred websites dedicated to these movies and enough full length reviews of the movies to choke a goddamn horse. So mini reviews it is.

The original movie, made in 1978 took the world by storm. Made on a very very VERY small budget of like $320,000 and was filmed in 21 days and was the one I wanted to re watch the most. Mostly because I used to dislike this movie, and pretty much every other Halloween entry other than the second and third ones. However I can now see why this movie is a classic. It's probably one of the most suspensful movies ever. It doesn't really over do the buildup or suspense like other movies (you know like the Clown Murders) and does it just right. Even more importantly is that the characters are entertaining and likable, I mean who couldn't like Dr. Samuel Loomis! Speaking of which here's some pointless trivia you may already know about but John Carpenter first choice for the role was Peter Cushing. He turned it down. THEN John wanted Christopher Lee, who also turned it down. It went to Donny, and honestly as much as I do like Chris and Pete, I don't see anyone else in the role of Dr. Loomis other than Donny. He nailed that shit to the damn wall.
Still I do have problem with people who call this the first slasher film, as there were a bunch of slasher films before this. Maybe this movie really started up the genre, but it sure as hell wasn't the first. If you haven't seen it, I'd do so.

I really like Halloween II, and honestly I don't see why people hate it. It's a worthy sequel. One of the things I've always really liked about this movie is how they picked up RIGHT where the last movie ended (of course from what I hear both of these movies were supposed to be one big movie. I don't know if that's true or just Internet rumor) I mean, most horror sequels take place months or even years after the previous entry. This takes place seconds later. That's a really neat aspect. I also really like the hospital setting for the movie. It really makes sense as Laurie was pretty fucked up at the end of the original movie and would have to go to a hospital, but I've always thought hospitals were really damn scary. I've spent a lot of time in them and they can be really damn creepy places and I wish more horror movies would take place in them, the only other one I can think of is Hospital Massacre, which is another movie I'll take a look at some time soon. I remember that being a doozy of a motion picture. As for Halloween II, I don't have much to say other than this. Dana Carvey has a small part as a kid dressed up as Michael Myers who gets crushed between two cars and then the two cars blow up. Any movie that blows up Dana Carvey is a movie I can get behind.

I don't know  how the hell did my impatient, annoying smelly 15 year old ass sat through and LIKED this movie. I'm serious, this is a pretty slow moving movie at time and I was a pretty impatient fucker who needed movies to go at the speed of light, and I was kind of hesitant of watching this movie again, wondering if it would still hold up, would I still like it. Well I can say yes, I do like this weird ass movie. I also must say I loved John Carpenter's original idea for this series, that each one would be a different story. That's a very unique and interesting idea, a series of movies that had a different story told around Halloween. Too bad people had to complain WHERES MICHAEL MYERS!?!?!? WHERES MICHAEL MYERS?1?!?!?! and be buttholes about this movie which I would totally watch over any of the Halloween movies following this one. Yes, even 4. Which people seem to love as much as the original, but that's next. I said this movie was weird, which is so very true. It's got robots. A piece of Stonehenge. A crazy supervillian-esque plot. The bad guy from RoboCop (the old dude). Tom Atkins. I mean seriously how are those things not awesome as hell? The crazy supervillian-esque plot involves the bad guy from RoboCop using a piece of Stonehenge, and his robots to create a mass sacrifice of children on Halloween. He creates masks which include a piece of stonehenge which will somehow kill the kids. Causing bugs and shit to come out of their heads. Okay, thats a plot hole and one flaw in this movie. I wish they had explained why the hell the piece of stonehenge would kill the kids, but it doesn't ruin the fact that this movie is really pretty fun to watch, if only for the guy who plays the bad guy. He's so incredibly fun to watch, you can really tell he was really having fun with the role. Also those stylish robots were totally cool. Also if I somehow missed the explanation for the mask thing please tell me in the comments. Still a fun idea and I wish they would have gone with John Carpenter's original idea. Ah well, can't have everything eh?

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers is honestly an okay motion picture. I dunno, it really isn't as spooky or suspenseful as the original two movies or as fun as the third movie, or most other slasher films.  Seriously. I dunno, I can think of a fucking shitload of slasher films that were more entertaining than this movie. I can think a bunch of slasher sequels that were more entertaining than this. I guess I just can't get over the fact that Michael Myers and Dr. Loomis you know fucking blew up in part 2 and that just kind of annoys me. I don't even know why I can't look past that yet I can look past beyond everything in most other slasher films. I will have to admit the acting in this one was pretty good. Danielle Harris did a pretty good job for a 11 year old kid. The girl who played her older sister was pretty good also, and even though HE SHOULD BE GODDAMN CHARCOAL Donald Pleaseance is still fun as hell to watch as Dr. Loomis. He is seriously the best part of these latter sequels. I dunno, it's an entertaining enough motion picture but it really doesn't do that much for me.

I'm ending it here, because honestly, I'm kinda tired from all the typing I've done in the last twenty or so minutes. I won't have Part 2 up tomorrow or I should say later today because I actually have better things to do than watch movies I fucking hate. So if this review wasn't amusing enough for you because I didn't get angry enough (to be fair I don't think my reviews are funny period, but somehow people seem to like it when I get mad). You should like my next review, as I really do not like the latter sequels and I don't see that changing. Maybe it will, and maybe monkeys will grow wings and start flying. I think the latter will happen first.

The Clown Murders (1976)

I mentioned in another review on my blog, that when I was a teenanger, I would pretty much spend my time renting horror movies from the local video stores, I must add to that point now. It wasn't just horror movies I loved, I also rented pretty much every teen related comedy made in the 80s, along with every movie starring any famous comedian from the 1980s. Everyone from Chevy Chase to John Candy, who is strangely enough a part of the movie we are going to review tonight.

I chose this movie mostly for two reasons. 1) I wanted to review a horror movie on October 31st, and 2) I wanted to celebrate what would have been John Candy's 60th birthday. Yes, John Candy was born on October 31st, 1950. I don't know about you but that was probably the best birthday ever. He would go out and trick or treating and then get cake afterwords. I'll refrain from a terrible joke about his weight right here, because god damnit I really respect that guy. The Clown Murders was John's second big role actually and one of the few roles where he wasn't doing something comedic. He was pretty much dead serious in this movie... and did actually a good job, and was probably the only thing interesting about this goddamn heap of shit.

Yes, that's right. The Clown Murders is a bad movie. But to be fair to John Candy, he was no stranger to bad movies. 1941. Volunteers. Speed Zone. Canadian Bacon and Wagon's East were all pretty bad motion pictures (but to be fair he was the only good part about Wagon's East...) To be fair, this isn't a badly produced movie or a badly acted one. The reason I don't like this movie is because it's not very interesting. For example, I'll mention the slasher film Unhinged, that movie wasn't exactly a fast paced movie. It was a slow unsettling movie. With interesting characters. The rich jackoffs in this movie aren't interesting, they are stupid rich jackoffs. Except oddly enough, John Candy. He was the only guy I actually kinda cared about.

The plot is, I guess, okay. This guy comes back to town to find out his ex-girlfriend has gotten married to some jerkoff who was in the movie Rituals (which was actually a pretty good movie, I figure you should check it out. Oddly enough the guy is a jerk in that movie too!) and wants to sell the farm she lived on before getting married, and the guy wants to build more apartments. The random guy whos name I forgotten doesn't want this to happen so he faux-kidnaps his girlfriend (with the help of John Candy and the other guys.) Also you may be wondering how the hell is this a horror movie? Where's the killer? The killer pops in near the end of the movie like he was some kind of afterthought. I guess this movie does bring me back to the good ol' days of renting every single movie I could find that was in any way horror, in fact I remember renting this movie. I didn't even finish watching it, I still do agree with my 15 year old self that this movie was boring as shit and not really worth your time. Hell, I remember liking the movie Spookies more, and that movie was a complete mess. The damn thing was two movies cut into one, but that's a movie for another time, and at least it was interesting.. Something this movie isn't.

To end on a more positive note, I hope everyone has a nice, safe and enjoyable Halloween, and that if John Candy is somehow reading this from some other plane of existence (and I hope he isn't wasting his time reading this. I mean he could probably do a lot better)  I want to wish him a happy 60th birthday and thank him for all the laughs he gave me over the years. Thanks you lovable scamp you!

P.S. The voice actor for Cyril Sneer in the Raccoons has a small part in this movie... so there's another reason to watch this movie I suppose... I mean I'm sure there is at least one person out there who liked The Raccoons..

Monday, October 25, 2010

Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse

Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse is probably my favorite Castlevania game. It is definitely my favorite Castlevania game released on the NES. I really feel this game is pretty much flawless, and I really don't have much to say that hasn't been said before by people who do this for a living (and in turn end up writing much better stuff then I do) Castlevania III goes back to the platforming aspects of the original but adds so much more to the game play.

The two things Konami added to this game really made it a great game, the two things were the ability to choose your own path and the ability to play as 3 DIFFERENT CHARACTERS besides Trevor (not Simon, because this game is a prequel, which is another thing you didn't see too much of back then) The three characters are in my opinion all pretty good. They all have different strenghts and weaknesses. Still Alucard (CAN YOU GUESS WHO HIS DAD IS?) is the best. Still Grant DeNasty (who has one of the best goddamn names ever) is no slouch. He can climb on walls and fucking change his jump in mid air, which is something no one else can do. Syfa is probably the worst, but her magic is still pretty good. Also who you pick determines what ending you get. That's right 3 endings!

EVERYTHING else in this game is great. the level design is nice and spooky. The bosses are varied and pretty challenging (except that one bat whos so goddamn easy). The graphics are pretty damn good, really pushing the NES to the limits and the music is fantastic. some of the best music on the NES and according to the internet, the Famicom Disk System even has better music due to some chip or something. Amazing. Also I almost wrote Dick instead of Disk, I thought that was funny and I should mention it. Yes, I am a 12 year old boy. The challenge is pretty fair if you ask me, even though I've owned a copy of this game for years I still havent beaten it. The only problem I feel this game has is the fact the character moves a bit too slow, but thats a minor flaw all NES Castlevanias share.

I'm going to say that if you don't own the Castlevanias yet, you need to get off your lazy ass and buy them. I don't care if you buy them from eBay or some random game store. Hell I don't even care if you steal the fucking things. Just get the goddamn games. And while your at it, get Super Castlevania IV too.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Spider-Woman #33 (1980)

I'm going to be quite honest here, you know there hasn't been a review in a game in about 3 days now and I usually update regularly. I tried my hardest to keep October a month for Halloween-based games, but to be honest, I'm not totally up to talking about those games. I'll try to do some more but for right now I'm taking a short break to talk about yet another comic book. Today's comic Spider Woman #33, from 1980, which is totally the greatest issue they wrote for her original series, but to be fair, most of them were kinda lame and not really worth the dollar I paid for them, and if I wasn't an insane man who had to own every issue of a series once he gets just one I would probably get rid of most of them. Not really the worst stories ever told in a comic book format, but not really most of the memorable ones.

Spider Woman herself was actually a pretty decent character. At least the original Jessica Drew was, I have no idea what to say about the three following Spider Women, Julia Carpenter, and Mattie Franklin, along with some other woman who was a villain. The biggest problem was most of the plots were forgettable and honestly most of her villains were laughable, and not in the amusing kinda way, but that's not the case with today's villain, who has to be the craziest god damn villain anyone ever made. Or at least in the top ten. I'm not going to deny the fact he's fucking lame, but god damn his lameness is what makes him memorable. I am, of course, speaking about Turner D. Century!


Turner D. Century is a crazy ass motherfucker who was a chauffeur's son named Clifford F. Michaels. His parents end up dying and he's taken in by this old guy who looks like a potato. The guy, Morgan McNeil Hardy was a crazy son of a bitch who hated the present day and wanted it to be like the Turn of the Century (which is where Turner got his name if you can't fucking tell). Turner D. Century had no superpowers but he did have a umbrella that shot flames and a flying Tandem bicycle (on the back of the bicycle rode a dummy dressed up as a woman from the World War I era. I told you this guy was crazy!) So Turner D. Century's plan is to destroy young people and their culture, and he does this by blowing the shit out of everything and being a racist jerk!

This isn't much of a issue review to be serious but the issue itself is pretty routine, this post is really just a tribute to the greatest lame supervillain ever. I love you Turner D. Century!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Castlevania II: Simon's Quest (1988)

I've always found it amusing how Castlevania II, Super Mario Bros. 2, and Zelda 2 were all incredibly different from their original games and how people hated them for it. A LOT of people hate this game and I hate to break it to the internet retro gaming community, but it's not because James Rolfe used his brainwashing powers to make people hate it (I'm sure people hate it just because he does but those people are fucking morons anyway and you shouldn't blame James for that really) this game has been disliked even before he came on the scene. Seriously, I've been talking about this goofy ass games for about 12 years and people have always either hated or loved those three games. Personally I'm in the love category.

Castlevania II of those three games is probably the one that's the most different. Zelda 2 kept most of the same stuff except it had platforming segments instead of the usual shit. And I'm not repeating the story about Super Mario Bros 2 because I'm already fucking sure you know why that game is so different from the others. CastleVania II is the most different because It adds in RPG elements and makes the game an action-adventure game instead of a platformer. I really like the fact they added the RPG elements in, like getting a certain amount of hearts will increase your maximum health, and you can buy stuff from people. Although the RPG elements could have been done better but I'll get into that later. The game still boasts some great graphics, music, and is a fun challenge. Also I should mention it here, this game has 3 ENDINGS. That wasn't very common back in the NES days, so I think its worth mentioning that here. I've only been able to get one of the three endings too (The worst one to boot!)


Now you know how you get to talk to people in RPGs, and they give you hints to where to go to next, well this game kinda fucks that up, seeing as most of the people don't know fucking shit, which can be a pain because you can get lost easily, but I don't really see that as a game ruining flaw. Also I like the Night and Day aspect, monsters really would be more powerful at night and stuff, although it is kinda weird how towns get overrun by zombies, you think the townsfolk would do something about that. I guess not.

I think CastleVania 2 is actually a better game than the original. I think the original is probably the worst of the 3 games for the NES. Also I like how everyone creams themselves over Symphony of the Night (which this may shock you, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED. And I probably won't ever play) and the new DS and GBA Castlevania games, which would have probably never come out if they didn't make CastleVania 2. Seriously thats where the MetroidVania series of games started. So show some damn respect, you punks.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

8 Eyes (1988 / 1990)

Now this is more my speed. A game most people haven't heard of, and the ones that have heard of it do not really like it that much. Although there are some lunatics out there who somehow like 8 Eyes for the NES (I think you can already tell how I feel about this game) This is a doozy of a game though, so at least I'll have something to talk about instead of dedicating it to some random dead actor and blasting people who use IE. They were probably old people who didn't know any better! at least I hope they were. I don't want anyone under the age of 30 using that shit


This game was made by Thinking Rabbit who I have never heard of until now, and its not a good indication. Seta had something to do with this game but I'm not quite sure what, but that's not a good thing either, seeing as Seta created the Adventures of Tom Sawyer which is a goddamn stupid game. Along with other goddamn stupid games like Castle of Dragon. I mean that not even proper grammar (which is very rich coming from me I know but still) and published in North America by Taxan, a very uneven company with some damn good games and some fucking hideous ones. And yes that is a fucking apostrophe in Eyes. And yes it does appear in the NES version. I don't even know.


Most people hate this game because it's a ripoff of Castlevania. Really I don't care about that and it does have some similiarities to Castlevania. There were a bunch of Mega Man-esque games like Totally Rad but that was a good game because it was fun. This isn't a bad game because its similar to another its a bad game because its fucking broken. The controls are very very bad. The guy jumps very weirdly and its very goddamn annoying. Another fucking problem is the very short sword you have meaning you have to get right in and attack the guys who will rip your shit apart very quickly. (you get other weapons like in Castlevania but I've never been able to use them correctly because the controls are shitty) I think the reason the controls are not very good is because they tried to make it so you could control two characters at once, which is a neat idea but doesn't work (and yes this game has a two player mode)

The thing is, this game has a neat atmosphere, a decent enough plot (which I had to read on the internet because it doesnt show in game, maybe it was in the manual or something) I mean it takes place in a post apocalyptic waste land and I love that kinda setting. It has some pretty nice graphics for the time, and the music isn't bad either, but the thing is all those things don't mean shit because I CAN'T CONTROL THIS PILE OF SHIT AT ALL.

I should also mention that the two player mode is supposedly very fun, but the thing is, my best goddamn friend is a fucking dog and most of the people I kinda sorta almost know would probably never talk to me again if I made them play this. Also I don't know what Craig Lionel Nowicki thinks but this really does work for a Halloween based game. It's got skeletons and shit in it and really that's good enough for me. This review may be pretty bad but Nowicki gets underlined by the spell checker which is really funny to me, they don't like your last name Craig, HAHAHAHA.

CastleVania (1986)

First of all, this review is dedicated to Tom Bosley, who passed away today. I don't even know why I'm dedicating this review to him because I didn't really watch much Happy Days... and I never saw one episode of David the Gnome, but it's my blog and goddammit I'm dedicating this review to good ol' Howie Cunningham. Secondly I read the stats for my blog and I found something disgusting and vile, people view my blog using Internet Explorer, now you should cut that disgusting act out. Seriously, IE. You make me sick. Also you can easily tell I'm forcing this paragraph out because I really don't have much to say about todays game.


You see, for the most part on this blog I've reviewed lesser known titles. The most popular title I've done is probably Little Nemo, and that's only semi-well known if you ask me. The thing is with titles like Castlevania, everyone has reviewed it. Everyone knows about the game. It's hard to talk about it really (and I have the sequels to do too, because It's Halloween and I made it so that I had to review every Halloween based NES game because I'm a moron) and the only way a review of a very popular title is interesting to me anymore is if the person hates it, because It's interesting to read why someone doesn't like a popular well known title. At least it is to me.


But that won't be the case here, because I like Castlevania, sure the first NES title lacks a little polish and I feel Simon could, you know, fucking move a bit faster, I really do like the original Castlevania. It's a very neat title with good music, good graphics, and it's really fun to beat up monsters from the Universal Horror Movies, like Frankenstein and Dracula. Also I've never seen the original Frankenstein. Yeah, wild stuff I know. 

Yes, I just posted one paragraph of this review on the actual game because I really don't know what to add. Seriously every single person whos ever reviewed this game has said it for me. It's a good title. You know its  good fucking title. It's Castlevania goddamnit. YOU ALREADY PROBABLY OWN THE DAMN GAME ANYWAY SO I CANT EVEN TELL YOU TO BUY A COPY OF IT. Oh well, this review sucks but at least I have more to say about the sequels. THANKFULLY..


Sunday, October 17, 2010

New Ghostbusters II (1990)

This is the Ghostbusters game every NES fan wanted, even if they didn't care about the Ghostbusters. Pretty much every NES fan disregards the two Ghostbusters games we actually got here in North America. (Because they weren't very good games) This however is a very good game. Very good indeed. You might be asking yourself "how did I not know a bout this game??" Well theres a good reason for that. Unless you lived in Europe during the NES era you didn't get to play this game. Yes, due to licensing reasons the Ghostbusters game we all wanted was stuck in Europe.

You can see from the damn screenshot above that the games graphics are at least five hundred times better than anything from the original game. The same can be said for the music. (To be honest the Ghostbusters theme was overplayed in the original game and I kinda don't love it anymore like I should) The challenge is fair instead of absoultely insane like in the original game. The game controls well. It's got good gameplay. It's like a overhead sidescroller. You go around catching ghosts. AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO BUY YOUR GOD DAMN EQUITMENT. THEY MADE THAT FUCKING EQUITMENT. GODDAMN YOU FUCKERS.

If you are a European NES fan you need to buy yourself a copy of this game. If you are a Ghostbusters fan anywhere in the world you should import it. That's what I plan to do one day soon. I mean really it's truly is the best Ghostbusters game ever. Even better than the new one that came out. You get to play as Rick Moranis! HOW COOL IS THAT (to be honest I'm not too sure if he appears in the new game or what..)

Bram Stoker's Dracula (1993)

I'm a horror movie fan I should get that out right now. I watch too many horror movies, lot of them being B movies no one cares about ever, yet I have never seen Bram Stoker's Dracula made by Francis Ford Coppla which is supposed to be really good and shit. I mean Roger Ebert said it was good and we all must agree with that God of Cinema! I just think theres probably a lot more movies involving Dracula or vampires that I'd rather watch more than it. Plus it stars Keanu Reeves and except for the Bill and Ted movies, I fucking hate Keanu Reeves.


But yes, it was a popular movie made by a popular director so of course it got a damn NES game even though it was made in 1993 and not a single goddamn person was still playing NES games then, but is the game any good? Eh. It's not bad persay but it's not exactly good and by 1993 companies were turning out a lot of really good games that went unknown so when compared to many other better games that came out in the late NES era it's not very good. It's also a hard game to really talk about because its only okay. It's pretty easy to discuss a bad game because theres a lot to talk about how bad it is. It's easy to discuss a good or great game because theres a lot to praise. It's not so easy to discuss a game that pretty much gets a restounding meh from anyone who plays it.


Everything about this game is okay. The music is okay. The graphics are okay. The play control is okay. The gameplay is okay, which is just your usual run and jump, kill enemies and move to the next screen, and it's not really all that hard from what I've played of it. See I told you it was hard. They really didn't add much to this game, and the level design is kinda shitty as most of the levels are honestly kinda bland and unexiciting. One interesting thing of note is how the blocks up there have question blocks on them just like in Mario. A game that is okay/bad shouldn't remind you of a great game. Damnit.

Yeah, I guess if you are a huge sidescroller fan it's worth a buy. It probably won't wow you but you'll get an okay enough time out of it, so buy this when you've beaten pretty much every other sidescroller on the NES.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Fester's Quest (1989)

I love the NES game Blaster Master. It is one of my all time favorite games. It's crazy plot, great gameplay, incredible music, and it is a giant game to explore through. I'm going to say this now, if you don't have Blaster Master, go fuck yourself. Also get a copy of it. You may be wondering why I'm talking about Blaster Master in a review for Fester's Quest, well you see Fester's Quest is a lot like the overhead parts in Blaster Master, just not as good as Blaster Master.

However to be fair to Fester's Quest, I still think it's a pretty good game that gets a bad rap because of two flaws which I'll get to in a minute. Fester's Quest is actually based upon the 1960s Addams Family tv show instead of the movie. So this is the Jackie Coogan Fester you play as, not the Christopher Llyod version. I have no real opinion of the 1960s Addams Family show because I've only seen like half an episode, but one thing I gotta say for certain is that sitcoms of the 1960s were pretty damn weird (I mean there was a sitcom about a spy and one where a man lives with a witch! and another involving a genie!) and a lot more creative than whatever gets shown now.


Fester's Quest has aliens taking over the city in which The Addams Family tv show took place in (I have no idea what that city is) and probably kidnapping someone within the family (I know that some of the family helps you out on this mission but I think Gomez was kidnapped. I don't really know for certain and I don't really care as plots in NES games were all pretty lame for the most part.) and you play as Fester trying to save the city, which is a pretty serviceable plot for a NES game.

The games graphics are pretty good, along with the music (It's Sunsoft people!) and the challenge ranges from fair to holy shit thats impossible, mostly due to the flaws in the game. The major flaws are the gun downgrade weapon and the fact sometimes your gun wont shoot correctly in a small area. I'm not counting the going back to the beginning when you die as a flaw because goddamnit people who make shitty angry video game reviews for youtube need to realize THAT HAPPENED IN PRETTY MUCH EVERY FUCKING GAME YOU SHITHOLES. Also the game has a few 3D mazes so if you suck at those mazes (like I do) you may probably find them to be an annoyance (like I do)

Anyway, I think Fester's Quest, while not a great game gets too much flak from the internet. It's got flaws, no doubt about that but I don't see how those flaws ruin this game.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Gargoyles Quest II: The Demon Darkness (1992)

Well, my blog has been up for 2 months now. Somehow I've written at least 41 reviews (this is the 41st review. Remember the first post was an introduction!) and I've been writing reviews on websites for awhile now. NES World Wide in the early 00s, NES Player, NES Phone, and my own very terrible website Claw's PeNES. However I feel those reviews were terrible, horrendous and were written by a lazy teenager. For Christ sake the NWW reviews were just one sentence. Very bad work, so what I'm getting at here is that this is my best work I've done so far and I'm glad that people actually read it. Even if it's only 5 people. And I have to force 3 of them to do so. I'm still glad they do, so thank you.


Gargoyles Quest II: The Demon Darkness is a great game, and I'm glad that I get to review it on this two-month spectacular! Yeah, I'm getting excited that I've kept this open for two months. I should tell you that none of my other sites or anything lasted very long, so two months is pretty amazing, but back to the game. It has an somewhat interesting story behind it. You see Gargoyles Quest was a series that started on the Game Boy and is a spin off of Ghost N Goblins.  Yep, you play as the giant red flying gargoyle that would fuck your shit up at the end of most levels in that game, well to be fair I suppose he appears later on in the game but I've never been able to beat the first level in that game so I wouldn't know for sure.


What makes this game really unique is how it blends some RPG elements into a sidescroller. You can talk to other monsters (yeah everyone in this game is a monster which is fucking awesome) to get hints on where to go. There's a giant world map like in most RPGs. Menus with items and all kinds of other stuff. You can even power up your flight and weaponry! This neat mix of RPG and Sidescroller is never seen too often but it's a welcomed change.  The game has some very nice graphics (I mean it was 1992, by then companies knew how to get every bit of graphical power out of the system), pretty damn good music (I mean its Capcom for crying out loud!) a fair challenge (sometimes hints given to you by townsfolk are pretty badly translated just like Castlevania 2) and in the end it's really damn fun to play.

I haven't played much of the other two Gargoyles Quest games but I know if they are half as good as this game then they are worth it (I did have the original game as a kid but didn't really play much of it) Gargoyle's Quest II, I think goes for like 10 to 15 bucks, which is kinda pricey but not that bad. It's a bit uncommon so it might take some time to find a cheaper copy, but it's worth it. You really need to get this game. Now.

P.S. check out this website! it's got all kinds of neat stuff related to the games.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Toxic Crusaders (1991)

The Toxic Avenger had a cartoon. I didn't know that until like 2003 when a friend of mine mentioned it.. However, I loved The Toxic Avenger. it was a bizarre strange and incredibly funny little movie. I'm glad that as a teenager in the late 90s I would pretty much rent any horror movie or hell anything made during the 1980s, so that's how I saw the movie. I still haven't seen the cartoon and to be honest it kinda sounds like shit, but it had a NES game, no matter how popular the license was it had a fucking NES game. That's one thing you can count on.

This is a pretty simple NES game. It's like pretty much every licensed title in the fact that it was a sidescroller (seriously the only NES licensed games I can think of that weren't sidescrollers were Spot, Friday the 13th  Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and the first Ghostbusters game) however it was a pretty decent sidescroller. It did everything for the most part right. The graphics are pretty good, it has decent music, the game controls well. Although the biggest flaw is the challenge is uneven. The first few levels are pretty tough but can be beaten (and most of the bosses are kinda shitty and not too hard from what I remember) but the last level will kick you in the face and break your thumbs and probably shove something up your ass, it's that goddamn hard. 

This is one of the few Bandai developed and published games I could actually stomach. It's not in the top tier of licensed games, it's no Duck Tales, but it's sure a hell of a lot better than Ghostbusters. It's worth the small amount of money it will take to find a copy of this game. 

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Monster Party (1989)

Bandai is probably most well known for releasing the game Stadium Events, which would go on to become one of the rarest NES games ever. I don't own Stadium Events and I never will, I don't have a fucking thousand dollars to blow on a shitty NES game, besides I have Nintendos World Class Track Meet, which can be found anywhere for like two fucking quarters. Yet people want the more expensive rarer version, because they are retarded. Uh, I don't really know where I was going with that but still, Bandai was most well known for that game and the biggest reason is, most of their other games sucked (a few were pretty good but you'll have to wait to see which ones I liked!!) but the best game they published was Monster Party.


I was surprised to find out that Bandai didn't develop this game (at least according to Wikipedia!) but Human Entertainment did. The same people who developed the totally awesome Kabuki Quantum Fighter, which to be fair, was a pretty strange game in itself, BUT Monster Party is even stranger. EVERYTHING about this game is strange. the levels are strange. the plot is strange. the bosses are really fucking strange. the enemies are strange. EVERYTHING. It's like they took every cliche from every horror film ever and threw it into a game. Every single kind of monster you can think off is in this game. And it's awesome.


Monster Party boasts pretty damn good graphics, very good music, good controls and a neat little plot. You play as Mark whos coming home from a Baseball game and is approached by a Demon named Bert, who wants you to help him save the Dark World! So in this game you get to play as both Mark and Bert who have different attacks. Mark fights with his baseball and Bert can fly and shoot pellets at enemies. You become Bert whenever you pick up a pill. The game is pretty challenging too so you won't beat it in a sitting unless you are really good, but enough practice and you can beat this game.

Despite having a pretty big cult of fans in America, Monster Party was never released in Japan (although a prototype exists.) It's one of the few games that weren't released in Japan (I think Star Tropics and Zoda's Revenge were also kept from the Japanese) It's a shame that they didn't get to play this game but to be fair THE JERKS DIDN'T LET US PLAY KID DRACULA SO THEY CAN GO EAT A PILE OF DICKS.

Monday, October 11, 2010

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1990)

A Nightmare on Elm Street was my other favorite series as a kid, however to be honest I don't think most of the movies held up as well as the Friday the 13th movies, I could easily watch any Friday the 13th movie any time I wanted yet most of the Freddy movies feel eh. I mean the original is still a classic. Part 2 is hilarious in how incredibly homoerotic it is. and Part 3 is a very fun movie, then it kinda goes to crap. 4 was okay. 5 was not very good except for the Super Freddy scene. Part. 6 was a bad movie but I still liked it more than parts 4 or 5 (mostly because it was so bad it was hilarious. and he uses the fucking Power Glove!). And I didn't like New Nightmare (of course the last time I saw that movie I was 10. I was probably expecting something a lot like the other ones) So Freddy just doesn't hold up as well.

To be totally fair while I LIKE the Friday the 13th game, I can honestly see why it's not some peoples cup of tea and why they totally hate it. However when it comes to A Nightmare on Elm Street, I can NOT see why this game is seen as one of the worst games on the NES, thats because it totally kicks ass. This is one of the best licensed games on the NES. It's up there with Batman and the Disney / Capcom titles, and yes I totally do mean that.


This game boasts pretty damn good graphics, good but not great sound (seriously this game was developed by Rare, they have made better music than this. Seriously go listen to anything from Battletoads and then come back to listen to this. a HUGE difference)  a decent challenge (this game is not that hard, but will take some time to beat) and a very unique gameplay mechanic, where in you enter the dream world and become a Dream Warrior (just like in the 3rd movie!) which is pretty awesome. The only flaws I can think off is that Freddy himself is incredibly easy (seriously, He's Freddy goddamn Kruger, he should be one of the hardest bosses to beat in all of Video gaming!) and some of the enemies are generic, other than that I fail to see how this is a bad game that I should be hating with all of my heart.

I think this is a perfect example of a good game that has gotten a bad rap. Seriously worth checking out, forget the fact it was PUBLISHED BY THOSE EVIL RAINBOW PEOPLE AHHHHHHH and just play the fucking thing.                                                                

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Friday the 13th (1988)

I was a pretty weird kid (yeah what a shock, huh?!) and some of my favorite movies were the Friday the 13th movies. I loved every single stupid one of them (still do) and I think Jason Voorhees is the greatest fictional serial killer ever! (and the Friday the 13th movies were the best horror series of the 1980s, but then again it's not very hard to beat stuff like Halloween and The Howling, which weren't very good series. Sure the first 3 Halloweens were great, and the original Howling was great too, but as a whole those series were really bad.)  but enough discussion of horror movies. You didn't come here to read that you came here to see me tear this game a new asshole!


Well, that isn't going to happen either. Yes, that's right I LIKE Friday the 13th for the Nintendo Entertainment System. A whole lot too. It's a unique game that has some minor flaws but really I don't get what is so terrible about it. The game has some great atmosphere (sometimes when Jason pops out of fucking nowhere I fucking freak out) some very decent graphics, okay music, and a decent challenge. As for flaws, you get six camp counselors and to be frankly honest, only 3 of them are worth anything, Mark, Crissy, and Laura, you can send the other 3 packing as they seriously suck shit. Also it's pretty annoying to find your way around the Cave and the Woods, but it's doable.


I really think this is a game you'll either like or you will either hate. Quite a number of people actually like the game where as a lot sure as hell don't. As you can see from the review you can put me in the like pile. Still theres a good 50/50 chance you may either like this game or hate it, but I'd give it a whirl anyway as it's not a very expensive game and you get to kill a disembodied head!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Monster In My Pocket (1991)


I should start out this review saying, I never played with M.U.S.C.L.E. figures and had no idea that shitty NES game was based on a toyline for a long time. I also never played with Monster in My Pocket either, which were similar to M.U.S.C.L.E. I have no idea why I didn't but yes, someone born between 1980 and 1985 didnt play with M.U.S.C.L.E., crazy, I know! Still even if you never played with either Monster in my Pocket or M.U.S.C.L.E., you gotta admit Konami made a damn fine game based off this series of toys I didn't know existed (to be fair, I would probably have played the hell out of those toys had I knew about them!)


I think this game, good as it is, is one of the weaker Konami titles. It's down there near the bottom of the list, were I to list Konami games for the NES. But to be fucking fair,  Konami made great games, not only Contra and Super C and the CastleVania games, but Tiny Toon Adventures, Bucky O Hare, the TMNT games, Goonies II, seriously, compared to those games pretty much any game is trash, but even though it's a lesser konami title, it still kicks the shit out of your ass.


The game like pretty much every other Konami title boasts great music, sound effects and graphics, pretty damn good level designs. Neat bosses. (I love the Kraken boss), and it is pretty fun, which is the most important part of a game in the end. The only real problem with this game is that it is way way way way way way way way way way way way way way way WAY too easy. This is totally on the top 10 easiest games on the NES along with Felix the Cat and Wacky Races, but to be fair, they are great games to get beginners hooked on NES! (we all started somewhere right?)

This is a pretty good game and if I recall correctly it's pretty cheap too! so I'd give it a whirl.. I mean it's Konami and when was the last time Konami let you down??

Friday, October 8, 2010

The Addams Family (1991)

The first thing I've ever seen the infamous Addams Family in was the 1991 movie intitled The Addam's Family (I mean really what did you expect it to be called?) and I fucking loved that movie as a kid. I remember we got the movie on vhs from McDonalds (really, no joke.) along with another movie I totally loved Charlotte's Web, I haven't seen either movie in years but to me there's no one who can replace Raul Julia as Gomez. No one.


So like every movie that was even sortof kindof popular. It got a NES game. And a SNES game. And a Sega Genesis Game. And an Atari STX or whatever game. AND A Amiga game. I've only played the NES and SNES versions, so I don't know if the other versions are different, but the NES game is pretty decent. Yep, Ocean made a decent game, still this and the Jurassic Park game were flukes. I'm pretty sure every other Ocean NES game sucked (I can't remember if they made the original RoboCop game or not, but if they did I suppose you can add that to the like pile, still even if those three games were the greatest games on the system, they wouldn't make up for the sheer badness that is RoboCop 2. My god that game was bad)


The game is pretty good, although the first time I beat it I wasn't too big on it but it has grown on me. The graphics are fine. The sound is well, you won't really like the classic Addam's Family theme after you play this game to completetion, but the sound effects are pretty good, what I like about this game is that it isn't one of the eighty six billion sidescrollers. It's a sidescroller mixed with Metroid. You have to go around saving the family members so they can help you save other family members. Like grandma will give you a potion (if you collect the stuff you need to make it) so that you can save Pugsley, which adds replay value to this game, trying to see who you can save first.  The controls are pretty okay but they could have been improved on a little, it's hard to really explain why, but they really seem iffy to me. Also the hit detection could have been improved on a bit, but despite those small flaws, the game isn't really that hard. Also the Addams Family keeps the charm of the movie/tvshow/whatever by having their house being weird as hell, full of crazy shit that wants to kill you. That's awesome.

this is another one of the many games that has grown on me, I remember the first time I played it on a emulator and somehow beat it (okay I used a FAQ) but I didn't like it. I don't know if it was using a keyboard or what (an actual NES controller is so much better), but to be fair, the first time I played Contra on an emulator I didn't like it either. That's right, I didn't like Contra the first time I played it,  but I got a copy and I love it now, so in conclusion, playing with a keyboard sucks ass.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Werewolf The Last Warrior (1990)

Werewolves are admittly pretty cool monsters, It's just that most of the material they appear in really sucks ass. For every The Howling or An American Werewolf in London. There's a Twilight (I hear they are techinally shapeshifters, but I don't know because I don't read that goddamn horrible garbage. or watch those terrible movies. In fact they are the only movies I refuse to ever watch. Ever.) or An American Werewolf in Paris.

Published by Data East (makers of Karnov, Bad Dudes and other not very good games) and published by Takara (who I have never heard of. Ever). Werewolf the Last Warrior is probably one of the better games Data East sold, but to be fair that's not saying much. Werewolf has a pretty neat gimmick, in that if you pick up a red W you stop being a total goddamn wuss (seriously your human form sucks) and becomes a total badass werewolf.


Seriously you need to be a werewolf because as a human you will seriously get your shit fucked up in seconds. enemies that take one or two hits as a Werewolf, take several more as a human, and tons of enemies will pop up and attack you, which kills your weak ass human self  very quickly. That's probably the biggest problem of the game, trying to stay a Werewolf.  The games graphics are pretty good, and the music is pretty catchy. The games challenge is kinda depended if you are a werewolf or not, if you are a werewolf the game is challenging but not impossible, as a human the game will fuck you in the ass until you cry uncle.

Despite the fact you suck when you are a person, this game is decent enough. I don't think it'll become your next favorite game but I enjoy it enough to say give it a shot.

Also here's a video talking about tips for this game! (CUZ THAT DAMN BUM ROTH DISABLED THE EMBEDDING)