Predator (1987)

MANLY AS FUCK.

I should probably preface this review by saying I am a big fan of the Predator movies. All of them. The one with Arnie. the one with Danny "I'm too old for this shit" Glover. The newest one. Even those movies no one likes where they fight the Aliens. I even like them. That's how much I like this franchise. I should also mention that I like other games by the company that programmed this game (Pack-In Video) I like the Friday the 13th game for the NES, despite all the bashing it gets. I think despite its flaws, it was a neat title. I also enjoyed the Die Hard game, but I'll leave the pros and cons of that experience for another review.

I don't remember a blueberry Predator from the movies.

I'll get into Rambo (which while not a  good game, is hilarious to me for so many reasons) in another review when I actually sit down and beat that game. Anyway, if you haven't caught on yet, today's final review will be Predator for the NES... and boy oh boy am I going to give this game a lashing. A very good hard lashing. Because it seriously god damn deserves it. First off. the graphics look like puke (also why the fuck is Arnie pink. Yeah, I know everyone and their mother has commented on that fact, but the thing is... IT'S STILL FUCKING STUPID TO BE WEARING PINK IN THE GOD DAMN JUNGLE.) Everything else looks drab and boring... hell some of the things I can't even tell what they are.

Seriously. PINK!

Also the games controls suck shit. Arnie likes to slip and slide all over the place making it HARD AS BALLS to do those jumps (also did I mention I beat this turd of a game... I seriously need to get a life don't I ?) The level design is just balls. Seriously. So many parts you WILL get stuck because of a shitty placement of rocks which you will need the grenade to get out of (and trust me... that thing fucking sucks shit out of my dogs ass) The music... is honestly not completely terrible. It's not good, but it's the best part of the game for sure. It's mundane and forgettable but it won't drive you to kill anyone. It's just there.

WOO BIG MODE!!

Also before I go I must mention the other part of this game. Every four levels you get into a Big Mode, it's a weird shooter segment... It really is not that good either, but it's more fun than playing those impossible and stupid levels. I'm pretty sure they knew that no human being could ever play through every level of this game and thats why they add in level warps. And believe me, YOU WILL need them. Every single god damn one of them. To clue up this review of this terrible atrocious game, I must say that I do not like this game. Most people who play it don't like it. I can only find one other person who likes it (Hi Rob!). Anyway, I'd leave this game be. I know I say to try out games even if I say they are no good, but really I consider this to be one of the worst and least fun NES games out there. And I like Dick Tracy and Total Recall. So that's saying a goddamn lot.