Hell High (1989)

Well, here I am again with yet another update for the month of May. Yes, I know I should update this stupid blog more and I do plan on trying to do so, but I get lazy and forget about this thing for a few weeks and then come back with some piece of mediocre writing and that's being nice! Anyway today I have a fine little piece of 80s cheese for you, It's Hell High from 1989, starring a bunch of people you've never heard off. But it's still worth your time to watch!

If you were to go by the comments made by Internet Movie Database users, than this movie is the worst film ever! Seriously, some of the venom given to this movie would make you think it was directed by Adolf Hitler and not some guy who worked on the 1984 classic Up the Creek! (yeah I liked that movie, got a problem with that!?) anyway, I'm always amazed by what people consider the worst movie ever made. It's always usually a movie I can glean some enjoyment from. I dunno, maybe I have the terrible taste here and should be shunned from society, or maybe this movie really isn't that terrible.

The plot here is rather simple. It's about a teacher who as a little girl accidentally caused the deaths of two people. And as you can tell it kinda fucked her up really good, She ends up spending most of her time alone when not teaching. Anyway, she teaches a class that star our cast of teens. Who are complete god damn assholes. Shit, one of them attempts RAPE for crying out loud! And I think that's what made this move interesting, none of the characters are likable, yet the actors do an entertaining job of playing them. Anyway, the teacher ends up slapping the head of the gang and that causes him to want revenge, because he's a petty fucker.

And well, his revenge ends up costing him his life, because well, what they do ends up having her go coo coo for coco puffs... and she kills them all. That's it really. The death scenes aren't really that amazingly graphic, but I don't care too much for that really. I enjoyed this movie because the characters were entertaining, the pace was quick, and the acting was a bit better than usual. There were some stupid moments but fuck what goddamn 80s slasher movie didn't have moments that made you scratch your head? Here's the answer.... not a single god damn one.

Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle & Friends (1992)

"Well, it's time to tackle this beast" I thought to my self earlier today. The game I consider to be the worst licensed title on the NES, and then I replayed it, and while it's bad, it's not as bad as I remembered. While this review wont be as venomous and negative it could have been if I didn't replay this game, it's not going to be very positive either. It still has many many problems which should have been fixed before they put it out to stores.

Anyway, I'm sure you know of Jay Ward's famous creations, Rocky & Bullwinkle. I loved these guys as a kid and I would watch their show every single day I could. I remember getting up ass early on school days to watch this and other shows (it would cause me to fall asleep in class and get Mr. Kelly mad at me but I really didn't give no fucks. Which totally explains the terrible grammar and spelling I have, doesn't it?) Anyway, I had fond memories of these guys, and well, the game doesn't do them justice no how, no way.

First to be fair, I kinda like how they made the graphics cartoony... like the show, but couldn't they have done a better job? It was 1992 for fuck sake, seriously, look at Contra, Mike Tyson, and Mega Man. GAMES OLDER THAN THIS ONE WITH BETTER GRAPHICS? I don't usually harp on graphics because it's the fucking NES and they all look like shit in comparison to the new fancy shit, but these graphics just end up looking ugly. The show didn't have the greatest animation, but it sure didn't look as ugly as this shit. God damn you Radical Entertainment (I'm also finding out that it seems T*HQ was like LJN and they just published games and never made any, and I do think T*HQ is worse... yes, I SAID IT) Another thing is that, maybe it changes if you get farther in the game, I don't see any of the friends in the game. No Dudley Do Right. No Peabody and Sherman. None of them. I really think you could have made some neat levels and bosses and everything relating to the characters in this show, but nope, you get boring barren levels with a bunch of random bad guys thrown in every 10 or so feet, which you can easily fly over. Wooo. Exciting. And just to throw this out there, the Hit detection kinda sucks and you can get stuck in an enemy and get hit over and over. Now that's annoying.

Anyway, the game to be fair controls fine when you are playing as Bullwinkle, but when you are Rocky and you want to do his flying move, you go all over the fucking place and that's very annoying when you have to make small jumps on small platforms. It makes you want to break all of your Nintendo games and kill a small dog. And I don't think that's a good thing, but when you aren't flying, The game actually controls well. Weird huh? Also another complaint is that the bombs you get to throw don't work very well, and Bullwinkle's power which works really well makes you lose health and then get killed by one of those big fucking gangster assholes. God damn those fuckers.

Is this game worth owning? Not really. It may be an interesting conversation piece if you are like a number 1 Rocky and Bullwinkle fan, but if you owned this one, you'd have to buy the SNES version (which is even worse), the Genesis version (which I have never played) and the Game boy version (which I have also never played). I personally am a fan of the show and I just wish they left the characters alone, or got some good game company to develop the game. Like anyone besides god damn fucking Radical Entertainment.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1991)

As you may know, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes was a series of low budget B-grade horror comedies. They were to be completetly honest, only somewhat entertaining, with Return of the Killer Tomatoes being the best of the lot, still they are a semi-famous and popular series of films, making 4 entries into the series and in 1991, A cartoon series (which I have never seen a single episode of, unless my memory is lying to me.) and thanks to the cartoon series we get this not so good NES title.

Yes, there was an Attack of the Killer Tomatoes NES game, and it was on some other systems too, but I'm too lazy to check which ones and I don't really care. I have no idea if those systems had better versions or what not, but to be fair, you would have to try pretty hard to make a worse game than this. To start off I'll be fair. I kinda like the music and the graphics, they do their job and aren't eyesores to look at. The challenge is pretty fair, and if you are an experienced game player you could probably beat this in a day.

The problems this game has is well the jumping is really weird and takes a lot of time to get used too. You'll end up jumping the wrong way on bad guys A LOT in this game before you get used to the way its supposed to be done. And the other big problem is that this game isn't all that fun. It's just rather mundane. I wish they had done something more with this license. You just get 5 levels, 2 of them being boring ass levels you find in any other NES game. I dunno, I think you could have come up with some crazy levels for an attack of the Killer Tomatoes game, I mean the last 3 levels are a bit weird, but I dunno, I expected weirder. And for it to be a whole lot longer too.

Anyway, I don't really hate this game unlike most other people. I don't like it either. In fact this is the game I completely forget about and I'm always amazed that I own a copy of. It's pretty much one of the many NES games that you forget actually existed, and that's not a good thing. Also the fact they didn't add in the guy who constantly had the parachute on in this game is a god damn tragedy.

The Evil (1978)

Holy hannah! I'm actually updating twice in one day. Well, twice in two days. Betcha all thought you'd see another update in August or something. Well, I guess you were all wrong! ALL THREE OF YOU! Anyway I decided to update again because well I just saw a rather entertaining horror film and decided to let you all know about it's glory! It's called The Evil (I'm sure you could tell from the title of the review...) and it was made in 1978 by a man named Gus Trikonis. I wish my name was Gus. It also stars Richard Crenna and the guy who played King Tut in the 1960s Batman tv series. And a bunch of other people who I don't care about and neither should you.

I'm not exactly the biggest fan of movies that take place in Haunted Houses... not to say that I dislike them. I did enjoy the House on Haunted Hill remake... (yes I said something positive about a remake... I should be tortured!) but they aren't really my first choice when it comes down to deciding what movie to watch ... I think it has something to do with how much I didn't like any of the Amityville Horror movies I saw (and I'm pretty sure I saw them all except for the second movie and the one about the clock...) and there were like 77,000 of them. Watching that many bad haunted house movies could sour a person on the whole idea of haunted house related fiction.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this movie. It's about a team of Doctors who go to this old house to fix it up... and it turns out to be haunted... BY SATAN HIMSELF... AHHH... but yeah, Richard Crenna (who does a fine job in this movie) plays an atheist who pretty much tries to make up any other reasoning for whats going on in the house... and well everyone gets knocked off one by one until it's only his wife and the ghost of the former owner of the house ready to beat the Devil!!! (who's played by King Tut! how cool is that!) Anyway, I liked this movie because it had some pretty good acting, a pretty good story, and unlike those goddamn Amityville Horror movies things actually happened in this movie. I don't know about anyone else, but I just remember being deathly bored by those movies. Also the characters are all really likeable and the pace never lets up..

You have a bunch of choices when it comes to this movie, you can pick up the old VHS copy OR get it on a DVD with the movie Twice Dead... I don't know how the quality of the DVD is but YOU GET TWICE DEAD... Totally worth it. Stop reading this stupid piece of garbage review that I shit out in twenty seconds and go watch this movie. Or don't I really can't say I care.

Double Dragon 3 (1991)

Well... It's time for another review of another game most people hate except for me, but first I must talk about Double Dragon, at least the original two games for a second... I think they are two of the BEST NES games on the system, and I think a lot of the dislike of this game comes from the fact that it's not even half as good as its predecessors. Not even 1/3 as good, but to be fair, it's up against two games that are damn perfect... and while it's not as good, and is a bit of a disappointment, I fail to see how Double Dragon 3 is a BAD game.


One thing I do like about this game is that it has some really good music. The music isn't as good as the first two games (especially part 2) but it still has some really good memorable tunes. I think I like the first level music the most. And the graphics are pretty good too, they are pretty much the same as Double Dragon 2's graphics. A few things I don't really like about this title is that it's ass blastingly hard. Like seriously hard, it can be beaten (and I've done it) but the fact you get one continue to get anywhere in it is crazy. I consider Princess Noiram (CAN YOU GUESS WHO SHE REALLY IS... HINT: IT'S MARION) and it will take you a lot of damn practice and effort to beat this game, but it can be done. You'll probably lose some hair from stress.

Also I don't like most of the bosses in this game, they aren't really hard except for the last two, and aren't half as interesting as bosses like Arnie or Abobo or Machine Gun Joe (that was the name of the second lass boss in the original game right? I love the way that guy looks!)... fuck it it may be petty, but this game loses a lot of points because it has no Abobo.. Maybe a petty reason but damnit this is my blog and this is my stupid review and I can be angry at a game for any dumb reason and if you don't think so you can go eat shit. A whole load of it. Also this game is a bit shorter than the others which I didn't really like. A few more levels coulda helped it a bit... oh well.

Anyway, Double Dragon 3 may be very short, and it may have a final boss that I thought was completely impossible (until I somehow beat her) but it does have some good music, good graphics and most of all, if you ask me, the game is pretty fun. It's not as good as the other Double Dragon games on the NES... which even includes Battletoads / Double Dragon: The Ultimate Team... but being the last in a series of very good games is nothing to be ashamed off. So I'd say that Double Dragon 3 is a very solid title and worthy of being in your collection.

Shot on Video Horror Movies PART 1!!!

Yes, it's another part 1 that will probably never be continued! Today I shall be looking at a few Shot on Video horror movies from the 1980s and 1990s. Shot on video movies were incredibly, incredibly, low budget made by people who had way too much free time, some were damn awesome, and some sucked shit out of a hippo's ass, just like every other type of film out there, and during the 1980s, they made so god damn many of these that I can't keep track of them. I seriously think that despite not having the larger budgets of studio movies, SOV films were still pretty enjoyable and have oodles of charm. So let's talk about a bunch of them today, some good and some well, not so good.

This is probably my favorite shot on video movie. Either this or it's sequel. It's just a balls to the walls crazy movie, filled with tons of silly gags and silly characters, however unlike the sequel this, at least from what I remember, TRIED to be a bit serious but either way the camp value of this movie is through the god damn roof. I love Howard & Eli. Also this movie was made because of something some lady said to Gary Cohen, the director, she was all like is this movie ok for my children? and Gary said it had tons of decapitations and shit in it, and she was like, but no nudity, and he said no, and well she rented it. I wish my mother was like that! Anyway, this movie is pretty neat, it's about a couple who move into a crazy hillbilly town and open up a video store. Seeing all those beautiful movies I used to rent (and want to rent) made me so happy. I want to be buried in that video store! Uh... okay... that's just a tad creepy there Mikey... anyway, it turns out that all the people in the town make snuff films... It's just a very silly, but entertaining little horror comedy.

Well, here we have the sequel to Video Violence.... the aptly titled Video Violence Part 2: When Renting is Not Enough... I don't know if thats supposed to be the tagline or part of the title, but I'm too lazy to change it, so thats the way it stays! Anyway, the sequel is more of a comedy than the original movie. A silly ass comedy that is still more amusing then the Big Bang Theory. OH SNAP, SON! Anyway, Howard and Eli, the guys from the first movie are back and for some reason or another own a tv station. That just shows snuff videos people make... don't really think too hard about that plot, because no one who starred in the damn movie cared either! And that's the way I like it! Plots are for girly men and wussies! Also I have no idea what else to say about this movie except that I was amused by it and felt that I didn't waste my 90 minutes, which is all I ask from a movie... so I'll just move on to the next movie.

This was the first SOV movie I ever rented! And I didn't finish watching it because I couldn't get over the fact it was so low budget... of course back then I didn't like Big Trouble in Little China or the original Sleepaway Camp, or many other movies that I think are the bomb-diggity now... so in other words, Little Mikey Lake was a dumbass and I want to punch him in his 15 year old face. That jerk. Anyway, I've recently rewatched this movie, or I should say, finally seen it all, and I don't know what my problem was, this movie won't make you into Captain I Love B-Movies or anything, but if you already like them, it is a serviceable hour and a half of entertainment. It's not great, but the acting is a bit better than you see in SOV movies, and it seems to be a bit more competent in the film making part of it all. Anyway, This movie is enjoyable, even if the plot, which is about a killer cult, has been done 1,000 times. And before I go on to the last movie I must tell you that no, this wasn't the first SOV horror movie, Boardinghouse and Sledgehammer and I'm sure 6,000 others were made before this one.. but if you enjoy your SOV shenanigans I think Blood Cult is a worthy addition to your collection.

This is one of the rarest VHS tapes out there, going for like 90 or so bucks on ebay... I'd check it out but really I don't care enough to do so... I just felt like writing shit, not checking out how much really bad movies like this one go for. I think a porno movie company made this movie, but again I don't care about this stupid movie enough to check if that information is true or not, anyway, Spine is the last movie I'm going to talk about in this stupid article, and if you couldnt tell from reading the above, I did not save the best for last, in fact so far I think this may be my least favorite SOV horror film. It's not entertaining, it's not interesting, it's not even well made in any sort. I could probably make a more entertaining, interesting, and better made movie than this, in fact, I'm sure I could. The plot is your usual slasher stuff that you've seen done better in about a 1,000 other movies. A bearded maniac hates women... blah blah... don't care... wish I had 80 mintues of my time doing something a lot better, like masturbating in my own feces or watching He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. Anything except watching this unenjoyably boring heap of crap.

Yeah, I think I might talk about a few more, so this article may actually get a sequel, unless I forget about it...

The Brain (1988)

Well I've ranted about how much I don't like NintendoAge in a terrible little opinion piece that you can see below, but I don't suggest you check it out, of course I don't suggest you read a single thing I write but that piece was really bad. Guess thats what happens when you decide to do things out of the blue! But to make up for it (or to try to make up for it) here is a review of a very entertaining B-Movie from the late 1980s, The Brain. Also because I don't care, this review has spoilers, so read at your own risk!!!

I don't know where I first heard of this movie, probably on the old Joblo forums, which I don't really post on any more (but sometimes will still visit, I try to post but it's not really the same anymore. I miss the old timers.) but I forget who first told me about this movie, so I ended up trying to find a copy, and I never did, mostly because my town kinda sucks for finding movies in, at least movies I'd want to watch, but thankfully to the internet I now have seen the Brain, and can easily say that it is a great B-Movie. It stars a giant killer Brain, Dr. Carl Hill from Re-Animator, who can over act anyone. EVER. If you don't believe me, check out the movie Syngenor, he's seriously the best part of that movie. By far. In this movie, he plays it cool as one of two aliens who want to take over the earth using mind control. They set by creating a TV show called Indepentant Thinking and The Brain pretty much takes over anyone who watches it's mind.

Now comes our hero, Jim Majelewski, who is played by Tom Bresnahan, who stared in movies like Mirror Mirror and Twice Dead... So in other words only movies I could ever give a shit about! Hoooray! Anyway, Jim is a likeable son of a gun who plays pranks on the Principal at his school once too often and gets himself into a whole heap of trouble! More trouble than he ever imagined! Yes, the only person who can stop Dr. Blakely, The Brain, and his fat assisstant (who did voices on Babar and X-Men cartoons. POINTLESS INFORMATION AHOY!) is a wise cracking prank pullin teenanger! Jim is actually a really likeable guy and his girlfriend (played by Cydny (way to misspell your own name idiot) Preston) is a cutie, who was in Prom Night 3 and did the voice of Princess Zelda on the old cartoons! I must say Jimmy got himself a winner!

What makes this movie enjoyable is the characters are incredibly entertaining, the pace never lets down for a moment, and it's got a killer giant Brain, so stop reading this terrible excuse for a review and go watch this movie you bastards!