Predator (1987)

MANLY AS FUCK.

I should probably preface this review by saying I am a big fan of the Predator movies. All of them. The one with Arnie. the one with Danny "I'm too old for this shit" Glover. The newest one. Even those movies no one likes where they fight the Aliens. I even like them. That's how much I like this franchise. I should also mention that I like other games by the company that programmed this game (Pack-In Video) I like the Friday the 13th game for the NES, despite all the bashing it gets. I think despite its flaws, it was a neat title. I also enjoyed the Die Hard game, but I'll leave the pros and cons of that experience for another review.

I don't remember a blueberry Predator from the movies.

I'll get into Rambo (which while not a  good game, is hilarious to me for so many reasons) in another review when I actually sit down and beat that game. Anyway, if you haven't caught on yet, today's final review will be Predator for the NES... and boy oh boy am I going to give this game a lashing. A very good hard lashing. Because it seriously god damn deserves it. First off. the graphics look like puke (also why the fuck is Arnie pink. Yeah, I know everyone and their mother has commented on that fact, but the thing is... IT'S STILL FUCKING STUPID TO BE WEARING PINK IN THE GOD DAMN JUNGLE.) Everything else looks drab and boring... hell some of the things I can't even tell what they are.

Seriously. PINK!

Also the games controls suck shit. Arnie likes to slip and slide all over the place making it HARD AS BALLS to do those jumps (also did I mention I beat this turd of a game... I seriously need to get a life don't I ?) The level design is just balls. Seriously. So many parts you WILL get stuck because of a shitty placement of rocks which you will need the grenade to get out of (and trust me... that thing fucking sucks shit out of my dogs ass) The music... is honestly not completely terrible. It's not good, but it's the best part of the game for sure. It's mundane and forgettable but it won't drive you to kill anyone. It's just there.

WOO BIG MODE!!

Also before I go I must mention the other part of this game. Every four levels you get into a Big Mode, it's a weird shooter segment... It really is not that good either, but it's more fun than playing those impossible and stupid levels. I'm pretty sure they knew that no human being could ever play through every level of this game and thats why they add in level warps. And believe me, YOU WILL need them. Every single god damn one of them. To clue up this review of this terrible atrocious game, I must say that I do not like this game. Most people who play it don't like it. I can only find one other person who likes it (Hi Rob!). Anyway, I'd leave this game be. I know I say to try out games even if I say they are no good, but really I consider this to be one of the worst and least fun NES games out there. And I like Dick Tracy and Total Recall. So that's saying a goddamn lot.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Tournament Fighters (1993)

First off, I must confess a dirty secret I've been hiding for years, I don't like Street Fighter. or Mortal Kombat. or any of those fighting games. I don't really think I've enjoyed a single fighting game. You know why? I'm fucking terrible at every single one of them. I don't profess to be the greatest at video games, but I have beaten my fair share of hard platformers, puzzle games, and RPGs. I've beaten stuff that most people gave up on. And I'm sorry to say this to Konami, but I don't really like this game either. The last game they ever published for the NES. And you know me, I'm a big goddamn fan of the Konami games on the NES. I like The Adventures of FUCKING Bayou Billy for christ sake. That should tell you a LOT.

But you know what, the thing is, this is the only fighter I ever really beat. Yes, it's so easy that a man who can't get past one fight in any other fighter, can beat this, without dying. That's pretty god damn easy, but that's not a problem for me. I love many easy games. I've talked about a bunch of them before on this blog of mine. The main problem with this game is that, honestly, it's kinda boring. I know it's not great to use the term boring to describe something, but it fits this game to a tee. This game is just uninteresting. The fighters really don't do much for me, as I don't think I was watching the TMNT cartoon in 1993, and have no idea who any of these characters are. Except the turtles of course. Anyway. I guess I'll talk about some of the positives.

The graphics, while not spectacular, are still a good jump ahead of the last TMNT game, BUT around this time companies were making the most out of the NES graphics chip, and even other later post 1991 Konami games looked better. They are still pretty decent, it's just I do think that Konami could have done way better. That's all. One thing I will say in this games favor is that I really do like the music and think they did a pretty good job with it. All the tunes were really good and memorable, of course that's Konami for you. I don't think I've ever seen a Konami game with bad music in it. I think the music is the only really good part of this game. And that's a shame.

It's a really big disappointment that not only was the last TMNT game on the NES, not a very good game. It was also the last Konami game. That's incredibly sad to me. Anyway, I don't think my not enjoying this game has anything to do with my bias of not enjoying fighters that much. Finding them annoying and kinda boring. Or maybe it is. Anyway, I'd say give the game a shot anyway, like I usually do as people have different tastes in all kinds of shit, but Nintendo Age and Ebay made this game worth like 564306350342 dollars, so I'm just gonna go tell you to emulate it and if you think it's worth that much money, then spend it..

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: The Manhattan Project

That's correct. You're eyes are not deceiving you! You have not lost your mind (although wanting to read my stuff makes me wonder if your completely sane) That's right, I'm actually back! I'm actually writing this review! Yes sir! Yep. I have no excuses other than laziness. Complete and utter laziness. I just was too lazy to even bother to update the blog, yet again, but I figure I'm gonna come back and do it again, because I really don't want to be a lazy fucker anymore and I want to do things and finish shit I said I was going to do. Anyway, enough with that mini-rant. It's time to review another TMNT game.

I'm sure you know about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I'm sure I've said what they were in the other two reviews for the previous games that I did, but you know what, I'm going to tell you again, just to make it look like this review was actually thought out (which is probably the funniest thing I've ever said), the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was a comic book created to parody the comics of the day. It ended up being a huge hit and ended up becoming a cartoon show I watched the absolute hell out of as a youngster. I'm sure the cartoon is probably really stupid and terrible but I still love it. Anyway four games for the NES were made based around the TV series. And today's entry into this shithole is known as TMNT 3: The Manhattan Project.  And if you're sick of reading this review, I'll give you the low down right here. It's a game worth owning.

Yeah, It'll all probably depend on how much you liked the TMNT2: The Arcade Game, because really it's pretty much the same as this, just this one has better graphics and I like the music better.. If you are like some people (well I've only heard one person ever say this) you'll probably decry it as boring because the levels are the same and you're just beating up foot soldiers. I can't really agree with that, because the levels are different, they are never totally overlong. They do add in new baddies to fight. Different foot soldiers who do different Attacks. The rock solider guys. And others. Also this beat em up has some of the most enjoyable bosses to fight. They will probably kick you in the dick many times before you beat it, BUT after you get their pattern down the game becomes a piece of cake. Also the game is a lot of fun with another player and that adds in alot of replay value. Anyway, I'd say If you liked Part 2, give this one a whirl, if you didn't, pass on it. Anyway, I'm back and I hope this time it's for real.

WOOILO

Uh.. yeah. I said I'd bring this blog back and I will.

Some new reviews coming soon.

Duck Tales, Predator, Adventures of Dino Riki, and MAYBE A SNES GAME REVIEW COMING SOON.

Metal Gear (1988)

Metal Gear for the NES is a tricky, tricky beast... I can remember this game way back in the GLORY DAYS OF THE NES SCENE (god I'm so fucking absolutely lame it hurts doesn't it?) and it was seen as a classic... years passed and people starting dissing and hating on the game... Weird.. personally, I can see where they are coming from but I still think the NES port of Metal Gear is a mighty fine game and is pretty fun to boot. Also I should point out that I have not played Metal Gear Solid and I don't really care too. At all. Ever. I'm a very weird person as the fact that pretty much 98% of games made after the DAYS OF THE SEGA GENESIS/SUPER NINTENDO... make me go to sleep... even classic games like Zelda OoT... I'm sure that SUPER CONTROVERSIAL OPINION would bother someone....if anyone actually read this shit.

Well, Uh.. I guess I should get back on track and realize we aren't talking about Zelda:OoT (which is a boring game, admit it. Zelda 2 is better. ADMIT THAT TOO!) I'll start off with the positives... the biggest draw of this game is being a spy is a really fucking cool idea, and I think they pulled it off pretty well here. You pretty much have to move around all stealth like and pick up items that will help you out in the later parts of the game. I also must admit that I think the plot to the NES version of this game is absouletely fucking hilarious. It's about a guy named Vermin Kataffy (GUESS WHO THEY ARE MAKING FUN OF HERE... IT'S VERY HARD TO FIGURE OUT... I SHOULD ALSO STOP USING THE CAPS LOCK KEY) The music is great, I think it fits the mood pretty easily... and the graphics are top notch for the time the game was made. Pretty much everything that should be right with a NES game is right with this one. It's only one big flaw that kinda keeps this game from reaching all time classic status...

And that flaw is the fact the in text game is so insanely poorly written that well, sometimes you have no god damn clue what to do next. It's like Castlevania 2 (another pretty good game admittedly) in that the text that is supposed to help you find your way around.....uh... DOESN'T... And the games world is pretty large so you can get lost pretty easily. Of course, I don't mind bothering the hell out of the many people I know on facebook with constant comments of WHERE THE HELL DO I GO NEXT IN METAL GEAR? Yeah yeah, I know A REAL MAN would have brute forced his way through the game but I'm a pussy. I ADMIT IT. Hell I DOWNLOADED THE DAMN RAINBOW BRITE MOVIE. That's how lame I am. Anyway, the fact you can get lost easily, really doesn't break this game. I don't know how much better the MSX2 versions in text game is either. Because I can't get an emulator of that working. At all. Of course I'm a complete chump who couldn't get anything working. God, why am I so mean to myself? Oh that's right, years of constant negativity towards me has made me think I really do suck... uh.. where was I again? This isn't therapy... It's supposed to be a damn game review.

Uh... anyway... what are my final thoughts on Metal Gear, in case you really don't want to read that large rambling wall of text I wrote (in which I wouldn't really blame you) I think Metal Gear is a worthy title to add to your NES collection, and despite the fact everyone working for Vermin Kataffy is a lunatic who tells you thinks like "I FELL ASLEEP" and sometimes you can easily get lost. It's still a kick ass game where you get to be a spy... I mean how many games do you get to be a spy in??? Okay fine... a lot... like the sequels to this game and Spy Vs. Spy.... so I'll rephrase that question... HOW MANY GAMES TO YOU GET TO BEAT Muammar Gaddafi IN... ??? that's right... NONE, except this one. So get this goddamn game. Or I will probably be sad. REAL DAMN SAD. and no one wants a weepy fat man around them...

RoboCop 3 (1993)

I'm pretty suer I've seen RoboCop 3... back when it came out on video (remember that?!? god I feel old) in 1993 (god that was almost 20 years ago. Damn) but my memory of such events is no longer with me... so who knows If I ever saw it or not. Anyway, public opinion of RoboCop 3 is not positive in the slightest... pretty much everyone who likes RoboCop thinks its the worst of the three... Maybe I should watch it and probably enjoy it to show the world that I truly do have the worst taste in motion pictures ever. I mean if I can enjoy Asylum of Terror than I can enjoy ANYTHING.

However we are not here to talk about movies today! We are here to discuss the NES game! Yes! RoboCop 3, like the previous two entries did infact get A NES game in the second last year of the NES's life. I do believe some of the BEST NES games were created in the last 4 years of the systems life, but RoboCop 3 is sure as hell not one of them. Now I'll start with the positives. The graphics are fine... although a bit drab, however I am glad they changed the sprite to make it look different than the previous game. RoboCop's sprite in the second game looked so incredibly derpy that it was funny. The music isn't really great but not terrible. It's pretty much the definition of passable. It won't make you go running out of your house screaming in abstract terror at how bad it is, but you won't be listening to it when you aren't playing the game.

To be fair, if it wasn't for this one problem, this game could be a tolerable, hell even fun little title. The problem I have with it is that the god damn jumping mechanics in this game are fucking horrendous. You seriously have to get to the edge of any platform to jump or you will fall and get the shit fucked right out of you. It's pretty god damn annoying which causes me to not want to play this game. Still I somehow beat this game because I have serious mental issues. That and I have nothing else better to do. Before I end out this review, I must say that this is a more enjoyable game than RoboCop 2... but if you honestly want a good RoboCop game, well I'd recommend the original game... which I did review a few months ago. Anyway, it feels good to be back talking about these games no one cares about... So expect to see more reviews in the upcoming days...

THE BITCH IS BACK WOOOOOO

This is a PM I got from a guy I hate on a forum that's going away... and thanks to him I'm bringing back this blog out of spite. So I'll post some new review tomorrow. Probably of the NES game RoboCop 3 because I did cover the other ones (unless I did talk about that one too and I forgot, could easily have happened...) anyway, look forward to some SNAZZY NEW SHIT.