Friday, January 20, 2012

Metal Gear (1988)

Metal Gear for the NES is a tricky, tricky beast... I can remember this game way back in the GLORY DAYS OF THE NES SCENE (god I'm so fucking absolutely lame it hurts doesn't it?) and it was seen as a classic... years passed and people starting dissing and hating on the game... Weird.. personally, I can see where they are coming from but I still think the NES port of Metal Gear is a mighty fine game and is pretty fun to boot. Also I should point out that I have not played Metal Gear Solid and I don't really care too. At all. Ever. I'm a very weird person as the fact that pretty much 98% of games made after the DAYS OF THE SEGA GENESIS/SUPER NINTENDO... make me go to sleep... even classic games like Zelda OoT... I'm sure that SUPER CONTROVERSIAL OPINION would bother someone....if anyone actually read this shit.

Well, Uh.. I guess I should get back on track and realize we aren't talking about Zelda:OoT (which is a boring game, admit it. Zelda 2 is better. ADMIT THAT TOO!) I'll start off with the positives... the biggest draw of this game is being a spy is a really fucking cool idea, and I think they pulled it off pretty well here. You pretty much have to move around all stealth like and pick up items that will help you out in the later parts of the game. I also must admit that I think the plot to the NES version of this game is absouletely fucking hilarious. It's about a guy named Vermin Kataffy (GUESS WHO THEY ARE MAKING FUN OF HERE... IT'S VERY HARD TO FIGURE OUT... I SHOULD ALSO STOP USING THE CAPS LOCK KEY) The music is great, I think it fits the mood pretty easily... and the graphics are top notch for the time the game was made. Pretty much everything that should be right with a NES game is right with this one. It's only one big flaw that kinda keeps this game from reaching all time classic status...

And that flaw is the fact the in text game is so insanely poorly written that well, sometimes you have no god damn clue what to do next. It's like Castlevania 2 (another pretty good game admittedly) in that the text that is supposed to help you find your way around.....uh... DOESN'T... And the games world is pretty large so you can get lost pretty easily. Of course, I don't mind bothering the hell out of the many people I know on facebook with constant comments of WHERE THE HELL DO I GO NEXT IN METAL GEAR? Yeah yeah, I know A REAL MAN would have brute forced his way through the game but I'm a pussy. I ADMIT IT. Hell I DOWNLOADED THE DAMN RAINBOW BRITE MOVIE. That's how lame I am. Anyway, the fact you can get lost easily, really doesn't break this game. I don't know how much better the MSX2 versions in text game is either. Because I can't get an emulator of that working. At all. Of course I'm a complete chump who couldn't get anything working. God, why am I so mean to myself? Oh that's right, years of constant negativity towards me has made me think I really do suck... uh.. where was I again? This isn't therapy... It's supposed to be a damn game review.

Uh... anyway... what are my final thoughts on Metal Gear, in case you really don't want to read that large rambling wall of text I wrote (in which I wouldn't really blame you) I think Metal Gear is a worthy title to add to your NES collection, and despite the fact everyone working for Vermin Kataffy is a lunatic who tells you thinks like "I FELL ASLEEP" and sometimes you can easily get lost. It's still a kick ass game where you get to be a spy... I mean how many games do you get to be a spy in??? Okay fine... a lot... like the sequels to this game and Spy Vs. Spy.... so I'll rephrase that question... HOW MANY GAMES TO YOU GET TO BEAT Muammar Gaddafi IN... ??? that's right... NONE, except this one. So get this goddamn game. Or I will probably be sad. REAL DAMN SAD. and no one wants a weepy fat man around them...


  1. The boss really isn't "Vermon CaTaffy," it's just that Konami USA/Ultra Games didn't give a shit about the people who bought their games back in the NES days, so they would just make up whatever stupid ass back story they felt like in their manuals.

    As a million people have already stated, this game was made without Hideo Kojima's (the series' creator) consent, approval, or involvement, and as a result is a comparative trainwreck compared to the original. Still, it's the only version we got in the USA until the MSX version was re-released on cell phones and came as a bonus with the special edition of MGS3, and if you were playing in 1988 and actually used the pack-in map that came with the original game, the only parts you would get stuck on are the jungle mazes.

  2. I got to the "I feel asleep" part in the game and gave up.

  3. Despite what the instruction manual says, you are NOT fighting Vermon CaTaffy, because this was one of the many mistakes that Konami's American publisher, Ultra Games, used to make in their instruction manuals, as they always made up hilariously stupid plots of their own due to their habit of not taking their games seriously, making several jokes at its expense and paying absolutely no respect towards the developers' original intentions! In fact, the sequel Snake's Revenge also fell into this trap, as its manual said you were fighting Higharolla Kockamamie, though you actually fight Snake's dad Big Boss in the game itself.