Friday, January 21, 2011
Ikari Warriors (1986)
There are many many things in this world that I will never ever understand. Why the tv show Friends was so popular is one. Quantum Physics is another, but to be honest I don't think anyone really understands that shit, and another one of the many things I will never get is why Ikari Warriors is so god damn fucking beloved and considered a classic. I do not, and will never understand that. You know every game I've reviewed that people consider shitty. Yeah, they deserve the classic status more than this ugly ugly game does. In fact fuck it, if Ikari Warriors is considered a classic, so is fucking Dick Tracy, because Dick Tracy is a better goddamn game by leaps and bounds. Fuck.
I've not played the original arcade game, and there's a pretty good reason for that. Where I grew up the only good arcade machines where at the fucking Airport, and there were only a handfull of times I was ever at the Airport, and if I recall correctly, I wasn't there for very long. They used to have one in the mall, but it kinda sucked except for the awesome Simpsons arcade game, so I don't know much about arcade games and all that, I've only played a handful of them on MAME, which I can't get to work anymore because I'm a moron. Oh well, I'll stick with the ports on the NES, as most of them were pretty good. You know, except for this piece of shit.
Yes, I consider Ikari Warriors, your beloved Ikari Warriors to be a huge goddamn runny, messy, turd. This fucking piece of shit got 72th on the top 100 NES games on IGN. I wouldn't even put this in my top 600 for fuck sake. I'd even put those boring ass sim games about china above this one. At least they don't put me to sleep as quickly as this pile of rat shit does. You want reasons why this game sucks? Here's many. The graphics are fucking horrible. I don't like to pick on the graphics for these games because they are 25 years old, but FUCK this games graphics are totally upstaged by every other game that was made during that time. Seriously, all of the games made in 1985-1986 had better graphics than this piece of shit. Better music too. No I could forgive all of that if your character didn't move at a snail's pace. The one hit death thing I can deal with, the fact he moves slower than my grandma who's been dead for 51 goddamn years is fucking shitty. That's why this game can suck my gonads, that slow ass motherfucker.
Ikari Warriors would return twice more on the NES, and to be fair, both of those games were better, but not by much. I truly consider Ikari Warriors to be the worst, least fun, and not enjoyable on any level trilogy of games on the NES. Most trilogies had one good game, a lot of them had even two, and in the case of something like Mario or Lolo, all 3 games were worth getting. That's not the case with Ikari Warriors, all three games are better left on the game shelf, that's right. I'm pretty sure this is one of the 3 games I'm going to tell you not to even bother with. Enjoy being stuck with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Dragon's Lair you worthless piece of cow shit.