RoboCop 3 (1993)

I'm pretty suer I've seen RoboCop 3... back when it came out on video (remember that?!? god I feel old) in 1993 (god that was almost 20 years ago. Damn) but my memory of such events is no longer with me... so who knows If I ever saw it or not. Anyway, public opinion of RoboCop 3 is not positive in the slightest... pretty much everyone who likes RoboCop thinks its the worst of the three... Maybe I should watch it and probably enjoy it to show the world that I truly do have the worst taste in motion pictures ever. I mean if I can enjoy Asylum of Terror than I can enjoy ANYTHING.

However we are not here to talk about movies today! We are here to discuss the NES game! Yes! RoboCop 3, like the previous two entries did infact get A NES game in the second last year of the NES's life. I do believe some of the BEST NES games were created in the last 4 years of the systems life, but RoboCop 3 is sure as hell not one of them. Now I'll start with the positives. The graphics are fine... although a bit drab, however I am glad they changed the sprite to make it look different than the previous game. RoboCop's sprite in the second game looked so incredibly derpy that it was funny. The music isn't really great but not terrible. It's pretty much the definition of passable. It won't make you go running out of your house screaming in abstract terror at how bad it is, but you won't be listening to it when you aren't playing the game.

To be fair, if it wasn't for this one problem, this game could be a tolerable, hell even fun little title. The problem I have with it is that the god damn jumping mechanics in this game are fucking horrendous. You seriously have to get to the edge of any platform to jump or you will fall and get the shit fucked right out of you. It's pretty god damn annoying which causes me to not want to play this game. Still I somehow beat this game because I have serious mental issues. That and I have nothing else better to do. Before I end out this review, I must say that this is a more enjoyable game than RoboCop 2... but if you honestly want a good RoboCop game, well I'd recommend the original game... which I did review a few months ago. Anyway, it feels good to be back talking about these games no one cares about... So expect to see more reviews in the upcoming days...

THE BITCH IS BACK WOOOOOO

This is a PM I got from a guy I hate on a forum that's going away... and thanks to him I'm bringing back this blog out of spite. So I'll post some new review tomorrow. Probably of the NES game RoboCop 3 because I did cover the other ones (unless I did talk about that one too and I forgot, could easily have happened...) anyway, look forward to some SNAZZY NEW SHIT.

SOMETHING BIG WOAHHHH

That's right.

After almost three fucking months I've decided to come back to you!

I finally have an idea I think will be interesting. I shall finally review every Youtube reviewer. and those fellas at That Guy With The Glasses. So check back uh... soon to see what I think of these fools.

Monstrosity (1987)

Andy Milligan was a very interesting man. I seriously mean that. The dude had got to be a little out of his mind. I mean no one who was completely sane could create a movie like this. Monstrosity was created by a very weird individual... and I think that's why I liked it. I'm a very weird individual... and I would probably make a movie as batshit crazy as this one. Seriously, I gotta hand it to Mr. Milligan, he wrote, directed AND created the sets and costumes for all of his movies... too bad all of his movies are just too goddamn weird for most people. Thankfully, I'm not most people.

The movie starts off rather serious and sane... it's about a bunch of punks that go around doing punk things, like murder and rape. Anyway, they end up raping Mark's girlfriend, and later on kill her.. Which you know pisses Mark off (you know rightfully so) and well he and his friends create a Frankenstein like Monster named Frankie that they use to kill the punks. That doesn't sound too weird, in fact it sounds rather mundane, and it is (although still entertaining) the movie doesn't get balls to the walls weird until the last 30 minutes... and as much as I would like to tell you what happens. I just can't. It simply must be seen to be believed.

The movie isn't acted very well, or directed very well, but I didn't really expect it to be, however, the movie is very entertaining, mostly because of how weird it is. Anyway, I'd say give Monstrosity a shot, it's a pretty enjoyable piece of trashy fun. I give it two thumbs up, yeah, how do you like that ROGER EBERT, YOU JAWLESS FUCK.

RoboCop (1988 / 1989)

Well, I did something earlier this week, something that no human being should do... I watched an Irate Gamer episode... yes, I watched a unfunny man flail his arms around and yell at old video games. Old video games that weren't even that bad, but I don't really care what games they trash as long as they are goddamn funny, and the Irate Gamer isn't goddamn funny (although I don't see how half of them were ever funny, Armake21 is about as funny as the Irate Gamer... but people loved Armake... Oh well, who really cares)

Anyway, it all ties into this review, The Irate Gamer's latest episode is about the 1989 (I think, I'm too lazy to boot up the game to find out) NES game RoboCop. RoboCop, for you that do not know is not only one of the coolest action films ever, it's also one of the smartest, AND IT'S GOT THE DAD FROM THAT 70S SHOW (which the Irate Gamer mentions and then makes stupid jokes about the rest of the cast... and they had nothing to do with the movie... or the game) Anyway, I don't fucking need to tell you about RoboCop. You already know about it, if you havent seen it. Stop reading this shit and go see it! Now!

RoboCop for the NES is actually a pretty decent game, made by Ocean... a company I think is actually worse than LJN and published by Data East, a very mediocre company who made games I truly hate like Karnov. I think I may hate Karnov more than Hitler hated jews. or more than the Tea Party hates Obama. And that's a goddamn lot. Anyway, let's get to the game. RoboCop does a lot of things right. It's got nice graphics, good music and sounds and controls well. Most people will harp on the fact you can't jump, but the game is made so you dont fucking need to Jump you dumb sons of bitches.

Anyway, this wasn't much of a review, was it? Anyway, I got some stuff ready to be posted in the upcoming days.. and I mean it too! Tomorrow will have an update! Not a good one though, but if you expected good things from this blog by now than you are truly truly stupid.

The Galaxy Invader (1985)

I must say that I love the movies of Baltimore's Don Dohler. They were all ridiculously cheesy films, but for the most part you could tell everyone was having a lot of fun making these movies. Fiend, Nightbeast and The Alien Factor are three really enjoyable B-movies that you should check out if you like that kinda shit. I'm still glad I have a bunch of movies he's made to still check out but it's a shame he won't be making any more because of his death in 2006.

Today I will be looking at his fourth motion picture, the 1985 oscar winning classic The Galaxy Invader... and by oscar winning I mean shot on video movie nobody has given a shit about ever. Except weirdos like myself. Anyway this is to be fair, of the four movies I've seen by Donny, the weakest... which isn't too fair because the others are all a whole lot more entertaining. First, I'll start with the positives. I fucking love the character of Joe Montague, a redneck that sounds like Jimmy Stewart (well sometimes he does and sometimes he doesnt..) I doubt they were trying to make this character funny, but he ends up being a hoot. Everyone else in this movie except him and his pal Frank Custard, well, they kinda suck and aren't entertaining in the least. I also think the Monster is pretty cool, but Dohler always made cool monsters... and I wish it had a little more to do in the movie but it's still okay. I probably like him because for some reason he reminds me of Moss Man from He-Man.

There seems to be a lot of scenes that are totally useless and not very interesting. I'm going to be honest, while I kinda did like this movie, I have to say that it does drag in parts. A lot of parts, but the more amusing moments do make up for the slow lulls. At least that's what I believe. Anyway, in the end, The Galaxy Invader shouldn't be the first movie you see by Don Dohler, check out the other three I mentioned beforehand, if you liked them, than you should give this one a shot. It's not great, but I was still amused enough to write a semi-positive review of it.

Fuck You, Colonel Computron...

I really think people of the early 1980s thought that computers were a god damn gift from heaven that with them you could do fucking anything... and that's talking about computers from the early 1980s.. The ones that are so hilariously outdated 30 years later. Anyway, I'm discussing peoples weird thoughts about computers because I'm going to talk about Colonel Computron... the worst villain of the Flash. Ever.

The Flash has the greatest set of bad guys ever. Seriously, I love every single one of them. Except this loser. This weirdly drawn, uninteresting, ugly looking loser. I can't even blame the creator of this guy because he wrote some damn fine Flash stories... and created Rainbow Raider and the Eliminator... two rather enjoyable Flash villians... and those guys had personality... which is something this asshole lacks.

That's pretty much the only reason I can't stand this guy, he's fucking boring. That's it, give him some more personality and he could be an interesting character, but that's not going to happen now because they killed him off and I doubt any human being is clamoring for the return of Colonel Computron... and if you are, fuck you. Also it took about 6 or 7 years for them to reveal the identity of this guy... 7 years and only because they pretty much forgot about him. That's right. This guy was forgotten, which just goes to show how damn boring he really was. I can't stress how boring this guy was, so I will just mention it again. Colonel Computron was so boring that I forget what his actual powers are, all I know is that he was one of the three suspects a fat man, a fat woman, or a teen aged girl... and I don't care enough to look up to see who his real identity was, I'd rather save those 5 seconds searching wikipedia. and do something better with them. Like well, anything!

In short, fuck Colonel Computron... and I'm sorry you had to read this horrible thing.. I'll try to write something better next time.