Contra Force (1992)

                                                                               
This is the first Contra game I'm reviewing AND the first game in a major series that I'm going to review. At least I think thats the case. I don't remember every stupid game I review, I throw this shit out in like 10 minutes for my three raving crazy fans. I don't get why they read this but hey, this is for them. A review of the Contra Force game. The Contra game most people do not like at all! Do I? YES. I like this stupid game. I really do, we will get to that later, but for now I think I should talk about this games history for a bit. This wasn't going to be a Contra game originally, it was originally going to be called Arc Hound in Japan, but Konami decided not to make the Japanese version and just call this a Contra game. And I'm glad they did because this game is fucking awesome and everyone who disagrees can eat my dick (I'm just joking here. Feel free to dislike whatever stupid shit you want too.. I'm just doing this to make this paragraph look bigger. Ain't I a stinker?)

                                                                             
I think I should start with the biggest flaw of this game. The flaw that some people think is a game breaking flaw. THE SLOWDOWN. yes, sometimes this game goes slower than humanly possibly so slow that you think your nintendo has broken and you have to open the ol' girl up and fix her. I never got why people called their cars girls or stuff like that, but to me if you can get past that flaw you get a pretty decent, enjoyable little action game. With great graphics and pretty good music and a decent challenge. This isn't has hard as either of the first two Contra games (to be fair, not as good either!)  The thing about this game that I love is the fact you can pick through four characters (and here's a hint to make the game easier, when one character loses a life just pick another! You get extra lives that way! NEATO EH!?) and frankly I fucking love it when games put in extra characters for you to play as AND it's even better when they aren't carbon copies of the other characters and have reasons to be in the game. I love SMB2 (probably my favorite of the Mario games), Little Samson, and Bucky O Hare so fucking much. I don't love this game as much as those games but I think it's a good little game.

                                                                              
I don't think this game is worth the going price thanks to Ebay/Nintendoage fuckers. Seriously, this game goes for like $40 now. Maybe I'm just a cheap fuck but there aren't many games worth that goddamn much. These games are old as fuck, they shouldn't be more than $5, but thanks to fuckers who think these games will be an investment (seriously thats what they call them?!) and pushes the price of them up higher and higher. These people just want these fucking games to say they have them. Not to play them. I may have a lot of games but I PLAY THE STUPID THINGS. Even shitty fucking Castleian. Or whateever that stupid title is, my point is, fuck NintendoAge and fuck them hard. In the goddamn asshole. WITH A RUSTY DILDO. I don't know how a dildo gets rusty but I hope they get fucked by one.