SOMETHING BIG WOAHHHH

That's right.

After almost three fucking months I've decided to come back to you!

I finally have an idea I think will be interesting. I shall finally review every Youtube reviewer. and those fellas at That Guy With The Glasses. So check back uh... soon to see what I think of these fools.

Monstrosity (1987)

Andy Milligan was a very interesting man. I seriously mean that. The dude had got to be a little out of his mind. I mean no one who was completely sane could create a movie like this. Monstrosity was created by a very weird individual... and I think that's why I liked it. I'm a very weird individual... and I would probably make a movie as batshit crazy as this one. Seriously, I gotta hand it to Mr. Milligan, he wrote, directed AND created the sets and costumes for all of his movies... too bad all of his movies are just too goddamn weird for most people. Thankfully, I'm not most people.

The movie starts off rather serious and sane... it's about a bunch of punks that go around doing punk things, like murder and rape. Anyway, they end up raping Mark's girlfriend, and later on kill her.. Which you know pisses Mark off (you know rightfully so) and well he and his friends create a Frankenstein like Monster named Frankie that they use to kill the punks. That doesn't sound too weird, in fact it sounds rather mundane, and it is (although still entertaining) the movie doesn't get balls to the walls weird until the last 30 minutes... and as much as I would like to tell you what happens. I just can't. It simply must be seen to be believed.

The movie isn't acted very well, or directed very well, but I didn't really expect it to be, however, the movie is very entertaining, mostly because of how weird it is. Anyway, I'd say give Monstrosity a shot, it's a pretty enjoyable piece of trashy fun. I give it two thumbs up, yeah, how do you like that ROGER EBERT, YOU JAWLESS FUCK.

RoboCop (1988 / 1989)

Well, I did something earlier this week, something that no human being should do... I watched an Irate Gamer episode... yes, I watched a unfunny man flail his arms around and yell at old video games. Old video games that weren't even that bad, but I don't really care what games they trash as long as they are goddamn funny, and the Irate Gamer isn't goddamn funny (although I don't see how half of them were ever funny, Armake21 is about as funny as the Irate Gamer... but people loved Armake... Oh well, who really cares)

Anyway, it all ties into this review, The Irate Gamer's latest episode is about the 1989 (I think, I'm too lazy to boot up the game to find out) NES game RoboCop. RoboCop, for you that do not know is not only one of the coolest action films ever, it's also one of the smartest, AND IT'S GOT THE DAD FROM THAT 70S SHOW (which the Irate Gamer mentions and then makes stupid jokes about the rest of the cast... and they had nothing to do with the movie... or the game) Anyway, I don't fucking need to tell you about RoboCop. You already know about it, if you havent seen it. Stop reading this shit and go see it! Now!

RoboCop for the NES is actually a pretty decent game, made by Ocean... a company I think is actually worse than LJN and published by Data East, a very mediocre company who made games I truly hate like Karnov. I think I may hate Karnov more than Hitler hated jews. or more than the Tea Party hates Obama. And that's a goddamn lot. Anyway, let's get to the game. RoboCop does a lot of things right. It's got nice graphics, good music and sounds and controls well. Most people will harp on the fact you can't jump, but the game is made so you dont fucking need to Jump you dumb sons of bitches.

Anyway, this wasn't much of a review, was it? Anyway, I got some stuff ready to be posted in the upcoming days.. and I mean it too! Tomorrow will have an update! Not a good one though, but if you expected good things from this blog by now than you are truly truly stupid.

The Galaxy Invader (1985)

I must say that I love the movies of Baltimore's Don Dohler. They were all ridiculously cheesy films, but for the most part you could tell everyone was having a lot of fun making these movies. Fiend, Nightbeast and The Alien Factor are three really enjoyable B-movies that you should check out if you like that kinda shit. I'm still glad I have a bunch of movies he's made to still check out but it's a shame he won't be making any more because of his death in 2006.

Today I will be looking at his fourth motion picture, the 1985 oscar winning classic The Galaxy Invader... and by oscar winning I mean shot on video movie nobody has given a shit about ever. Except weirdos like myself. Anyway this is to be fair, of the four movies I've seen by Donny, the weakest... which isn't too fair because the others are all a whole lot more entertaining. First, I'll start with the positives. I fucking love the character of Joe Montague, a redneck that sounds like Jimmy Stewart (well sometimes he does and sometimes he doesnt..) I doubt they were trying to make this character funny, but he ends up being a hoot. Everyone else in this movie except him and his pal Frank Custard, well, they kinda suck and aren't entertaining in the least. I also think the Monster is pretty cool, but Dohler always made cool monsters... and I wish it had a little more to do in the movie but it's still okay. I probably like him because for some reason he reminds me of Moss Man from He-Man.

There seems to be a lot of scenes that are totally useless and not very interesting. I'm going to be honest, while I kinda did like this movie, I have to say that it does drag in parts. A lot of parts, but the more amusing moments do make up for the slow lulls. At least that's what I believe. Anyway, in the end, The Galaxy Invader shouldn't be the first movie you see by Don Dohler, check out the other three I mentioned beforehand, if you liked them, than you should give this one a shot. It's not great, but I was still amused enough to write a semi-positive review of it.

Fuck You, Colonel Computron...

I really think people of the early 1980s thought that computers were a god damn gift from heaven that with them you could do fucking anything... and that's talking about computers from the early 1980s.. The ones that are so hilariously outdated 30 years later. Anyway, I'm discussing peoples weird thoughts about computers because I'm going to talk about Colonel Computron... the worst villain of the Flash. Ever.

The Flash has the greatest set of bad guys ever. Seriously, I love every single one of them. Except this loser. This weirdly drawn, uninteresting, ugly looking loser. I can't even blame the creator of this guy because he wrote some damn fine Flash stories... and created Rainbow Raider and the Eliminator... two rather enjoyable Flash villians... and those guys had personality... which is something this asshole lacks.

That's pretty much the only reason I can't stand this guy, he's fucking boring. That's it, give him some more personality and he could be an interesting character, but that's not going to happen now because they killed him off and I doubt any human being is clamoring for the return of Colonel Computron... and if you are, fuck you. Also it took about 6 or 7 years for them to reveal the identity of this guy... 7 years and only because they pretty much forgot about him. That's right. This guy was forgotten, which just goes to show how damn boring he really was. I can't stress how boring this guy was, so I will just mention it again. Colonel Computron was so boring that I forget what his actual powers are, all I know is that he was one of the three suspects a fat man, a fat woman, or a teen aged girl... and I don't care enough to look up to see who his real identity was, I'd rather save those 5 seconds searching wikipedia. and do something better with them. Like well, anything!

In short, fuck Colonel Computron... and I'm sorry you had to read this horrible thing.. I'll try to write something better next time.

Hell High (1989)

Well, here I am again with yet another update for the month of May. Yes, I know I should update this stupid blog more and I do plan on trying to do so, but I get lazy and forget about this thing for a few weeks and then come back with some piece of mediocre writing and that's being nice! Anyway today I have a fine little piece of 80s cheese for you, It's Hell High from 1989, starring a bunch of people you've never heard off. But it's still worth your time to watch!

If you were to go by the comments made by Internet Movie Database users, than this movie is the worst film ever! Seriously, some of the venom given to this movie would make you think it was directed by Adolf Hitler and not some guy who worked on the 1984 classic Up the Creek! (yeah I liked that movie, got a problem with that!?) anyway, I'm always amazed by what people consider the worst movie ever made. It's always usually a movie I can glean some enjoyment from. I dunno, maybe I have the terrible taste here and should be shunned from society, or maybe this movie really isn't that terrible.

The plot here is rather simple. It's about a teacher who as a little girl accidentally caused the deaths of two people. And as you can tell it kinda fucked her up really good, She ends up spending most of her time alone when not teaching. Anyway, she teaches a class that star our cast of teens. Who are complete god damn assholes. Shit, one of them attempts RAPE for crying out loud! And I think that's what made this move interesting, none of the characters are likable, yet the actors do an entertaining job of playing them. Anyway, the teacher ends up slapping the head of the gang and that causes him to want revenge, because he's a petty fucker.

And well, his revenge ends up costing him his life, because well, what they do ends up having her go coo coo for coco puffs... and she kills them all. That's it really. The death scenes aren't really that amazingly graphic, but I don't care too much for that really. I enjoyed this movie because the characters were entertaining, the pace was quick, and the acting was a bit better than usual. There were some stupid moments but fuck what goddamn 80s slasher movie didn't have moments that made you scratch your head? Here's the answer.... not a single god damn one.

Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle & Friends (1992)

"Well, it's time to tackle this beast" I thought to my self earlier today. The game I consider to be the worst licensed title on the NES, and then I replayed it, and while it's bad, it's not as bad as I remembered. While this review wont be as venomous and negative it could have been if I didn't replay this game, it's not going to be very positive either. It still has many many problems which should have been fixed before they put it out to stores.

Anyway, I'm sure you know of Jay Ward's famous creations, Rocky & Bullwinkle. I loved these guys as a kid and I would watch their show every single day I could. I remember getting up ass early on school days to watch this and other shows (it would cause me to fall asleep in class and get Mr. Kelly mad at me but I really didn't give no fucks. Which totally explains the terrible grammar and spelling I have, doesn't it?) Anyway, I had fond memories of these guys, and well, the game doesn't do them justice no how, no way.

First to be fair, I kinda like how they made the graphics cartoony... like the show, but couldn't they have done a better job? It was 1992 for fuck sake, seriously, look at Contra, Mike Tyson, and Mega Man. GAMES OLDER THAN THIS ONE WITH BETTER GRAPHICS? I don't usually harp on graphics because it's the fucking NES and they all look like shit in comparison to the new fancy shit, but these graphics just end up looking ugly. The show didn't have the greatest animation, but it sure didn't look as ugly as this shit. God damn you Radical Entertainment (I'm also finding out that it seems T*HQ was like LJN and they just published games and never made any, and I do think T*HQ is worse... yes, I SAID IT) Another thing is that, maybe it changes if you get farther in the game, I don't see any of the friends in the game. No Dudley Do Right. No Peabody and Sherman. None of them. I really think you could have made some neat levels and bosses and everything relating to the characters in this show, but nope, you get boring barren levels with a bunch of random bad guys thrown in every 10 or so feet, which you can easily fly over. Wooo. Exciting. And just to throw this out there, the Hit detection kinda sucks and you can get stuck in an enemy and get hit over and over. Now that's annoying.

Anyway, the game to be fair controls fine when you are playing as Bullwinkle, but when you are Rocky and you want to do his flying move, you go all over the fucking place and that's very annoying when you have to make small jumps on small platforms. It makes you want to break all of your Nintendo games and kill a small dog. And I don't think that's a good thing, but when you aren't flying, The game actually controls well. Weird huh? Also another complaint is that the bombs you get to throw don't work very well, and Bullwinkle's power which works really well makes you lose health and then get killed by one of those big fucking gangster assholes. God damn those fuckers.

Is this game worth owning? Not really. It may be an interesting conversation piece if you are like a number 1 Rocky and Bullwinkle fan, but if you owned this one, you'd have to buy the SNES version (which is even worse), the Genesis version (which I have never played) and the Game boy version (which I have also never played). I personally am a fan of the show and I just wish they left the characters alone, or got some good game company to develop the game. Like anyone besides god damn fucking Radical Entertainment.