Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Spider Man: Return of the Sinister Six (1992)

I don't know if I mentioned it before (mostly because I forget about what I wrote 10 seconds after I write it) but Spider Man may be my favorite superhero of all time. I fucking love everything about him. The character, his corny jokes, his supporting cast (J. Jonah Jameson 4 lyfe son!) and his rouges gallery. Yes, those classic baddies Spider Man fights. from Electro to Venom I love them all. I even love the fucking Hypno Hustler. And I think I'm one of the three people who love that lame black disco asshole, but that's a story for another time, today we will be talking about Spider Man: Return of the Sinister Six for the NES.


Yes, I know our lord and savior the Angry Video Game Nerd reviewed this game and told everyone that they must hate it, but don't you fuckers realize he's a joke character and not serious?!? Like what the christ? Who knows how James Rolfe the guy who created the nerd really feels about this game anyway? Also who the hell cares? Shit, I even like the AVGN but I don't give a shit if he likes this game or not. Yes, this game has some really weird control issues (which aren't too bad when you get used to it) Yes, the one life thing is fucking annoying (despite that the game isn't even that hard) and the bosses are kinda pussies. Seriously these are some of the greatest foes in all of comic book land and you can easily just sit next to them and hit punch. That's stupid! Goddamn fucking stupid!


Despite those flaws, the game has its good points. The graphics are decent, not great but decent. The level design is neat, in most levels you have to find something to move on. Like Sunglasses in Mysterio's stage. I also like the fact that the Vulture flies after you and tries to kill you during his stage, that was a really neat touch. The music isn't great but it's decent enough, also if you are sick of getting your ass kicked by other games than this one is pretty easy, breazy, beautiful....okay I don't know why I made that terrible, terrible joke. But if you are looking for a game that's easy this is the one for you, despite the fact you only get one life. It only took me like 2 or 3 days of playing to beat it. Not hard at all. Still I kinda wish they had done better boss battles but what can you do.

Maybe It's my love of the webslinger that's coming out here, but I think this is a decent game. It's no Maximum Carnage for the SNES / Genesis, but it's also better than that awful game based around the 1990s cartoon. Holy jesus that was a turd of a video game, made me so angry as a child! ANGRY! uh... okay before I get off track again I'll just say this. This game deserves a good second chance. I hated it for a long time too until I actually sat down and played it through. It's not perfect,  but I think it's a solid title.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Ikari Warriors (1986)

There are many many things in this world that I will never ever understand. Why the tv show Friends was so popular is one. Quantum Physics is another,  but to be honest I don't think anyone really understands that shit, and another one of the many things I will never get is why Ikari Warriors is so god damn fucking beloved and considered a classic. I do not, and will never understand that. You know every game I've reviewed that people consider shitty. Yeah, they deserve the classic status more than this ugly ugly game does. In fact fuck it, if Ikari Warriors is considered a classic, so is fucking Dick Tracy, because Dick Tracy is a better goddamn game by leaps and bounds. Fuck.

I've not played the original arcade game, and there's a pretty good reason for that. Where I grew up the only good arcade machines where at the fucking Airport, and there were only a handfull of times I was ever at the Airport, and if I recall correctly, I wasn't there for very long. They used to have one in the mall, but it kinda sucked except for the awesome Simpsons arcade game, so I don't know much about arcade games and all that, I've only played a handful of them on MAME, which I can't get to work anymore because I'm a moron. Oh well, I'll stick with the ports on the NES, as most of them were pretty good. You know, except for this piece of shit.


Yes, I consider Ikari Warriors, your beloved Ikari Warriors to be a huge goddamn runny, messy, turd. This fucking piece of shit got 72th on the top 100 NES games on IGN. I wouldn't even put this in my top 600 for fuck sake. I'd even put those boring ass sim games about china above this one. At least they don't put me to sleep as quickly as this pile of rat shit does. You want reasons why this game sucks? Here's many. The graphics are fucking horrible. I don't like to pick on the graphics for these games because they are 25 years old, but FUCK this games graphics are totally upstaged by every other game that was made during that time. Seriously, all of the games made in 1985-1986 had better graphics than this piece of shit. Better music too. No I could forgive all of that if your character didn't move at a snail's pace. The one hit death thing I can deal with, the fact he moves slower than my grandma who's been dead for 51 goddamn years is fucking shitty. That's why this game can suck my gonads, that slow ass motherfucker.


Ikari Warriors would return twice more on the NES, and to be fair, both of those games were better, but not by much. I truly consider Ikari Warriors to be the worst, least fun, and not enjoyable on any level trilogy of games on the NES. Most trilogies had one good game, a lot of them had even two, and in the case of something like Mario or Lolo, all 3 games were worth getting. That's not the case with Ikari Warriors, all three games are better left on the game shelf, that's right. I'm pretty sure this is one of the 3 games I'm going to tell you not to even bother with. Enjoy being stuck with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Dragon's Lair  you worthless piece of cow shit.                                                                         

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Dick Tracy (1990)

I don't really know much about Dick Tracy. I only saw the 1990 film once, but I do remember enjoying it, despite the fact Madonna was in it. I've never read the original comics by Chester Gould (however I have read some of the newer stuff thanks to the Comic thread on SomethingAwful... I'm sure as fuck that Chester Gould couldn't be as shitty as Dick Locher. Seriously, the dudes stories are stupid and whoever draws the comic can't draw worth a shit. I could draw better than him. No joke.) and this NES game, which gets an incredibly bad rap. Yes, this is yet another game the internet has told me I have to hate, but I refuse to do so! That's right, here's yet another positive review of a game no one else likes (except DamienC)


There's honestly a lot to like about Dick Tracy. I like the fact that you actually feel like a detective going around finding clues. This is a very neat feeling. The music has this really nice 1930s-1940s feel to it that makes it unique and fun to listen to. The graphics are pretty good. The game has a somewhat uneven challenge to it, as it gets ass blastingly hard in the latter stages. Of course, I've beaten the game (one tip is to always have at least 2 first AID kits with you, seriously, you will need them) but I think that if you put enough effort into it you could beat it too. This is a very unique little game that I feel gets trashed because people won't play it for more than 5 fucking minutes.


It's not without it's flaws though. The driving sections, if you ask me, are fucking horrible. You get hit by those asshole snipers way too easily, and I'm too goddamn impatient to go around everywhere so slowly. It's foolish, damnit! Some level design choices are very weird, like enemies in very annoying spots, but to be fair, every NES game no matter how good or bad at least had one point where they put an enemey in the most annoying, stupid place. Also some of the clues are pretty hard to get and you may have to use a FAQ. I hate having to use FAQs, damnit. And some of the clues are pretty stupid and worthless too boot.

Anyway, I had fun playing Dick Tracy. The game is a nice unique little title that gets way too much guff from the internet. This is a game that honestly deserves a second look, play it for more than 5 damn mintues this time too.

Bible Adventures (1991)

I'm not the most religious person out there. I don't know what I really believe in and to be fair I don't really care to bother to find out. Whatever happens to me after I die isn't going to happen for a long ass time (at least I hope it won't), but I do know one thing I believe to be true, Bible Adventures is a pretty bad video game. And we shall see why! Won't that be fun kids? Yeah, I know it won't be a single iota of fun but shut up and keep on reading.


Bible Adventures is to be quite honest, not a very good game, but a brilliant marketing idea. Seriously there were MANY Christians and Catholics and all kinda Jesus Lovers who had Nintendos for their children. What better way to let your kid know about the Bible than a Video game!? None! Shit, even the worst video game is still gonna be more fun than Sunday School! Anyway, Bible Adventures is split up into 3 games, Noah's Ark, Baby Moses, and David and Goliath. And they all really suck real bad. Really, really bad. Like getting punched in the groin bad. Groin is one funny word. haha. Groin.


Anyway, I'm going to be honest here, the biggest problem with this game at least for me is the slippery as fuck controls, everything else is decent, and pretty well done for an unlicensed company, but they must have let in that fucker who programmed the controls for every other Color Dreams piece of shit do it for this one because the controls really fucking eat shit. You slip everywhere, causing you to fall off a piece of land and die so very quickly. It's just not fun doing that repeatedly, and maybe it's just me, but in the Noah's Ark game it's really hard to keep ahold of the animals, and I don't know how people have gotten screenshots of them holding more than 2 animals. You people are GODS I SAY. GODS.

Anyway, I don't really like this game to be honest, and I don't really like most of Wisdom Tree's output, Exodus and Joshua were at best okay games, but there was one of them I really liked, which one you say? You'll have to wait for another time. Despite my dislike of this game I'd never sell my copy because the idea of a Bible based video game, as I've said before, amuses the absolute hell out of me. Seriously, that's some funny shit right there.

Superman (1988)

You already know at least something about Superman. I'm god damn fucking positive about that. If there is somehow someone out there who doesn't know who Superman is, get out from under that rock you've been living under for the last 70 freaking years. I'm not going to tell you anything about Superman because you already know about Krypton last hope! and you know about Lois Lane and Lex Luthor and Kryptonite, and every single damn thing about the Man of Steel. You know about Superman you either love him or hate him or don't care about him period. Me I love the guy, which is part of the reason why I like this not so great NES title.


Superman for the NES, was Superman's only foray into the world of the NES. Well, that's not 100% true. An unrealeased game called Sunman was originally going to be a Superman title, but to be totally honest, that game was not very good and this one is actually a lot more fun once you get into it. Or maybe I've gone completely bonkers. I have no clue. I think this game was based around Superman II as the Zod Gang are the villians of this game... but I have no clue if thats true or not as this game is just bizarre. Like it was made by some people who had mental issues and were quite clearly not very good at making video games. Yet I like this game honestly and truly, and I'd play it over any of your fancy pants X-box games!


Everything about this game is weird. What the characters say is just plain weird. The way Superman and the villians look is weird (seriously Lex Luthor just looks like Perry White. Like the same damn sprite) the game is weirdly made too, it seems most of Superman's powers are kinda useless except for one point in the game. Superman jumps weird too. The freaking Statue of Liberty looks like she just came out of some anime! hell the entire game looks like some weirdly animated anime all the character are deformed or some shit. I'm sure theres some foolish term used by anime fans for that deformed shit but I don't feel like looking for it. The graphics are weird, period. The music isn't very weird and is just very forgettable. And once you get into this game, it's honestly pretty fun at least it is to me.

This game is well not perfect, but its weirdness is pretty funny to a Superman fan, and once you get into how the game works it's pretty fun and easy game to put on your beaten list. It's not great, but I'd say give it a chance. Do it for that paperboy asshole I forgot about the mention in this review. Yeah, do it for that red headed jerk.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Day Dreamin' Davey (1992)

Well today is a special milestone at KLASSIK KLAW KOMEDY (I really don't know why I went with that terrible blog name but It sure beats claw's peNES...) as I have finally written 100 blog entries. 100 pointless, uninteresting, unfunny, boring and rather crappy 100 entries, but damnit I'm still happy I did it. I never stick with things in the long run and I'm glad that I stook with this blog because even though I don't particularly think I'm doing good work here It's still fun to blather on about the things I want to talk about that no one else wants to talk about. Like this game.


Day Dreamin' Davey was programmed by Sculptured Software... a company that's not very well liked by most video game fans, of course most video game fans go on and on about how video games are art. here's a hint, they ain't. And it fucking pains me that I have to agree with such a pompous asshole like Roger Ebert on something I do love a whole lot but I don't think Video Games are art, but that's neither here nor there. It's not time to bring that arguement back up, it's time to talk about Day Dreamin' Davey.  Sculptured Software made the two Genesis / SNES Simpsons games that I fucking loved as a young lad. They may not be much now in 2011, and they may not have been much back then, but fuck I LOVED THEM. And I still do, and there ain't a fucking thing you can do about it. They also made Stanley Search for Dr. Livingstone, which is like Metroid except better. That's right I just sassed Metroid! and I said video games aren't art! Some obese man is going to kill me tonight.


Day Dreamin' Davey is well, not a great game, but again I don't agree with the general populace that it's a bad game. It's not, despite the fact they really could have gone farther with the idea. I mean there's three level types done over and over in this game. Medievil Times, Ancient Greek, and The Wild West. They could have come up with a lot of better level ideas then rehashing the same three over and over and over again. Kind of lame if you ask me. Also the fact they really fucked up the Controls in this game. You have to presss A AND B to jump. That's fucking stupid. I don't even have to point out why that so god damn stupid, but I will anyway. I hate to break it to you Davey, but every other game or at least 98% of them used either A or B to jump, not both, you dumbshit.


But despite those flaws I like this game, yes I'm sure some will call me crazy but maybe I  am crazy, I'm the only liberal minded person in the world it seems who thinks calling Sarah Palin a cunt is a dumb thing. Also wishing she was dead is not cool either! And I don't really like her either! But yes! that has nothing to do with Day Dreamin' Davey. I'm trying to get back on track before some obese (I mean be honest here all video game fans are either fat or ugly) hardcore super liberal video game fan stabs me in the chest leaving me to die for not wishing Sarah Palin get raped and beaten to death with a broom stick. I don't even know why I mentioned that! This review is getting long and pointless! at least the other ones weren't long! OK. I'm gonna say I don't really like the music but I don't hate it either. The music and sound effects are passable enough, what I do like however, is that it's one of the few games to actually have digital voice effects in it. And they actually sound pretty good! Wild stuff! Another thing I really like about this game is the graphics. I really like the character designs, the Teacher, Davey, The Bully, the Weird Girl, The Principal (who is totally a black Jason Alexander according to Sean Leroy Mackenzie Jr.)  and despite the controls the game is still pretty fun to me.

Anyway, I think it's time I finally finish up this 100th blog post with a plea, don't give this game a fair shake for me, give it a fair shake for Black Jason Alexander. Thank you and goodnight (despite it being 2:30 here in Canada! but shhh anyway!)

Captain America & the Avengers (1992)

To celebrate the 70th anniversary of Captain America's creation (which actually happens in March but I'm lazy and impatient and want to do it NOW goddamnit!) I decided to talk about a video game Captain America was in, no I don't mean the totally awesome 1991 Arcade game that was awesome. Jesus was against violence and all that but I'm still sure he'd enjoy beating up the Red Skull and his minions because that's how awesome that game was. "WHERE IS THE LASER" "ASK THE POLICE!" ha ha good stuff. No I'm going to be reviewing the lesser known and to be fair less awesome NES game. It's still a decent enough title though!


One big flaw this game has is the fact you can only play as Hawkeye and Captain America. Sure I love both those characters a whole lot but goddamnit you don't show Iron Man and the Vision on the fucking cover and not let anyone play as them. That is a fucking cock tease and you know it Data East. A COCK TEASE! And it's not fair to call it and the AVENGERS when you only get to play as one goddamn avenger other than CAP. Way to lie to me Data EAast! that's why I hate you! well that and your shitty shitty games...like Karnov and Bad Dudes (ahahaha sorry you know I had to put that in there Roth!) and another problem with this game is that theres only two types of stages, a outside stage or an inside stage, most of the stages look very familiar and that can be seen as pretty lazy level design if you ask me.

Still this game has some pretty good graphics, all the characters that you get to fight look like their appropriate Marvel Comics character. The Mandarian doesn't end up looking like a 87 year old cat lady. He looks like the goddamn Mandarian. The music isn't so fantastically good that you'd write home about it (although If you honestly wrote home to your mother about how good a video games music was I'd have to say you are goddamn crazy) And the level up thing is interesting, where if you collect 100 gems Hawkeye and Captain America will increase a level, making them more powerful and have more health. I also must admit that while I think I'm pretty good at NES games I still havent mastered this one. It's a tough cookie. But most of all despite the problems the game has in the end it's pretty damn fun.


If you like Captain America, or Hawkeye, or The Avengers, I'd say pick this game up. To be fair I'm just so happy that I get to fight a 8-bit version of THE WINGLESS WIZARD (he, I think fought the Avengers like maybe twice.... he was more of a Fantastic Four bad guy, BUT STILL YOU GET TO FIGHT HIM SO STOP BEING A PICKY DOUCHE) that I'd love the game even if it was the worst piece of shit ever, but it isn't, so go pick this game up. It's actually not a complete piece of shit!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Tiny Toon Adventures (1991)

I enjoyed the 1990 - 1993 animated series Tiny Toon Adventures. It wasn't perfect, but it amused me as a youngin, and that's all that really matters. What really surprises me is all these hardcore Looney Toons fans and some of the creators of original Looney Toons cartoons (who were still alive when this show came on) all really did not like it. It's strange but I guess I don't take my cartoons as seriously as some crazy weirdos who freak out if you watch one past 1961, but to be fair I don't take anything fucking seriously, anyway, today's game is Tiny Toon Adventures for the NES.

 I really like this game. It's a pretty neat platformer starring all of your favorite Tiny Toons characters. You play as Buster Bunny who has to rescue Babs Bunny from Montana Max. You can change from Buster and become Plucky Duck (who was totally the best of all the characters, but to be fair I also think Daffy was the best Looney Toons character too!)  Dizzy Devil, and Furrball. and Elmyra, Arnold (the big bull dog) and Dr. Gene Splicer all make camoes as enemeis or bosses. And I didn't have to look a single name up, yes, I am that sad. I also like how the characters all do different things that help you out in each stage. Plucky and fly and swim. Dizzy can spin through anything, and Furrball can climb on walls.

To be fair, I really don't have any complaints about this game. It's got very nice graphics, really great sounds and music (seriously other than Capcom, Konami made the best musics on the NES, if you disagree with that...well I guess you can disagree with that, I mean really what can I do to make you change your mind anyway?)  The game is pretty fun,  and has a decent challenge to it, as every level gets harder and harder and by the end it's like your usual Konami crazyness, It's been awhile since I played through this entire game but I remember Montana Max's mansion (woo illeration!) being goddamn hard as HELL.

If you enjoyed Tiny Toons, if you hated Tiny Toons, and even if you have no fucking idea what Tiny Toons was, you should still pick up this neat latter era title, it proves that they were still cranking out great NES titles when the SNES came into play and they made some of the best games for the NES in the last 3 years of its lifespan in my opinion as developers knew what to do and what not to do... either way, pick this game up, and hell if you find it cheap enough, pick up the sequel.. my thoughts on the sequel coming up soon but I don't know when...either way I think you can tell I'm having a hard time ending this paragraph so I'm just going to end it right here...

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1989)

 Today's game is a request from a friend! Yes! that's right someone puts up with me! IN REAL LIFE! wild stuff huh? Either way I've decided to talk about the original TMNT game,  A game you either love or hate. Personally I 'm in the love pile, this was one of my favorite games as a youngster and is a game that I honestly think it holds up really well, the game is not perfect but nothing except for maybe TMNT2 or the Mario games brings me back to those days of my youth. Anyway on to this review!

I haven't played this game since I beat it in like 2007 (give me a break I got a lot of games to go through and beat! don't have no damn time to play through everything a bazillion times!) and well I played it again today (just a few minutes ago too!) for like 45 or so minutes and had a damn ball. The game has flaws yes, but I still enjoyed this unique little platformer. I like the maze like levels, they add a very unique flavor to it all, it's kinda hard to explain really but I like how there's tons of rooms in like every level to explore and everything. I'm not even sure I've seen everything this game has to offer and I've been playing the damn thing since I was 5 years old!                                            


The game boasts some pretty good graphics, and some REALLY good music. This music in this game is really catchy and memorable, the gameplay is tight despite some problems (which i'll get too), the challenge to be completely fair is not as hard as most people say (despite it taking me 10 years to beat the game...) it's only the end of the game that's really hard, and before anyone says any thing about that damn dam stage, It's not that hard, seriously. If you think the dam stage is hard you are a wuss. That's right a complete and utter wuss. This game has a few lets say weird choices in design, like pizza in places where you couldn't get it and some really annoying jumps, but to be fair, I don't consider that to be a game ruining flaw really, the jumps don't appear all that much.  Another problem I have is that the bosses in this game, except for the Technodrome are really really, REALLY easy, and if you have the scroll weapons the Technodrome is a joke. The last flaw in this game has is that one two of the four turtles are really worth anything, those being Donatello and Leonardo, which pisses me off because Michaelango and Rapheal are much, much cooler.


Anyway, yet another disliked game that I honestly enjoy, although this game may not be perfect, It's probably my favorite of the four TMNT games (everyone seems to forget about TMNT Tournament Fighters was ALSO on the NES too but I can see why no one wants to remember that game) on the NES. It's just I find it to be a better game than the beat em ups (not to say that they are bad games, as I do like them) and despite some minor flaws I really do think this is a game worth picking up. You'll either like it or hate it with a passion, no in between.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Jaws (1987)

First off I will be dedicating this review to Michael "Groxx" Elohim Martin-Banks Jr, who is possibly the biggest fan ever of the game I will be talking about today. Hell he even made a damn shrine to it on his website. A SHRINE TO JAWS. So I dedicate this rather terrible review to him and I hope that somehow he enjoys it probably got hit in the head a few times before reading my blog... that's what I assume happens to the few people who read this and say they like this stuff... either way, enough of my terrible attempt at comedy, as it's time to review this NES game Jaws.


First I should mention that I enjoyed Jaws, I haven't seen it since I was a kid but I really liked it. Hell I even liked Jaws 2, which was pretty much the exact same movie as the original. And Jaws 3. I mean that one had Chappy from Iron Eagle in it! IRON EAGLE! okay, Iron Eagle kinda sucked but still Louie Gossett Jr. owns! However Jaws for the NES is not based on any of those movies, so sadly we won't get to play as Richard Dreyfuss, Roy Schneider or Louie Gossett today... as this game is based around the 1987 film Jaws The Revenge, which is the only one in the series that I did not like, and I think it's a very bad, poorly made, annoyingly stupid movie... and that's another thing this game got wrong you can't even play as Michael Caine either! Damn you Jaws for the NES!


As you can tell from the above paragraph I don't really want to talk about Jaws for the NES, as I don't really like Jaws for the NES. I know it's weird, I don't like one of the few LJN games people actually don't hate, it's strange isn't it... The only person on the internet who willingly sticks up for LJN doesn't like one of the games people actually kinda like that they made. Weird stuff, it's not to say I think Jaws is a complete pile of shit, it's just not very good. For mostly one reason, there's really not much to do in Jaws, not enough to do in the game, seriously, this game is not only one of the easiest games on the NES, but one of the shortest, there are youtube videos of people beating this game in 6 minutes. I don't know of any other game that can be beaten that easily or quickly. Not a single one. To put it frankly there's not enough meat to this game for it to be really all that spectacular.


To be fair to the game. Despite the kinda cruddy graphics, the music is decent, the controls are decent, it's not a poorly programmed game, I just wish their was more to do in it. Seriously, it's just very quick to beat this game, maybe if they added more to it I would have liked it more, as it stands now, Jaws is a game that you should play if you can't beat any other game you own. It'll make you feel better in that respect. Still I'd go out and give Jaws a shot as people seem to enjoy it alot, me I'm just kinda peeved the actions over before it even begins.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Dragon's Lair (1990)

The original Dragon's Lair was like an interactive cartoon. You could choose what Dirk the Daring would do, which made for a really neat little game, maybe not high on the reply value because after beating it once you'd know what to do, but I'm told the game sucked up a lot of quarters back than, and I wish I was around to have played it. Seemed like a very neat idea, but I'm sure if you are visiting this blog you are already nerdy enough to know about Dragon's Lair and the animation by Don Bluth (who went on to animated The Secret of Nimh, The Land Before Time, All Dogs go to Heaven, and An American Tail. All classics of cinematic beauty if you ask me.) and I'm pretty sure if you showed him this game it would kill him. Seriously he's an old man. He'd probably commit suicide or die of a heart attack seeing this filth ruin his ideas.


Yes, for you people who want to see me scream at an old video game are in luck. Today we are reviewing what I consider to be the second worst NES game of all time, the NSTC version of Dragon's Lair (you'll see why I mention that version in particular)  and I must be fair and start out with the positives, and yes youtube reviewers even this game has positives. The graphics are decent, nice and cartoony but I think they are also a little grainy, it's kinda hard to explain but they feel really grainy to me, still despite that the graphics aren't too bad. The music is decent enough too. MotiveTime (the actual people who programmed this shit) did an alright job there too. So far they are not doing too badly! BUT THEY WILL BE


You see, this game is plauged by a horrible problem. Your character moves to god damn slow. I mean that, add in the fact that your character also dies by touching pretty much everything (except bats) and is way too big causes a lot of deaths and frustration. And you know what is the really god damn annoying thing, the fact that the game runs twice as fast in Japan and PAL countries meaning they got a game where the character actually moves at a god damn mother fucking normal pace. That's god damn shitty isn't it? Damn, but yes, the controls are fucked, the challenge is fucked, the fun factor is fucked, the game play is totally fucked. so when all those things are fucked it doesn't really matter that the graphics and sound are decent.

I don't think you should waste a cent on this game and most people agree with me, but I figure you should give it a shot on an emulator or if you find it very cheaply, you never know if you may be one of the 2 people out there who could possibly be able to enjoy this game, but stranger things have happened. Now if you excuse me, I'm sick and tired of talking about this game, so I'm going to change gears a bit. Next up is a game I don't really like but don't really hate, in fact it's just very mediocre! What game is that!? YOU'LL SEE.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Gilligan's Island (1990)

 I liked Gilligan's Island when I was a kid. No I didn't watch it originally, I'm not that fucking old, but in reruns, sadly it feels like something I'd probably not be able to enjoy now, just for one reason: Gilligan. Seriously, the guy made it so these people were trapped for god damn years on a deserted island. You could be the nicest son of a bitch ever born and you'd probably ring his scrawny ass neck after he screwed up a few times. I don't see how he got to live after screwing up so many fucking times. I mean I'm sure Alan Hale could have taken his scrawny ass any day of the week. If you can easily look past this and enjoy the show fine, you won't get no guff from me for enjoying something I don't. Life's too short to pick apart others opinions and shit. Unless their opinion is like black people and gays and jews shuold be exterminated. Then I'd probably have a problem with that. Also take out the probably. Also I think you should know that we are going to discuss the 1990 NES game Gilligan's Island. Also I use the word Also a lot.

This is also a not very well liked video game, but honestly it's yet another one that I like. Maybe it's the absurdity of a Gilligan's Island game (seriously it's a weird idea for a show let alone a video game), or maybe I'm easy to please. I probably am, I don't really enjoy being negative (yet oddly enough I've gotten a reputation for being negative. Strange how that shit works out eh?) Either way, I think this game is pretty enjoyable. It was programmed by Human Entertainment (at least according to Wikipedia) who would go on to make The Fireman (a pretty good PAL-Only SNES game) and well while this game isn't perfect (I'll go into those reasons later) but I think it's neat. Not many games like this. Every level or "episode" is a maze where you have to find the characters from the show and do errands for them along with finding the boss of the level. I honestly think that's really neat, and I feel that the time limit for the most part is pretty fair. The last level is really hard because you need to do everything perfectly within the  time limit but for the most part the time limit in this game is fine. I also think the graphics are decent enough, not spectacular but you can easily tell which character is which. The music isn't great but is listenable.


OK, now for the negatives, first off the bosses kinda suck and are pretty easy once you figure out their pattern. The enemies aren't even that hard to dogde or anything and mostly you'll die trying to figure out where to go (there is a map once you press pause but first off you have to find where everyone is.) which is kinda sucky. Also if you didn't hate Gilligan before you will now. No joke, you will probably want to dig up Bob Denver's grave and throw his skeleton around a little. Gilligan follows you around, and if you lose him you HAVE to go back and get him. AND you WILL lose that bastard a lot. So pick up a lot of ropes because they will bring Gilligan back to you automatically.. You'll thank yourself later.

This game while not great, has a lot of charm and if you ask me is pretty enjoyable. I'm honestly not doing this to be against the grain or anything silly like that. The games most people hate that I like I actually honest to god enjoy. I'm not doing it just for the hell of it, so to prove this to you. I plan to review what I consider to be my second least favorite game on the NES (behind Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde) so look for that soon, and try to guess what it is. Here's a hint the AVGN reviewed it! BYE NOW!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Adventures of Bayou Billy (1989)

I have to make a confession, when I first got my second NES in like 1998 or so this was one of the first games I ever got, and I had to use a game genie to beat it. Yes. There. It's out in the god damn open. I cheated like George W. Bush did in the 2001 election! No, I don't really care if he did or didnt because really all politians are scummy crooks who shouldn't be listened too. All of em. So yes, back to Bayou Billy. It was tough for me then. Really tough, that's why I had to use the game genie. And I had fun with the game when I was using the game genie and not so much the other way around. Anyway, I ended up getting rid of that copy along with a bunch of other games. (for a shitty broken dreamcast I could never get to fucking work. Ever)  and I must say something else that is shocking! VERY SHOCKING! but it will have to wait till the next paragraph.


The Adventures of Bayou Billy is yet again another game the world hates with a blinding sexual passion of a thousand suns yet I honestly really like. They complain that it's too hard (Just go to the practice stage. Trust me, It'll help you out a lot) And well heres the SHOCKER. The second time I played through Bayou Billy. I beat it, that's right, but I HAD NO GAME GENIE! THAT'S RIGHT! I beat this game without a game genie. And it didn't take me months, or years or even a decade like it did with TMNT (the original game) nope. It took me less than a fucking week. Seriously, maybe I've just asended to NES God status in those years between playthroughs but I didn't think it was that hard. You just really need to get the fighting down pat and the game becomes a cinch, the other two modes of play are not hard in the slightest.


That's right, Bayou Billy is one of the many games that had different modes of play. And I'm pretty sure it was the first too! It had Double Dragon/TMNT2-3 like beat em up stages. Zapper shooter stages (seriously the poor Zapper never got any love, it was such a neat thing too. I still love that PKang noise it makes. So much. I want a thousand zapper salute when I die!) and driving stages. If you ask me the only tough part of this game were the fighting stages and if you ever got them down pat the game was easy as hell. The  Zapper stages are cake walks and the driving stages were not much harder. I dunno, maybe I'm just crazy.

I'd advise anyone who hates this game to give it another shot. Maybe I'm just a retarded Konami fanboy but I think it's still a pretty good title. Not perfect, but pretty good. Also here's a few intrestesting things about BAYOU BILLY I found out about on the internet, it had a comic book! for five issues (and I have the final issue). He was in a lot of episodes of Captain N (and Captain N said he couldn't beat Bayou Billy. God what a loser!) and well no one send any republicans to my house to beat me with a sack of door knobs because of what I said about George W. Bush!

Amagon (1988 / 1989)

This game has gotten hated on since I started using the internet to research what NES games to buy (despite all the negative reviews I still bought it and well you'll see what I thought of it in a second!) and well the opinion on this game has been overwhemlingly negative. It was hated back in the days of regular text reviews on websites and it's hated now on video reviews. Also many gay jokes related to the fact the main character is pink. Really guys are we 12 years old or what? Seriously that's just silly! Anyway today we talk about Amagon the absolutely favoritest game of cracked8ball (also if you couldn't tell that was sarcasm then you need to get out more)


Amagon is well, yet another game the world dislikes but I like. I'm not saying this is going to blow your socks off and make you go HOLY DICKS THIS IS THE GREATEST THING EVER MADE AND I WANT TO SUCK THE DICKS OF EVERYONE WHO HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT. No, that's not going to happen. It'll just give you a simple decent time. That's it. This game isn't great. This game is at best above average, but I really seriously don't know why it's so disliked. It's got a nice bit of weird charm (seriously some of the enemies in this game are the weirdest you'll see on the NES) and frankly it's just a nice simple game.


Amagon is like Contra (and to be fair if anyone read my blog they would probably freak out about me comparing Contra to Amagon. Chill, I think Contra, Super C, and hell EVEN CONTRA FORCE are better games than Amagon, but Amagon is a run n gun platformer, just like Contra!) and it doesn't do action based platforming crazyness as well as Contra but it's still got a neat gimmick too. Yes, you can choose to do the run N gun aspect OR you can pick up points and get this item to turn you into this crazy ass muscle man that could probably murder the entire Spartan army if he felt like it. Thankfully, Amagon is a good guy! Amagon boasts decent graphics, music that is very god damn catchy. Seriously that shit is like the Duck Tales theme song. Get it stuck in your noggin and it won't ever leave. Never. Good play control, the only problem is the games challenge is really lopsided, as Amagon it's incredibly hard, but as Megamon, it's insanely easy. It's kinda crazy.

Anyway, Amagon is a decent little time waster. It won't knock your socks off like Contra or something but It's worth a look. I mean really, it's one of those games that are stuck in your used game store for a goddamn dollar. Seriously if your really that damn poor that a dollar will break your bank than you shouldn't even be using the fucking internet. (also intresting (at least to me) is that the final boss (look at the last image in the review) is supposedly based around the Flatwoods Phantom, a supposed space alien that appeared at a town called Flatwoods in 1952. Wild stuff eh?. Also I found that theres a place in Arkansas called Amagon! Pointless facts ahoy!)

Zoda's Revenge: StarTropics II (1994)

 I am not like most NES fans in the fact that I mourned the end of the console. For well one reason in 1994 I was way too busy playing my Super NES to care that the NES was dead as a doornail. I think 9 years is a good run for a console (hell If I recall correctly the system stayed alive for a few more years in Japan. Hell they are still making NES pirates in random countries all over the world so in a way the NES is still kinda alive!) Also The second fact is that the NES had 770 or so games released in North America, along with about 30 or so only released in Europe. That's 800 games. That's enough games to keep you occupied for a very long time. And to be honest they will never re-release the NES because simply it wont make them any money. So be happy you get your Virtual Consoles and totally radical new 8-bit Mega Man games. Also the NES was pretty lucky as it went out with a bang not a whimper as two of the last three games were damn good. And the last game released (Sunday Funday) barely counts as it was just a shitty revamp of fucking Menace Beach anyway I've talked enough about this for now so lets get to today's game.


Zoda's Revenge is the first and sadly only sequel to Star Tropics (ARE YOU LISTENING NINTENDO? I WANT STARTROPICS 3 FOR THE WII!)  Star Tropics was one of my favorite games when I was a kid and I'm glad to see that many other people enjoy both the original game and the sequel. I also have to say that even if this game was a pile of shit I'd still love it, because I love stories that deal with Time Travel, weither in books, movies or video games. It's just something I love, but there are other reasons to love Zoda's Revenge. The decent music, the pretty good graphics, the good gameplay, the controls that have been improved from the original (as much as I like that game I do think the controls in it are very damn wonky) and fun entertaining dungeons with really neat boss monsters!

Again, I don't have much to say about this game as there aren't many flaws in my mind. It's just simply a great game and if you enjoyed Star Tropics you need to give Zoda's Revenge a shot. It's a pretty easy game to pick up and is worth it. I'm still mad they didn't make Super Star Tropics. Damn you Nintendo! And with this review my weird review a game starting with the 26 letters of the alphabet is over. We had some laughs, we had some tears but overall it really kinda sucked and I probably won't be doing it again. Or at least pick a game I want to review instead of some fucking shitty ass sports game. Fuck sports games... uhh... where was I? Oh yeah. Go get Zoda's Revenge.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Yo! Noid (1990)


I never had Domonio's Pizza until I was like 23 or 24 years old. It took until I was a goddamn adult to get the most famous pizza store other than Pizza Hut in my town. If you want my gross fat man's opinion, the pizza itself was pretty good, I'm just amazed it took it 24 years to get to my town. That's crazy, but yeah, I'm mentioning this because I'm talking about the NES game Yo! Noid, which was based around the mascot of the company from the late 80s and early 90s. Yes, it's another licensed game that the internet hates so much but guess what. I LIKE IT. yep, it's another positive review of a game people hate.

Yo! Noid isn't the only game that's was based around the Noid, there was another game for some computer system that I never owned so I never played this game so I can't say anything about it. Also this game was totally different in Japan. The entire game was totally reworked into a new game so if you enjoyed this game I think you should check out the other version, even though I haven't played it. Yo! Noid is yet another game from my favorite company Capcom. Great music, great graphics. Challenge is a bit on the annoyingly hard side thanks to the one hit kill thing, but I don't think it's that too hard, you just gotta put a bit more time into beating it than other games. The play control is pretty good too.


The only problem I have with this game is the god damn fucking shit eating annoying as hell Pizza Boss stages. In every odd stage (I think it's odd) you have to do battle with a Noid and eat more pizzas then him. You pick pizza cards and try to out do him. These stages are both annoying and god damn boring. Really incredibly tedious and they seriously take you out of the game.  These are the worst boss battles on the NES just because they bother me so much. Other than this annoying thing I really enjoyed this game and I think you should give it a chance instead of listening to some youtube asshole reviewing it for laughs which they never get. NEVER GET I SAY, okay I don't want to talk about how bad most of the youtube reviewers are, so I'll shut up and say that you should give Yo! Noid a shot, it's pretty damn cheap, like $5 or so.