Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Bomberman (1985/1987)

I've been dreading this review, but I might as well get it out of the way now. I haven't been dreading this review because I don't really know what to say about classic games because everyone has said everything you can possibly say about Mario or Zelda, no I've been dreading this review because I really do not get a single ounce of enjoyment out of the original Bomberman. That's right, I'm giving the original Bomberman a bad score. So if any of you Bomberman fanatics out there want to call me a worthless asshole cockbag then I guess you can easily just click on comments because I'm not stopping this review! the world must know that the first Bomberman title for the NES sucks a wet fart out of a dead dogs ass.


I say the original Bomberman because even though there were two games that came out before this one and both of them came out for a console that not a single person outside of Japan ever owned so I've never played them, and I don't really care to play them because the game I thought was the original Bomberman is honestly really bad. I don't like saying this. I LOVE Hudson Soft. I really like Bomberman II. I like Super Bomberman. I like Super Bomberman II. What I'm trying to say is that despite the fact I do not like this ugly ugly game I'm glad it was made because all of the sequels improved on this one so much. So very fucking much.


The biggest problem with this game is that I seriously don't find it fun, in fact I find it annoying and tedious, which isn't a very good combo at all. Seriously everything about this game lulls me into a deep sleep. The ugly graphics, the fact every level is the same, the fact it's incredibly simplistic, I know I've said I like incredibly simplistic games like Pac Man and Popeye and Donkey Kong, but this goes past simple and ends up going full retard. Oh ho ho, stealing lines from movies #1 Anyway, thats really it. I just find the original Bomberman to be a rather dull lifeless title and I don't believe anyone has beaten all 50 levels in this game without going insane, and the continue function doesnt fucking help either because the goddamn thing has like 7,600 fucking letters you have to remember in it. I don't think fucking people with a photographic memory could remember passwords in this stupid game.

I don't really know why this game bores me but it's sequel doesn't, maybe it's the fact the sequel has different levels, more enemies and changed everything. I do get enjoyment ouf ot Bomberman II and I plan to review it, just like every other stupid NES title, except the sports games, because every one of them except Baseball Stars would get a F grade from me, just like this stupid piece of shit. Fuck the original Bomberman, fuck it in its stupid fucking ass.

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