Thursday, March 10, 2011

Conan (1990)

I should first preface this review by saying that yes I do enjoy Robert E. Howard's Conan. Bobby may have been a troubled man but he did some fine work, admititly I've never read any of the original stories, only their adaptations through the 1970s Marvel comic series, but that series was awesome. And so was the movie, the original 1982 one, not the mediocre sequel (which was written by Gerry Conway and Roy Thomas...why did you do that guys??) I have no idea if this game was based around either of those movies or what, mostly because I can barely find any information about this game anywhere.


This game was published by Mindscape who if it werent for THQ and maybe Hi Tech, would get my vote for worst NES company. Sure they published Paperboy, but they didn't program it, and everything else they touched was not very good, I don't know what games they actually made by themselves, but I sure as hell know that except for the Paperboy game they didn't publish a single game that was worth owning. This game was made by System 3... and I have no idea who they are, and I've never played a single other game by them, which is something I'm very glad for. Yes, I, like every other person who played this steaming pile, am putting it on a list of worst games on the NES.


Yes, Conan, or Conan: The Mysteries of Time is quite honestly one of the worst games for our beloved system. Ugly, ugly graphics. Seriously, I can barely tell what any of this shit is supposed to be. This was 1990. Mario 3 was out. BLASTER MASTER was out. Shit, this looks like a game from 1984. No that's a goddamn insult to Clu Clu Land. THIS GAME LOOKS LIKE IT COULD BE PLAYED ON A COLECOVISION or some other shitty system people seem to jerk off over. Yeah, I just sassed the Colecovision. DEAL WITH IT. (I sure like my capital letters) The music is forgetable, really bland stuff that you won't remember seconds after you turn off the game, but I could easily forgive those factors if it wasn't for some of the worst controls in history. In this game you have to press up to jump, and that's not too bad, but Conan does this weird super jump that's really hard to get down correctly, and I sure as hell am not playing this garbage to get it down pat. I'll leave that to the one sad sack that actually likes this game (I'm sure they are out there somewhere)

I don't really know how to end this review, so I'm just going to say instead of spending the $10 for this semi-rare game I'd go buy some old Conan comics or maybe even the original movie starring Ahhhnuld, You get to see him cut off James Earl Jones's head! How cool is that?!?! Much cooler than this stupid game.

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