Dragon's Lair (1990)

                                                                              
The original Dragon's Lair was like an interactive cartoon. You could choose what Dirk the Daring would do, which made for a really neat little game, maybe not high on the reply value because after beating it once you'd know what to do, but I'm told the game sucked up a lot of quarters back than, and I wish I was around to have played it. Seemed like a very neat idea, but I'm sure if you are visiting this blog you are already nerdy enough to know about Dragon's Lair and the animation by Don Bluth (who went on to animated The Secret of Nimh, The Land Before Time, All Dogs go to Heaven, and An American Tail. All classics of cinematic beauty if you ask me.) and I'm pretty sure if you showed him this game it would kill him. Seriously he's an old man. He'd probably commit suicide or die of a heart attack seeing this filth ruin his ideas.

                                                                          

Yes, for you people who want to see me scream at an old video game are in luck. Today we are reviewing what I consider to be the second worst NES game of all time, the NSTC version of Dragon's Lair (you'll see why I mention that version in particular)  and I must be fair and start out with the positives, and yes youtube reviewers even this game has positives. The graphics are decent, nice and cartoony but I think they are also a little grainy, it's kinda hard to explain but they feel really grainy to me, still despite that the graphics aren't too bad. The music is decent enough too. MotiveTime (the actual people who programmed this shit) did an alright job there too. So far they are not doing too badly! BUT THEY WILL BE

                                                                            

You see, this game is plauged by a horrible problem. Your character moves to god damn slow. I mean that, add in the fact that your character also dies by touching pretty much everything (except bats) and is way too big causes a lot of deaths and frustration. And you know what is the really god damn annoying thing, the fact that the game runs twice as fast in Japan and PAL countries meaning they got a game where the character actually moves at a god damn mother fucking normal pace. That's god damn shitty isn't it? Damn, but yes, the controls are fucked, the challenge is fucked, the fun factor is fucked, the game play is totally fucked. so when all those things are fucked it doesn't really matter that the graphics and sound are decent.

I don't think you should waste a cent on this game and most people agree with me, but I figure you should give it a shot on an emulator or if you find it very cheaply, you never know if you may be one of the 2 people out there who could possibly be able to enjoy this game, but stranger things have happened. Now if you excuse me, I'm sick and tired of talking about this game, so I'm going to change gears a bit. Next up is a game I don't really like but don't really hate, in fact it's just very mediocre! What game is that!? YOU'LL SEE.

Gilligan's Island (1990)

                                                                              
 I liked Gilligan's Island when I was a kid. No I didn't watch it originally, I'm not that fucking old, but in reruns, sadly it feels like something I'd probably not be able to enjoy now, just for one reason: Gilligan. Seriously, the guy made it so these people were trapped for god damn years on a deserted island. You could be the nicest son of a bitch ever born and you'd probably ring his scrawny ass neck after he screwed up a few times. I don't see how he got to live after screwing up so many fucking times. I mean I'm sure Alan Hale could have taken his scrawny ass any day of the week. If you can easily look past this and enjoy the show fine, you won't get no guff from me for enjoying something I don't. Life's too short to pick apart others opinions and shit. Unless their opinion is like black people and gays and jews shuold be exterminated. Then I'd probably have a problem with that. Also take out the probably. Also I think you should know that we are going to discuss the 1990 NES game Gilligan's Island. Also I use the word Also a lot.

                                                                        
This is also a not very well liked video game, but honestly it's yet another one that I like. Maybe it's the absurdity of a Gilligan's Island game (seriously it's a weird idea for a show let alone a video game), or maybe I'm easy to please. I probably am, I don't really enjoy being negative (yet oddly enough I've gotten a reputation for being negative. Strange how that shit works out eh?) Either way, I think this game is pretty enjoyable. It was programmed by Human Entertainment (at least according to Wikipedia) who would go on to make The Fireman (a pretty good PAL-Only SNES game) and well while this game isn't perfect (I'll go into those reasons later) but I think it's neat. Not many games like this. Every level or "episode" is a maze where you have to find the characters from the show and do errands for them along with finding the boss of the level. I honestly think that's really neat, and I feel that the time limit for the most part is pretty fair. The last level is really hard because you need to do everything perfectly within the  time limit but for the most part the time limit in this game is fine. I also think the graphics are decent enough, not spectacular but you can easily tell which character is which. The music isn't great but is listenable.

                                                                               

OK, now for the negatives, first off the bosses kinda suck and are pretty easy once you figure out their pattern. The enemies aren't even that hard to dogde or anything and mostly you'll die trying to figure out where to go (there is a map once you press pause but first off you have to find where everyone is.) which is kinda sucky. Also if you didn't hate Gilligan before you will now. No joke, you will probably want to dig up Bob Denver's grave and throw his skeleton around a little. Gilligan follows you around, and if you lose him you HAVE to go back and get him. AND you WILL lose that bastard a lot. So pick up a lot of ropes because they will bring Gilligan back to you automatically.. You'll thank yourself later.

This game while not great, has a lot of charm and if you ask me is pretty enjoyable. I'm honestly not doing this to be against the grain or anything silly like that. The games most people hate that I like I actually honest to god enjoy. I'm not doing it just for the hell of it, so to prove this to you. I plan to review what I consider to be my second least favorite game on the NES (behind Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde) so look for that soon, and try to guess what it is. Here's a hint the AVGN reviewed it! BYE NOW!

The Adventures of Bayou Billy (1989)

                                                                               
I have to make a confession, when I first got my second NES in like 1998 or so this was one of the first games I ever got, and I had to use a game genie to beat it. Yes. There. It's out in the god damn open. I cheated like George W. Bush did in the 2001 election! No, I don't really care if he did or didnt because really all politians are scummy crooks who shouldn't be listened too. All of em. So yes, back to Bayou Billy. It was tough for me then. Really tough, that's why I had to use the game genie. And I had fun with the game when I was using the game genie and not so much the other way around. Anyway, I ended up getting rid of that copy along with a bunch of other games. (for a shitty broken dreamcast I could never get to fucking work. Ever)  and I must say something else that is shocking! VERY SHOCKING! but it will have to wait till the next paragraph.

                                                                                       

The Adventures of Bayou Billy is yet again another game the world hates with a blinding sexual passion of a thousand suns yet I honestly really like. They complain that it's too hard (Just go to the practice stage. Trust me, It'll help you out a lot) And well heres the SHOCKER. The second time I played through Bayou Billy. I beat it, that's right, but I HAD NO GAME GENIE! THAT'S RIGHT! I beat this game without a game genie. And it didn't take me months, or years or even a decade like it did with TMNT (the original game) nope. It took me less than a fucking week. Seriously, maybe I've just asended to NES God status in those years between playthroughs but I didn't think it was that hard. You just really need to get the fighting down pat and the game becomes a cinch, the other two modes of play are not hard in the slightest.

                                                                                    

That's right, Bayou Billy is one of the many games that had different modes of play. And I'm pretty sure it was the first too! It had Double Dragon/TMNT2-3 like beat em up stages. Zapper shooter stages (seriously the poor Zapper never got any love, it was such a neat thing too. I still love that PKang noise it makes. So much. I want a thousand zapper salute when I die!) and driving stages. If you ask me the only tough part of this game were the fighting stages and if you ever got them down pat the game was easy as hell. The  Zapper stages are cake walks and the driving stages were not much harder. I dunno, maybe I'm just crazy.

I'd advise anyone who hates this game to give it another shot. Maybe I'm just a retarded Konami fanboy but I think it's still a pretty good title. Not perfect, but pretty good. Also here's a few intrestesting things about BAYOU BILLY I found out about on the internet, it had a comic book! for five issues (and I have the final issue). He was in a lot of episodes of Captain N (and Captain N said he couldn't beat Bayou Billy. God what a loser!) and well no one send any republicans to my house to beat me with a sack of door knobs because of what I said about George W. Bush!

Amagon (1988 / 1989)

                                                                              
This game has gotten hated on since I started using the internet to research what NES games to buy (despite all the negative reviews I still bought it and well you'll see what I thought of it in a second!) and well the opinion on this game has been overwhemlingly negative. It was hated back in the days of regular text reviews on websites and it's hated now on video reviews. Also many gay jokes related to the fact the main character is pink. Really guys are we 12 years old or what? Seriously that's just silly! Anyway today we talk about Amagon the absolutely favoritest game of cracked8ball (also if you couldn't tell that was sarcasm then you need to get out more)

                                                                             

Amagon is well, yet another game the world dislikes but I like. I'm not saying this is going to blow your socks off and make you go HOLY DICKS THIS IS THE GREATEST THING EVER MADE AND I WANT TO SUCK THE DICKS OF EVERYONE WHO HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT. No, that's not going to happen. It'll just give you a simple decent time. That's it. This game isn't great. This game is at best above average, but I really seriously don't know why it's so disliked. It's got a nice bit of weird charm (seriously some of the enemies in this game are the weirdest you'll see on the NES) and frankly it's just a nice simple game.

                                                                                

Amagon is like Contra (and to be fair if anyone read my blog they would probably freak out about me comparing Contra to Amagon. Chill, I think Contra, Super C, and hell EVEN CONTRA FORCE are better games than Amagon, but Amagon is a run n gun platformer, just like Contra!) and it doesn't do action based platforming crazyness as well as Contra but it's still got a neat gimmick too. Yes, you can choose to do the run N gun aspect OR you can pick up points and get this item to turn you into this crazy ass muscle man that could probably murder the entire Spartan army if he felt like it. Thankfully, Amagon is a good guy! Amagon boasts decent graphics, music that is very god damn catchy. Seriously that shit is like the Duck Tales theme song. Get it stuck in your noggin and it won't ever leave. Never. Good play control, the only problem is the games challenge is really lopsided, as Amagon it's incredibly hard, but as Megamon, it's insanely easy. It's kinda crazy.

Anyway, Amagon is a decent little time waster. It won't knock your socks off like Contra or something but It's worth a look. I mean really, it's one of those games that are stuck in your used game store for a goddamn dollar. Seriously if your really that damn poor that a dollar will break your bank than you shouldn't even be using the fucking internet. (also intresting (at least to me) is that the final boss (look at the last image in the review) is supposedly based around the Flatwoods Phantom, a supposed space alien that appeared at a town called Flatwoods in 1952. Wild stuff eh?. Also I found that theres a place in Arkansas called Amagon! Pointless facts ahoy!)

Zoda's Revenge: StarTropics II (1994)

 I am not like most NES fans in the fact that I mourned the end of the console. For well one reason in 1994 I was way too busy playing my Super NES to care that the NES was dead as a doornail. I think 9 years is a good run for a console (hell If I recall correctly the system stayed alive for a few more years in Japan. Hell they are still making NES pirates in random countries all over the world so in a way the NES is still kinda alive!) Also The second fact is that the NES had 770 or so games released in North America, along with about 30 or so only released in Europe. That's 800 games. That's enough games to keep you occupied for a very long time. And to be honest they will never re-release the NES because simply it wont make them any money. So be happy you get your Virtual Consoles and totally radical new 8-bit Mega Man games. Also the NES was pretty lucky as it went out with a bang not a whimper as two of the last three games were damn good. And the last game released (Sunday Funday) barely counts as it was just a shitty revamp of fucking Menace Beach anyway I've talked enough about this for now so lets get to today's game.

                                                                              

Zoda's Revenge is the first and sadly only sequel to Star Tropics (ARE YOU LISTENING NINTENDO? I WANT STARTROPICS 3 FOR THE WII!)  Star Tropics was one of my favorite games when I was a kid and I'm glad to see that many other people enjoy both the original game and the sequel. I also have to say that even if this game was a pile of shit I'd still love it, because I love stories that deal with Time Travel, weither in books, movies or video games. It's just something I love, but there are other reasons to love Zoda's Revenge. The decent music, the pretty good graphics, the good gameplay, the controls that have been improved from the original (as much as I like that game I do think the controls in it are very damn wonky) and fun entertaining dungeons with really neat boss monsters!

                                                                                 
Again, I don't have much to say about this game as there aren't many flaws in my mind. It's just simply a great game and if you enjoyed Star Tropics you need to give Zoda's Revenge a shot. It's a pretty easy game to pick up and is worth it. I'm still mad they didn't make Super Star Tropics. Damn you Nintendo! And with this review my weird review a game starting with the 26 letters of the alphabet is over. We had some laughs, we had some tears but overall it really kinda sucked and I probably won't be doing it again. Or at least pick a game I want to review instead of some fucking shitty ass sports game. Fuck sports games... uhh... where was I? Oh yeah. Go get Zoda's Revenge.
                                                                                 

Yo! Noid (1990)

                                                                              

I never had Domonio's Pizza until I was like 23 or 24 years old. It took until I was a goddamn adult to get the most famous pizza store other than Pizza Hut in my town. If you want my gross fat man's opinion, the pizza itself was pretty good, I'm just amazed it took it 24 years to get to my town. That's crazy, but yeah, I'm mentioning this because I'm talking about the NES game Yo! Noid, which was based around the mascot of the company from the late 80s and early 90s. Yes, it's another licensed game that the internet hates so much but guess what. I LIKE IT. yep, it's another positive review of a game people hate.

                                                                            
Yo! Noid isn't the only game that's was based around the Noid, there was another game for some computer system that I never owned so I never played this game so I can't say anything about it. Also this game was totally different in Japan. The entire game was totally reworked into a new game so if you enjoyed this game I think you should check out the other version, even though I haven't played it. Yo! Noid is yet another game from my favorite company Capcom. Great music, great graphics. Challenge is a bit on the annoyingly hard side thanks to the one hit kill thing, but I don't think it's that too hard, you just gotta put a bit more time into beating it than other games. The play control is pretty good too.

                                                                          

The only problem I have with this game is the god damn fucking shit eating annoying as hell Pizza Boss stages. In every odd stage (I think it's odd) you have to do battle with a Noid and eat more pizzas then him. You pick pizza cards and try to out do him. These stages are both annoying and god damn boring. Really incredibly tedious and they seriously take you out of the game.  These are the worst boss battles on the NES just because they bother me so much. Other than this annoying thing I really enjoyed this game and I think you should give it a chance instead of listening to some youtube asshole reviewing it for laughs which they never get. NEVER GET I SAY, okay I don't want to talk about how bad most of the youtube reviewers are, so I'll shut up and say that you should give Yo! Noid a shot, it's pretty damn cheap, like $5 or so.

Xexyz (1988 / 1990)

                                                                               

  Well It's the start of a new year, 2011 and I'm doing the same thing I did last year which was absolutely nothing however I do have some interesting projects cooked up for my blog which I'll get too sometime, hopefully. I hope every one's 2010 was great and that 2011 will be even better. So I guess we will start the year off with a bang. A rather obscure bang but a bang none the less! Today I will be taking a look at the NES classic Xexyz (yes I know there's a chance you haven't heard of it and probably wouldn't refer to it as a classic, but this is my goddamn blog so you can go fuck off) Xexyz was brought to us in 1988 in Japan, by Atlus and then ported over to America two years later by Hudson Soft. I have to thank both of these companies for giving us this great unknown classic.

                                                                               
Xexyz is the perfect example of a great unknown game. Not only is it fun but it's also not very hard to find and you can easily get it for under $5 which makes it a great pick up. Also Xexyz is like many other NES games in the fact it tried to mush too genres together. In this game it's a weird mash up of shooter, platformer and some RPG elements which all add up to a very unique little game. So now let's get to the nitty gritty of this game. I think this game has great graphics for the time. Everything is very nice and vibrant and easy on the eyes. The music is also great, very enjoyable and memorable. The challenge is just right, not too hard but not something you'll beat in a few hours (unless you are like ROTH aka God of the NES)  The play control is also pretty good and hell it's just a well done video game period.

Yeah, I know this isn't a very long review but to be fair there's nothing really negative to say about this game. It's just a very neat, underrated charming little title. I don't think you should even bother with my stupid review and just check out the NES Player shrine to this game. It'll make you wanna play it. I guranantee.